Suspicious Activity

This is a very difficult blog entry to write, partly because it makes me sick to my stomach that I almost became "that girl".

Before I get into the story, I would like to thank Penny for talking some sense into me. It really helps to have someone in your life that you can share things with and not be judged for them. I couldn't even tell my therapist this, because I know that she would judge me badly.

I'll start at the beginning. My friend Rachel who recently passed away would have these massive parties when we were in college and invite pretty much everyone in the tri-state area. I met random friends and family members that were interconnected somehow. One of Rachel's cousin's, Lisette had a friend Betsy, who had a brother named Andy. When I was in college, Andy was maybe 17 or 18. Nothing major, him and his boys would hang around with us, and we would buy them alcohol and other party favors.

Fast forward 11 years at Rachel's wake. I see him again briefly, but don't really talk to him.

Three days later, Dirty got a copy of an amateur porn from his douchebag friend. We started watching it and one of the actors look familiar to me. I look a little closer and pause the dvd and it looks like Andy. I tell Dirty the whole story, and tell him that it looks like him. Dirty gets all weird, and tells me to contact him to see if it is really him.

Confused yet? Well there's more.

So I contact my friend who gives me his contact info, and I send an email. Turns out, it was Andy. In his response email, he invited me and Dirty out for drinks with him and his girlfriend. I tell Dirty about drinks and a very strange dream about the two of them. Well, he flips out and accuses me of wanting to be Andy. I don't.

Throughout this I have been emailing Andy and catching up with him about both of our lives and just random stuff. Nothing inappropriate. It was nice to get a different guys opinion on stuff that I was going through. So when he suggested we get together for drinks without Dirty, I was tempted. He asked for my number and wanted to make plans to meet this weekend, conveniently when Dirty will be in Boston with douchebag, who started this all.

WTF was I doing? WTF is wrong with me? I love my boyfriend so much; why was I so willing to throw it all away for drinks with some guy that I know if Dirty would find out it would be over?

I am NOT making excuses for my behavior, because I think that what I did was totally wrong; but I'm a little scared at how easy it was for me to get caught up in something like this. Is it because Dirty is unemployed and making it very difficult for me to be supportive of him? Is is because something is not really right with us? Is it me? Is it him?

I got lost, but luckily Penny was my GPS.