Friday, April 28, 2006

Looking For The Guy In The Rated R Movie

Ask any single person over the age of 25 what their most feared phrase is and they'll tell you it is: "I know someone that would be perfect for you!" When someone says this to me, I know that they have no idea about me at all.

Tell me where you found that guy that likes to watch professional wrestling, knows the words to at least 7 Beastie Boys songs, appreciates good food and likes to cook it, writes with his left hand, wears glasses, is taller than 5'6", is easy on the eyes, and is capable of having an intelligent conversation; because in fifteen years of dating, I still have not found someone with any number of those interchangeable characteristics.

As wedding season approaches, and considering I am the lone singleton in my group of friends, I can be assured that the next few months will be rife with matchmaking.

Some of the gems that I have been saddled with include (I'll get more in detail in later posts):

  1. The guy who wouldn't leave Long Island.
  2. The guy who swore he wasn't a guido. (he was)
  3. The guy who kept getting arrested.
  4. The guy who was engaged, but wanted to keep his options open.
  5. The guy who was a degenerate gambler.

Since I have had to deal with going out for drinks and/or dinner with these "perfect" guys, I have come up with my own contingency plan for one of these dates. (Ladies: please feel free to cut and paste the list below and laminate it on a card for your wallet.)

  1. Do your research on this person, he is after all a stranger. If the matchmaker is reluctant to give out information, Caveat emptor.
  2. Always have a getaway route planned.
  3. Station your friends at strategic places at the meeting place.
  4. Cell phones are your friends. Make a plan for someone to call in the middle of the date, you can then decide if you want to go or stay.
  5. If all else fails, envoke the Dating Lemon Law.

Now this post makes it seem like I am anti-dating. On the contrary, I love men. It's just that most of the men I meet have not been to my liking. As my Grandmother used to say "ci รจ un scarpa per ogni piede."

I'll leave you with my favorite quote from my favorite movie Swingers:

"I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. "

I want the guy in the rated R movie. Is that so hard to find?