Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Public Service Announcement

I usually don’t participate in ethnic stereotyping, but in this case I will make an exception, since it pains my heart to claim ethnic relation to these morons. I am of course speaking about the guido. You may know of this group by many other names, if you are unclear please see one of the many definitions listed here. If you frequent the beaches of the NY/NJ area in the summer you are also familiar with these specimens. If you are a guido and are reading this post, please save yourself before it becomes too late; and, as an aside, where do you get your eyebrows waxed?

Throughout my teen years, I have been plagued by these guys, living near a hotbed of guido activity. In growing older, and after going away to college, I thought that the idea of crispy gelled hair and fake tans would become a thing of the past. Alas, it was never meant to be. The crispy hair was funny in 1990, because everyone looked like that, (my hair has finally forgiven me for the sins I have committed against it.), but it is 2006. No one, especially a man should have hair that looks like they have stuck their fingers in an electrical socket. For further visual evidence, please go here.

With Labor Day weekend and the end of the summer season fast approaching, these guidos will be determined to drain every bar/club in the vicinity of water of all alcoholic beverages while wearing their best wifebeater t-shirts that show off their steroid enhanced bodies and white on white Nike Air Force One sneakers. They will crowd the parking lots of said establishments with their BMWs and Escalades. They will attempt to hit on every female within shouting distance, before humping them on the dance floor while dripping with sweat and smearing their self-tanning lotion. Please, I implore you to not look them directly in the eyes, lest one of their fake blue contact lenses pops out and takes YOUR eye out. If conversation is necessary, be sure that you brush up on your sarcasm beforehand. The best thing to do in this situation is to make a few jokes, get a few laughs at their expense and move it along.

If you would like to do further research so that you are better prepared this Labor Day weekend, please look at the following websites:

Good for a laugh at work

The Gold Standard of all Guidos

Sad, they start so young

P.S.: My thoughts and prayers go out to the state of New Jersey, especially the Jersey shore in this their time of need.

Just for a little fun, this is a picture of the one and only time in our lives that my brother and I have worn wifebeaters.

**Blogger was pissing me off with posting pictures, so I had to link to them instead. Sorry.


Roberta said...

Wow. Those are some scary mugs in those pics. I pity you that you have to deal with those. I can just imagine the hair gel and tanning lotion staining some unsuspecting girl's clothes in the clubs.