Growth Sucks!

For the last few weeks, I have been feeling a little depressed. I've been trying to pinpoint the cause, but have come up empty handed. I think that everything is catching up with me and I can't shake it off. I always feel like I am on the verge of tears and any little thing can set me off. I just want to lay in my bed and cry.

If I really put my mind to it, I have figured that it started with the job that I lost. Not to rehash it, but I felt so confident when I was offered that position. I don't think that I have gotten over the rejection of that yet, coupled with the fact that I still have to stay here in hell indefinitely.

The whole marriage situation feels like a lost cause lately. Since Dirty lost his job, this is not on the table, but I can't help but think that this is just another convenient excuse for him to stall. Since we started talking about getting married, there have always been little excuses here and there about why we need to wait. Bullshit things, that to me are irrelevant. He wants to pass his licensing exam, he wants to buy me a massive ring, blah, blah, blah. I just want a commitment on his part and he won't give it to me. I ask for a time frame, and he doesn't have one. I don't want to be the girl that throws an ultimatum on the table, because I feel like if he wants to marry me, he needs to do it on his own. My fear is that I am going to be stuck waiting, with no payoff at the end. These are all things that we have discussed, and I feel like I can only be so patient. BTW, it sucks to feel like this.

Let me not even get into the biggest regret that I have; which is my apartment. I really hate the co-op board. I don't know if it is just me, but since the bathroom ceiling fiasco, everything else has systematically gone down hill. My intercom doesn't work, and they have changed the repair date 4 times. I keep telling Patty that I work and she needs to call my cell phone to notify me, but she only does that when I need to pay some bullshit new charge that she makes up. I have been on the waiting list for parking for 1 year, meanwhile there are 4 spots that are empty, that I can see from my kitchen window. The crackies upstairs are not getting evicted. They provided medical documentation that the old woman that lives up there is bed-ridden and can't move. So they sleep all day, and are up all night moving furniture. HATE!

Wow, it feels good to get that off my chest. I am going away this weekend, so hopefully I will be able to start the fall with a better outlook. Now I need to go take an Aleve, so I can call the trick in the maintenance office to schedule another appointment.

Peace.