Friday, August 11, 2006

Slave to the Bowl

In mixed company, why is it ok for a guy to talk about random bodily functions, or a mother to talk about her, or her child’s physical and medical issues but when a single female does it, she is being nasty and inappropriate? That irritates me. So for all the single females who feel ashamed of talking about their bowel movements or gas issues look no further!

Disclaimer: If you have a weak constitution, avoid the rest of this post.

As there is no delicate way to say this, I will come right out and say that the reason that I have been out of work for the past several months is that I had chronic and persistent diarrhea. Apparently my colon became a hot-spot for some bacterial parasites I picked up while on a Caribbean vacation. Trust me, after 6+ months of peeing out of your ass, all the ladylike embarrassment made over a bowel movement is gone; not to mention the fact that I was basically confined to my house for a long time, never being able to venture too far from the toilet. The worst part of the whole thing was that I had to tell everyone; from my primary doctor, gynecologist, pharmacist, family, friends, co-workers and bosses what was going on. (An aside: Before a colonoscopy, you need to flush out all of the waste that is in your colon. When someone has chronic diarrhea, they still make you drink that nasty stuff. Why? Good question. Even the doctors at Cornell/NYPH couldn’t answer me. If you know why, please email me and let me know.)

Before my sojourn into gastrointestinal hell, I was never ashamed of talking about my bowel movements or gas issues. Talking was no problem, actually doing was an issue. I wouldn’t use a public bathroom to leave a deposit in, and when I went away on vacations and conferences, it took me a few days before I was comfortable enough to use the facilities. It took me almost 3 months to be able to use my dorm bathroom, and I lived in a suite with 3 other girls and had a PRIVATE bathroom. The issues that I had with not using a bathroom until I get comfortable or that I don’t want anyone to know what I am doing hardly affect me anymore; crapping your pants when you are 29 years old because you have not gotten to the bathroom fast enough is a just a teensy bit more embarrassing.

Bizarrely, with all of my shitting issues, I have never had an issue with passing gas. In college, my roommate or I used to “inaugurate” new places, especially if we were drunk. Silent ones only… I mean I do have some sense of decorum. I also believe in claiming your work, not to say that a big announcement with a parade is needed, but a small “that was me” gets the job done. My ex-boyfriend hated when I needed to pass gas, he used to say it was gross, although he used to fart around me all the time. He never claimed them though, but come on, how stupid could I be, especially if it was just the two of us.

Fortunately, my war against intestinal parasites has come to an end. Please accept this post in the vein that it was written; tounge in cheek, and with a lot of truth. When your friends buy you a package of Depends as a joke, you tend not to take shit seriously. (Pun Intended)