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Monday, July 17, 2006

Attack of the Teenybopper

In my lifetime, I've worked with murderers and other such violent criminals, but nothing scares me more than a seemingly innocent group of 14 year old girls. I know that I am a female, and thus, have once been a 14 year old girl, but in the olden days, I don't recall acting like they do. Perhaps that was because I was a geek who wore glasses and had braces. You all saw that movie Mean Girls, right? They're real, and this weekend I was waylaid by so many groups of these girls, it made me see the need for this post. I'll give you some examples of the torture that I went through.

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1. Bed, Bath, and Beyond:
Sloane Plan: Go to bedding section. Pick up sheets and mattress cover. Go to cashier. Pay and leave.

Girls in Sloane's Way Plan: Pick out Spongebob or other dumb cartoon item. Look at all the gadgets by the cashier and don't pay attention to the line formation. Talk loudly to your 8 other friends while you are waiting to pay. Ignore dirty looks given by bitchy woman with mattress cover and sheets behind you. Before leaving the store, congregate in front of the door looking at an infomercial for the Magic Bullet. Get in the way of all other customers trying to leave the store.

2. Victoria's Secret:
Sloane Plan: Pick out new bras and underwear. Go to cashier. Pay and leave.

Girls in Sloane's Way Plan: Pick up every single piece of lingerie on display in the store and joke to your friends that Johnny Youngballs would love to see you in this. Ask your friends random questions about how women wear certain items. Spray every perfume sample into the air while applying every lotion sample to your hands. Hold up the entire line to allow your friends to cut in and pay altogether.

3. CVS:
Sloane Plan: Pick up contact lens solution, shampoo and conditioner, and other related items. Go to cashier. Pay and leave.

Girls in Sloane's Way Plan: Enter store loudly and stand by magazine rack blocking entire aisle. Move onto makeup section and try all free samples available. Block entire aisle in front of picture development desk because there is a cute boy behind it. Rifle through the entire candy/gum selection in front of cashier without excusing yourself to the people you are disrupting. Upon leaving the store, stand outside and whine about how hot the photo guy is.

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The list goes on and on. Every store that I went into had gangs of girls on the loose. These girls travel in packs, in groups of 5 or more. They all wear the same clothing, have vapid conversations with each other and do not understand the concepts of common courtesy and manners. It must be the sociologist in me that wants to study these girls and their behaviors in their natural habitats; and try to instill some sense into them. I guarantee that the next time you see a group of girls like that, you'll look a little closer and know exactly what I am talking about.

3 comments:

Al said...

that sounds strangely like my sister and her friends... they're everywhere. and soon, they will take over.

LBaller said...

That's funny! I try to avoid those girls.

amisare waswerebeen said...

Stumbled on your blog and thought this one was funny. I feel the same way when I see this girls. We could never have been like them, but unfortunately, if we drove your aforementioned Deloriam (sp?) into the past and checked, we'd probably find some likewise annoying version of ourselves. Sad, but true.