Daughter of the Year

Can anyone tell me how I got roped into being the official chauffeur, secretary, and personal shopper the week before my brother's wedding? Apparently, I am just too nice for my own good, and with Oct otherwise indisposed, it all fell on me.

My future sister-in law does not drive, so in the past two weeks I must have driven over 100 miles all over NYC running errands for the wedding. Doing these tedious "behind the scenes" jobs are stressful and for someone who is not a wedding fan, pure torture. I've spent more time looking for the perfect beaded handbag for my mother than I spent on deciding which college to go to.

All of the little details have been adding up, no thanks to my brother and his fiancee; who left the seating arrangements up to my mother, who then delegated that assignment to me. Between the stupid asses that RSVP'ed no, then decide at the last minute that they would be coming, to the special seating requests that people sent in with their response cards, I was able to organize the tables. I know some people are still not going to be happy, but in that case, they can kiss my ass.

This past week I have spent so much "bonding time" with my family that I should be the one leaving for Aruba next week. Considering that I gave up my summer vacation for this fiasco, I should be a lock to win the Daughter/Sister of the Year Award.

Love At First Sight

It's true when "they" say love hits you when you least expect it. Who would have thought that shopping with my mother would turn out this way? In the tradition of love stories, we saw each other across a crowded room and I felt an unseen force guiding my path to them. Yes, there were two, and yes I was smitten from the start. Threesomes aren't a bad thing. Anyway, don't you think they are handsome?

For more pictures, click here.

The shoes were originally $99.00, marked down to $49.99. I thought it was a good deal, so I looked for a size 7. When I see shoes that I like, I try not to get too attached, they usually don't have my size. They did, and I decided to buy them expecting to pay about $55.00 with tax and everything. Imagine my surprise when I went to the cashier, and they rang up as $20.08. Twenty dollars for a pair of BCBG shoes!! Someone from up above was looking down and smiling on me today. I tried to then go and get them in another color, but couldn't find my size and I also didn't want to push my luck.

I feel so tall in these shoes... I think I hit about 5'3". Ha Ha!

The Best Kind of Guy To Have

Need I say anymore?

Attack of the Teenybopper

In my lifetime, I've worked with murderers and other such violent criminals, but nothing scares me more than a seemingly innocent group of 14 year old girls. I know that I am a female, and thus, have once been a 14 year old girl, but in the olden days, I don't recall acting like they do. Perhaps that was because I was a geek who wore glasses and had braces. You all saw that movie Mean Girls, right? They're real, and this weekend I was waylaid by so many groups of these girls, it made me see the need for this post. I'll give you some examples of the torture that I went through.

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1. Bed, Bath, and Beyond:
Sloane Plan: Go to bedding section. Pick up sheets and mattress cover. Go to cashier. Pay and leave.

Girls in Sloane's Way Plan: Pick out Spongebob or other dumb cartoon item. Look at all the gadgets by the cashier and don't pay attention to the line formation. Talk loudly to your 8 other friends while you are waiting to pay. Ignore dirty looks given by bitchy woman with mattress cover and sheets behind you. Before leaving the store, congregate in front of the door looking at an infomercial for the Magic Bullet. Get in the way of all other customers trying to leave the store.

2. Victoria's Secret:
Sloane Plan: Pick out new bras and underwear. Go to cashier. Pay and leave.

Girls in Sloane's Way Plan: Pick up every single piece of lingerie on display in the store and joke to your friends that Johnny Youngballs would love to see you in this. Ask your friends random questions about how women wear certain items. Spray every perfume sample into the air while applying every lotion sample to your hands. Hold up the entire line to allow your friends to cut in and pay altogether.

3. CVS:
Sloane Plan: Pick up contact lens solution, shampoo and conditioner, and other related items. Go to cashier. Pay and leave.

Girls in Sloane's Way Plan: Enter store loudly and stand by magazine rack blocking entire aisle. Move onto makeup section and try all free samples available. Block entire aisle in front of picture development desk because there is a cute boy behind it. Rifle through the entire candy/gum selection in front of cashier without excusing yourself to the people you are disrupting. Upon leaving the store, stand outside and whine about how hot the photo guy is.

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The list goes on and on. Every store that I went into had gangs of girls on the loose. These girls travel in packs, in groups of 5 or more. They all wear the same clothing, have vapid conversations with each other and do not understand the concepts of common courtesy and manners. It must be the sociologist in me that wants to study these girls and their behaviors in their natural habitats; and try to instill some sense into them. I guarantee that the next time you see a group of girls like that, you'll look a little closer and know exactly what I am talking about.

Feedback and Follow-Up

Since I have been busy this whole week with random errands and knee-deep in wedding preparation hell, I decided that today I was going to have some "ME" time and stay in tonight. This is the perfect time to respond to some emails and comments that have been posted here.

Minnie: There are so many of us that if you tagged along, I don't think anyone would notice that you don't "belong" to us. :)

PG: The lithograph was given to me as a gift, I found out all of the information about the Mourlot Lithograph history after the fact.

Yara, Signgirl, Janie and Minnie: 3 more weeks and then I can banish the dress and shoes to the bridesmaid graveyard in the back of my closet. For the record: You CANNOT wear those dresses ever again, except on Halloween, and then only if you are going as a pageant girl... Or so I hear. :)

Sean wanted to know what kind of music I like to listen to when I am "getting some" since my musical taste varies so much. It's been so long that the last time I "got some" I had to get up to change the 8-track* ;). To answer your question; it really doesn't matter. I'll listen to anything with a good beat.

Jordan: I don't think I'll be posting a picture of me here. It's too public, I'm enjoying my anonymity. Check your email, it's not my picture, but I think you'll like it. By the way, the dubious behavior referred to in a previous post may get an explanation at a later date.


I think I got everything that needed a response. If you have a question for me, email me or ask it in the comments and I will try to answer it. Have a great weekend everyone!


*That was a joke, I'm not that old, but it has been that long.

Grow Up

As someone who has done a few dubious things in her lifetime, I'm not judgmental towards things that could be written off as youthful indiscretions. The only thing that I expect is for someone to take responsibility for their actions and the consequences from them.

Some of you may recall Oct and I speaking of an out-of-state cousin that stayed with us for a few days around Mother's Day. He came here looking at colleges and was basically handed a brand new life on a silver platter; with the full support of some 50 adults that were able to facilitate his success. He was given free reign of a rent-free apartment on the Upper East Side, one cousin got him a part time job at his firm, and another cousin and I used our connections in the education world to get him enrolled into college classes without going through a tedious admissions process. I could continue with all of the options and opportunities that were available to this kid, but I think you get the idea.

To make a extremely long story short, within 2 months of moving to NYC, he managed to get fired from his job (which he never went to) and he never showed up for one summer class or any other school related appointment. He went back home for 4th of July weekend without telling anyone and hasn't been back to NY since. Yesterday, my cousin and I went to the apartment and found it totally trashed with a hole in the wall, the toilet was cracked (I don't even want to know how that happened), and the window was broken, with garbage everywhere.

My family is usually pretty understanding when it comes to reckless behavior and wrongdoing; as long as you take responsibility for your part, and recognize your error, it will be forgiven and forgotten. Leaving under the cover of darkness and not telling anyone is a bitch move, that shows how immature and ungrateful he was towards everything that was done for him.

A Few Random Thoughts

Since my last rant about my job search, I have been on numerous interviews, and made many more connections in my field. Three of the agencies that I met with have made tentative offers after my first contact with them. I think that these agencies will offer me the best combination of administrative responsibilities and direct client care. Along with competitive salaries and benefits, these three agencies all fit into my vision of how I see my career progressing in the future; there is room for growth within each of the organizations, and opportunities for self advancement within the scope of the field.

Within the next few weeks, after more research and thought, I hope to enter into negotiations with one of the agencies; I think that if a job is offered, I would be employed by the end of September (conveniently coinciding with my birthday). It seems like a long way off, but social service agencies are notoriously known to take forever when hiring a new employee. For example, at my last job, I was offered the position in March, and didn’t actually start working until May. Wish me luck.

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At the post office this morning, there were 3 kids playing around with the stamp machine. As the mother was leaving she called their names: Destiny, Kobe and Beyonce. Is this how we are naming kids now? I am of the opinion that if the name would be inappropriate on a legal document or resume, you shouldn’t name your child that unless you want them to go through life unemployed. A child named Destiny has few employment options; would you trust your health to Destiny Parker, MD?

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I made a new friend. Go here to meet him. His name is Guy, and he is a really great writer. The name of his blog is This Place is Dead Anyway, and I've added him to my links.

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Find out what Oct and I think about bridesmaid mishaps, farmer tans, and who is # 1 on the drop kick list this week on our new podcast here .

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Currently, I am obsessed with the song Ridin' Dirty by Chamillionaire. I have it on repeat on my MP3 player. Don't ask. He fits right in with the Smiths, the Cure, the Foo Fighters and Jay-Z.

Calgon, Take Me Away!

Is there anything worse than being tied to a chair and being forced to watch 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray on a constant loop? Yes my friends, there is. Try sitting in a bridal salon in midtown Manhattan with my mother, future sister in law and her mother going through the most horrific experience called dress fittings with only a Treo for moral support. According to my mother, I was invited to partake in this torture because my future SIL likes my style, and wanted my opinion. Before you think I am some kind of fashion plate, I prefer comfort over trends anyday; however, compared to someone who still wears bicycle shorts and Keds, I am the reincarnation of Coco Chanel.

Their appointments were at 10am, 12pm, and 2pm. I was there for the ENTIRE day, just sitting there trying to email anyone that would respond so I could share my despair with them. 6 hours spend listening to the three of them discuss different hem lengths, undergarment options and other related bullshit while I sat there trying not to pull my hair out strand by strand. This compounded by the fact that I had to listen to the seamstress go on and on about how I need to find a man because I am "too old and beautiful to still be single", and "what if you want kids?" Uh, yeah, thanks lady, I will run right out and do that...just because YOU said so.

The only bright spot to my day was that I was meeting friends for at Scopa for drinks after the trauma I faced today. Nothing soothes my soul like good food (grilled pizza with braised duck and shrimp ceviche), alcohol and scandalous gossip about acquaintances. Now I am home, about to go take a nice long bath and go to sleep. I also turned the ringer on the phone off for tomorrow. I've learned my lesson the hard way.

*By the way, the previous entry was posted while hiding in an empty dressing room after escaping to go to the bathroom.

help me retain my sanity in the midst of chaos!!

How Do I Love My Family...Let Me Count the Ways

Ever wonder if you were switched at birth? I do, every time my family gets together to "celebrate" a holiday. Why, you ask? Well, grab a lawn chair and a Heineken; this could take a while.

Those of you that heard the podcast from Mother's Day know that I come from a large Italian family. (Those that didn't hear the podcast, you missed out, it was funny.) This leads to very large family gatherings at certain points of the year. The 4th of July is usually the largest. This year, however, our numbers have increased exponentially due to engagements, marriages and births. I would say that there were about 60 people at my aunt's house today. The following incidents occurred, leaving me to wonder if I should finally look into those hospital records once and for all. (I know the bulleted lists are getting old, but they are the only way I can think of to organize my thoughts after a long day spent with family. Forgive me.)

1. My aunts and uncles work on two volumes: loud and louder. Loud when speaking amongst themselves, louder when they speak to their children. You can then imagine that the decibel levels in that backyard reach astronomical heights. I am surprised the only hearing loss is of the selective version utilized by myself and my cousins towards our parents.
2. My uncle didn't have time to install a toilet paper holder or a towel rack in the bathroom that was remodeled almost 5 years ago, but he found the time to splice cable wires to set up a big screen TV in his garage so that the guys could watch the World Cup game.
3. Telling one person about the condition of my resignation from work turned into a game of telephone gone horribly wrong; I was interrogated about my future plans, my financial situation and given countless names and telephone numbers of strangers that I could call for a job, none having to do with my actual career or what I went to school for.
4. The main topic for the day was my brother's upcoming wedding. My future sister-in-law is not friendly. My mother thinks she is shy, my sister and I call it bitchiness. She spent the entire day going over all of her plans down to the last sequin on her shoes with anyone who would listen. That was my cue to go smoke cigars and drink with the guys in the garage.
5. If all the kids can play their PSP's and listen to their I-Pods to keep them quiet, why can't I read my book in peace? Getting interrupted every 13.8 seconds to see if I want something to eat or drink is very irritating. I can get whatever I want for my self. I'm a big girl, I'm allowed to pour my own juice now. (TM my cousin's 5 year old daughter)

I could go on for days on this topic, maybe Oct and I will do a podcast about it when she's done working on her movie.

Today is also my Grandmother's 95 birthday. She is coming from Italy in a few weeks for my brother's wedding. Before I get all sappy, I'll just say that she is the one person in this world that I trust and respect without question.

P.S. Should you move out of your neighborhood when you can't tell the difference between fireworks and gunshots? Happy 4th of July!

The Greatest Show on Earth

I have been told on more than one occasion that I have the mentality of a 12 year old boy, which, now that I have typed that seems a bit inappropriate, so it should come as no surprise when I reveal my most favorite show on television: Most Extreme Challenge on SpikeTV.

Before all the pointing and laughing starts, please read the 3 reasons why this show is hilarious.

1. There is nothing funnier than watching people wipe out while trying to avoid some dudes in a weird costumes over a pit of dirty, disease infested water. (see attached video on link)
2. I lied, there is something funnier, and that is the commentary that is dubbed into English, by these two Japanese guys wearing aforementioned costumes. These two guys are all about the double entendre, which pleases my 12 year old brain immensely.
3. Japanese imports are cool. (If you need proof of this, email me at sloanesdayoff at gmail dot com. Some of their *ahem* better products are not for the faint of heart. ;) )

Alas, no one I know shares the same enjoyment I get out of watching this show; so I am stuck watching it alone on my couch nursing a bottle of some sort of cheap alcohol while laughing my ass off and lamenting on what my life has become.