Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Growth Sucks!

For the last few weeks, I have been feeling a little depressed. I've been trying to pinpoint the cause, but have come up empty handed. I think that everything is catching up with me and I can't shake it off. I always feel like I am on the verge of tears and any little thing can set me off. I just want to lay in my bed and cry.

If I really put my mind to it, I have figured that it started with the job that I lost. Not to rehash it, but I felt so confident when I was offered that position. I don't think that I have gotten over the rejection of that yet, coupled with the fact that I still have to stay here in hell indefinitely.

The whole marriage situation feels like a lost cause lately. Since Dirty lost his job, this is not on the table, but I can't help but think that this is just another convenient excuse for him to stall. Since we started talking about getting married, there have always been little excuses here and there about why we need to wait. Bullshit things, that to me are irrelevant. He wants to pass his licensing exam, he wants to buy me a massive ring, blah, blah, blah. I just want a commitment on his part and he won't give it to me. I ask for a time frame, and he doesn't have one. I don't want to be the girl that throws an ultimatum on the table, because I feel like if he wants to marry me, he needs to do it on his own. My fear is that I am going to be stuck waiting, with no payoff at the end. These are all things that we have discussed, and I feel like I can only be so patient. BTW, it sucks to feel like this.

Let me not even get into the biggest regret that I have; which is my apartment. I really hate the co-op board. I don't know if it is just me, but since the bathroom ceiling fiasco, everything else has systematically gone down hill. My intercom doesn't work, and they have changed the repair date 4 times. I keep telling Patty that I work and she needs to call my cell phone to notify me, but she only does that when I need to pay some bullshit new charge that she makes up. I have been on the waiting list for parking for 1 year, meanwhile there are 4 spots that are empty, that I can see from my kitchen window. The crackies upstairs are not getting evicted. They provided medical documentation that the old woman that lives up there is bed-ridden and can't move. So they sleep all day, and are up all night moving furniture. HATE!

Wow, it feels good to get that off my chest. I am going away this weekend, so hopefully I will be able to start the fall with a better outlook. Now I need to go take an Aleve, so I can call the trick in the maintenance office to schedule another appointment.



Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I completely understand why you're feeling so stressed out. It's totally normal to feel rejected after losing out on a great job... I can only hope that karma is going to come back around with a BETTER job opportunity. :)

As for getting married, I know all about it. Kevin and I went through it too. He was afraid to commit and we were not rich. He wanted to wait to get a new car, a new apartment, a new job... it was always something. I never gave him a real ultimatum but I did tell him that I wouldn't wait around forever. Now here we are and he wishes he'd saved more money to get me a better ring. Whatever. I LOVE my ring. It wasn't ABOUT the ring to me - it was the commitment behind it. They just don't get it.

I can certainly relate to the apartment woes. Now that I've moved from the ghetto, I'm dealing with even more BS and paying more money!!! Wow, that worked out well. I have no words of wisdom for that situation as obviously I don't know how to fix my own! I can just say I really feel your pain there.

I hope you're able to forget about life for a while on vacation... that always helps me :)

Jadeny said...

I'm sorry lady. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a funk. Sounds like someone could use a pomegranate margarita!

**Liz** said...

I"m sorry about your situation. We all have those days.

But when things are bad, they have to get better right?

rage said...

Keep your head up Sloane.

I hope you are able to enjoy yourself while away this weekend. Are you going to be with friends? Family? Maybe they can give you some insight on what to do.

I can't believe that your neighbors are still getting away with that crap still. What a mess, eh? You poor thing. :(

~Penny~ said...

I hate my apt too. My semi-regret.

Girl, you know I got you. Forget all the bullshit and talk to Dirty about what we spoke about the other night.

I am going to a b-day party tomorrow in the city. Do you care to join for dinner and drinks?

KBear said...

i am one of those women who gave the ultimatum. I know Matt wanted to marry me, he was just in no hurry. My ultimatum didn't make him think "oh now I have to get married" it made him more think "oh, I don't have forever to get my shit together to marry this girl. I want to keep the best part of my life I need to do this now"

trust me. whomever says you forced me down the aisle is lying. no one can force you to do something if you don't want to. He wants to. He just figures you're gonna wait til HE wants it. He needs to know there is a timeline, and you need to make one. Wake him up a bit.