200, Give or Take

In all of my 36 years on this earth, I have never, ever, ever been this heavy.  I gained 50 lbs since my treatment in September putting me over 200 pounds.  200 POUNDS!!!!

I can't believe it.  When I met with my doctor in October  she said that I may put on a few pounds, so I should curb my eating and do some more exercising. So I started working with a trainer at a gym close to my house, 3 times a week and have been eating a high protein diet.  I was excited to go to the dr, because I was positive that there would be a drastic change in the scale...and there was, except instead of a minus, it was a plus!  She's never seen anything like it before.  I just started laughing like a hyena in the exam room.  I think she thought I was losing my mind.

Listen, I've never been a slim jim, but this is just beyond the point for me.  I have begun to literally measure out everything that I eat so that I can keep to my portions;  I meet with my trainer for 45 minutes 3 times a week and then do some home exercise on the days I don't;  I don't have a "cheat" day.  On paper, I am doing everything right, so why is my body revolting against me?  Can't it ever just play along?  Why do I always fall opposite of how the freaking treatment is supposed to go? Shit.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that my clothes don't fit, and like the stubborn bitch I am, I refuse to buy new clothes in a bigger size.  I feel like I wear the same 4 things to work every day.  Do you know that V-8 commercial where people are walking on the side?  I feel like that's what I look like walking down the street.  Waddling like a duck.  I can't sleep because I can't get comfortable, I'm irritable all the time, and I walk around in a fog most of the time.  Super duper fab.

I'm trying to remain positive, but this is dragging on way, way too long for my liking.  I know that this is insignificant in the grand scheme of things, especially since I know a lot of people that lost everything in Hurricane Sandy, and that I have been blessed with a good prognosis for remission, but it still sucks.

I do know this though: I will get this weight off my body, if I have to slice it off my damn self.