In Limbo

So I'm still kitchenless, with no start date on the horizon, so I have semi moved into Dirty's house. I hate it, he loves it. I don't hate being with him, but I hate not having my own stuff with me at all times. I hate having to pick out clothes for work days in advance so that I don't go naked to work, I hate not having my books and being able to spend as much time as I want in the bathroom. At least I'm getting awesome dinners and lunches out of the deal. So I guess I really can't complain that loudly.

FYI, after my medical procedures, he took really good care of me. Let me say foolish things while I was under anesthesia and didn't make fun of me for them when he told me about it later. The two things I remember from that is that when the doctor came in while he was dressing me, he shielded me with his body; which was silly because the doctor had already seen it all, but sweet nonetheless, and when I woke up out of the anesthesia, my hands were in my pockets while I was on the exam room table. I was like WTF?? why are my hands in my pockets? He told me that he put them in there because they were limp and all over the place and he was afraid that I would pull out the IV that was in my hand. So cute. Also while I was in getting the procedure done he went to the shoe store and bought me the following sneaker:

Love them! Pink and brown, although I am still on the fence about the velcro closures. I haven't worn them yet, I think I need to get a smaller size.

On the work front, TallTrees is getting on my last nerve_ Every task she is asked to do, she has an issue with_ I have explained things numerous times and feel so overwhelmed that I have to do everything here with no support_ I have never me someone in my entire work life that is so passive agressive in her way_ Oh wait, yes I have, Sidekick, who is no help either, telling me I have to work as a team_ She knows that I miss Penny, but I have to move on and learn to work as a team_ Umm, yeah, this is also the person who, when I met with her in a meeting recently, asked me if I was resigning_ I told her that she would not be so lucky to get rid of me so soon_


P.S.: If you haven't figured out the reason for all of the dashes, you obviously do not read this blog nearly enough. Get to the archives and figure it out!

Eating Takeout Does a Body Bad!

You know life is funny sometimes, just when you think everything is falling into place, BAM, everything falls apart.

OK, so maybe I am being a little dramatic, but really this week has been a rough one for me.

Starting with work: I have never been so stressed out at a job before in my life. TallTrees (new girl, what do you think of the nickname?) is a waste of space. I would rather be alone and do the work of 2 people than to have someone who is useless. Every time I explain something to her she gets this puzzled look on her face and says "Hmmm, I don't know about that". Guess what? It is part of your job description, you have to do it. The thing that pissed me off most of all is that while she is on the Internet and personal calls, and I am doing all of the work, she comes into my office and says "Thanks for your help". Umm, yeah. She also leaves an underscore at the end of all her emails and name. Like TallTrees_. Why?

At home: I am still without a kitchen. It is amazing at how much stuff I used to do in that kitchen that I hated. Now that I don't have one, I can't do anything. Apparently, all of the plumbing and electricity in the walls needs to be upgraded before they can install the kitchen and appliances. I am cool with that. What I am not cool with however is that I don't have an approximate start date for all of this work. I have been eating take-out food for the past week, and let me tell you, for someone who enjoys cooking, it is torture. I guess this is the price you pay (no pun intended) when you get family involved and get things done for free. Hopefully I will not have to wait any longer for this because it leads me to my last issue.

With Dirty: We haven't spent any time this week together since Sunday. Why? I don't have a kitchen, so he won't come over. He wants me to come over his house, to stay over until they finish all the work. I appreciate his offer, but I paid for my apartment, and I am going to live there. He doesn't understand why I want to stay in the construction zone when I can just live with him for a while. So I have purposely not gone to his house at all, and he hasn't come to see me, so I guess we'll see what happens this weekend when he takes me for my annual endoscopy/colonoscopy and he has to take care of me in my apartment. I've already told him that I want to sleep off the anesthesia in my own bed, but since I'll be half knocked out, we'll see where he takes me.

My Dirty Boy

If you are allergic to sugar, please do not read this post.

This weekend, the BF went fishing with his boys while I stayed in my apartment and waited for the guys to come and demolish my old kitchen. (Kitchen drama= long story= another post.)

We had been planning to go on this trip for a while, but at the last minute I had to pull out because of the whole kitchen fiasco. He wanted to cancel also, but I told him to go anyway. Before he left on Friday, he was so excited to go, like a little kid on Christmas and spent practically the whole week organizing his fishing gear and packing any and everything that he could have possibly needed. I spoke to him a few times this weekend, nothing really major. He sounded like he was having a good time bonding with his people.

I spoke to him Sunday in the afternoon and he told me he wanted to go home and sleep, after driving and getting stuck in traffic for 3 hours. At about 8:30 my intercom rings. I just got out of the shower. No one comes to see me, because I haven't told anyone where I live. Thinking that it was a mistake, I ignored it. I couldn't see who it was anyway through my window. My doorbell rang shortly after, and I saw through the peephole (safety first!) that it was Dirty.

When I let him in he was hugging and kissing me and telling me how much he missed me this weekend, and that everything that he did he thought of me and how much I would have enjoyed it. He gave me 2 stuffed animals that he won at some carnival, and a few fish that he caught. At this point, on the outside I was practically gagging, and asked why he was acting like such a girl; but on the inside I was getting the stomach flops over the sweetness of it all.

We ordered food, got some nookie and fell asleep on my couch watching Ultimate Fighting. That's why I love him.

Replacement--Yes, I'm Wearing My Hater Hat!

So today is Penny's last day at work and I am beside myself. I will miss her a lot. It is much easier to work in a hell-hole if you have someone to team up. If it is just you, you look like a difficult employee; if you have a partner, your boss is the one that looks crazy.

But the purpose of this post is to identify Penny's replacement. I don't like her. I know that it is early, and that you will all say that I don't even know her yet, but there are things about her and I consider myself a pretty good judge of character. By the way, based on the information below, I would like to ask for assistance in coming up with a nickname for her.

1. She is like 9 feet tall and still wears 4 inch heels. Maybe this is my short girl complex coming through, but really...do you need your head to touch the ceiling?

2. Yesterday, she had short hair... today it is long and flowing. I know it is either a wig or weave, but one of my pet peeves is the drastic backwards look of hair. Long to short, I'll recognize. Short to long, not so much. At least make it look a little natural.

3. Her first few day here she spent all day surfing the Internet. I waited at least a week before I started handling personal business at work.

But the thing that aggravates me the most about her is:

4. She spells her name wrong. I know that that is her parent's fault for the creative spelling, but really, as a professional adult, ghetto spellings really should be put on the back burner.

Like Dirty says all the time "If you got real hair, real fingernails, if you got a job, you going to school, and y'all need nobody to help you handle your business...Make some noise." She unfortunately can not make some noise.

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire!

OK, so I haven't updated as much as I said I would. My bad. No excuses. I know I am a big, fat liar so no need for the hater emails.

So here are the updates:

1. Vacation was awesome, maybe I'll post some pics here or on my flickr account. Resort was really nice, but the weather was so humid. Made my already frizzy, unmanageable hair seriously go on strike no matter how many products I used to reign it in. Luckily, everyone elses hair looked as awful as mine did.

2. Traveling with the bf was nice. He is a little anal about taking all sorts of things "just in case". I thought I was bad, but he is off the chain with that. As corny as this is going to sound, I think that this was a real test of our relationship, and I am convinced now that he is a great match for me and vice-versa. We complement each other so well. It is a bit scary for me, but I dropped the L-word to him, and it only took me 6 months.

3. On a sad note, my partner in crime, Penny is leaving me. I am not recognizing this until her last day, hoping that she will change her mind, but I doubt it. She's leaving me alone to deal with Sidekick all by myself. You can send her hate mail and express your outrage here.

4. Speaking of Sidekick, she got squashed between 2 delivery trucks; apparently crossing the street behind one. Now we are talking about a big girl here, not easily missed if you know what I am saying. (and I am only saying that because she hates on me and Penny). She took 2 days off and is back at work now gimping it up. It is humorous actually. Unfortunately, she does not show any outward signs of being permanently mangled. Oh well, I can still dream.

Other than that, things have been pretty status quo around these parts. Being a homeowner takes a lot of time, not to mention money, but it is really nice to get home after work, change into my PJ's, eat cereal and watch DVR'ed WWF MSG wrestling classics with no one to bother you. Next on the improvement agenda is a new kitchen being installed within the next few weeks. It pays to have a dad in the business; I got my new fancy kitchen for free. Love It!

Happy Harry Potter Day- Part 1

For those of you living under a rock, officially the 5th Harry Potter movie, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix opened today at 12:01 am. Oct and I did not wait on line to see it at 12:01, because as you know, I am officially old, and have a J-O-B. We will be going instead to see the film at 9:45pm tonight, so that the latest that I will be in bed is 12:00.

Now the book...is another story all together. Harry Potter Day, Part 2 will take place on July 20 at 8pm. Oct and I have already pre-ordered our books, and will be attending the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Midnight Magic party at our local Barnes and Nobles. Hopefully this time we will meet some cooler kids than last time. If there is one thing I hate it is young kids who think they know everything. Yes, I felt much better after reading the book about getting into a fight with a 15 year old girl about who the Half Blood Prince was. Neville my ass. Just know that I called it from the jump.

Has It Really Been That Long?

I cannot believe that I have been so busy that my last post was on Friday, April 13th?? I didn't even celebrate my 1 year blogaversary (albeit with long breaks in between) on April 30th. Well, here's a quick update for my 2 readers out there; bulleted list style (you know it's my fave):

1. Finally, after much waiting, I moved into my new digs, complete with the requisite nosy neighbors who are curious as to my "deal". Here is my deal: I'll mind my own business, and you mind yours, and we'll get along fine.

2. Still dating Dirty the architect. Subject of marriage has come up, and I put it right back down again. We are going to the Riviera Maya in Mexico at the end of July, so we'll see how that goes. Vacations are the make or break part of any relationship. If we can travel well together, maybe this will work long-term.

3. Penny and I were separated at work. Yes, we no longer share an office. Everyone is jealous that we have our own offices now, but we miss sharing. It messed up our groove, and we had to have a custody battle over most of the shared items. She got the printer, I got the Magic 8-Ball. Fair trade, wouldn't you say? The thing that really sucks about this new space? I get no cell service and barely any radio service. So Wendy Williams at 3 for advice hour is out; and that sucks most of all.

So that's what going down in Sloane land. I'll be posting more often now, I promise. ( I know I say that all the time, this time I REALLY mean it!)

Because I'm A Homeowner Now

Since being in contract for my apartment since the beginning of February, and waiting patiently (NOT!) for all of the components to start working together, the title has become my go-to phrase for everything that I don't want to do. (Although I am still a pseudo-homeowner) Penny hears it at least 45 times a day, for things ranging from why I brought my lunch to work instead of buying it, to not going to some corny bar for happy hour. Trust me, no one can even argue with you when you use that excuse. They are the ones that end up looking like haters.

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There must be something in the air/water here in NYC, because practically every female that I know is pregnant. Keep looking the other way; there are no babies coming out of me anytime soon, although my parents have been pushing marriage on me hard since I introduced them to Dirty. I finally told them straight that I was not interested in getting married, and I thought that their eyes would never stop bulging out of their sockets. So, now according to my father, Dirty stepped in shit, he's so lucky. He doesn't have to buy the cow, and he's getting the milk for free. But, if you really think about it, so am I. There were also references by my father to spinsterhood, and old maid-ness.

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I am getting excited that I will be shopping for furniture and housewares shortly. I have totally become a Bed, Bath and Beyond whore. I must spend at least 4 of my 7 hours at work on the site. These are some of the items that I am purchasing for the new pad. What is the female version of the bachelor pad? The bachelorette pad...nah. More like the Old Maid pad. I'll take it!

I am also obsessed with buying this popcorn machine. It reminds me of the machine we got free from the bank when I was young for opening an account. It makes the best popcorn!

I'll Tell You Your Future

Towards the end of 2006, Penny and I went to a psychic to see how our 2007’s would fare. Linda was on point with everything, but at 60 dollars a pop, she was just not a steady fiscal possibility, being that we both work in social services, and were looking to become homeowners.

Penny, being the crafty ho that she is, came to work just before Christmas with a gift for us. The Magic 8 Ball. Economically sound and just as on point as Linda. The Magic 8 Ball has not been wrong yet, and trust me, we have put it to the test! Except for the one error in co-signing that Penny was going to be fired, we have not doubted it at all.

Ok, so you can only ask yes or no questions, but it is better than basing your day around on the horoscope in the amNY newspaper, which is probably written by a 10 year old.

Time Flies...I Guess I'm Having Fun

With all that has been going onsince the last time I posted: between the Astronaut Love Triangle, Anna Nicole Smith drama and Britney shaving her head, I finally have time to sit down and update my 5 readers on what has been going in my life.

1. Finally, a seller has accepted my bid for an apartment, and we are in contract. 1000 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom with an eat-in kitchen. The complex has a pool, exercise and laundry rooms, and a parking space. It fell into my price range, so I jumped on it. Approximate closing date is April 2nd. I cannot wait.

2. Luckily, I began dating an architect (Dirty), which will help when I decide to renovate the apartment. He has already sketched me a model of how I want my kitchen to look. It helps when you can use the bartering system to get what you want. (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

3. Things at work are pretty much the same, although it was nice and quiet since Sidekick went away for 3 weeks to get married and AssBoss was at another site. Penny and I worked well together and got props from AssBoss on how we managed the unit in their absence. Of course once Sidekick came back, she started the hateration cycle all over again, basically because Penny and I were able to show AssBoss that her (Sidekick’s) position is irrelevant.

So far that is all I got for you. I will get into details later about all three updates, I know you are all dying to know.


P.S.: For those of you who have difficulty making and sticking to decisions, get yourself a Magic 8 Ball. Works like a charm.

Miss Me Yet?

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about my blog; there has been a lot going on right now in my life, and I'll be posting an update in the next few days. 2007 may turn out to be a good year after all!

Let A Playa Play

The dating blog was a good idea in theory, but in practice, a little difficult, since I can barely keep up with this blog.

Therefore, to update you all of the boys that I have been dating, and in the tradition of reality shows such as Flavor of Love and I Love New York, I am posting a list of their nicknames, age, job, and some identifiable traits. It is also worth mentioning that it is awesome to be able to get ass on a regular basis again. I have split them into four groups: the good, the bad, the ambivalent, and those on deck.

The Good

Dirty- 32, architect: Don't let the nickname fool you, there is something about him that I am very attracted to. While you wouldn't pick him out off the street for being gorgeous, he is almost as smart as I am; and our conversations are total verbal foreplay. I also think it is cute that he stutters when he is nervous or excited about a topic.

Faux-32, accountant: Another smart guy. We also have good conversations as well. One negative about Faux: ex-girlfriend factor.

The Bad

Geek-34, bartender: Now we all know I love the geeks, except for this one. This guy has a degree in childhood education, but has been a bartender for the past 10 years at a bad chain restaurant. I am not judging his job; I am judging his lack of motivation to advance.

Wall St. - 29, broker: He totally misrepresented himself, starting with his height. He was maybe an inch taller than I was. You all know that I am short. The other main issue I had was that he was proud of the fact that he is a conservative Republican. Again, if you read this blog regularly, enough said.

The Ambivalent

Volvo-30, detective: We have a lot in common, in terms of familial similarities and personality, but there was no spark there.

On Deck

Fireman-30
Cop-29
Teacher-31
Pharmacist-29

New Year, New You

Just transferred the site to new Blogger. So far it has been a bit difficult to navigate, although that could just be my resistance to new things.

I am also on the fence as to whether or not I should change the template or leave it as is. Any opinions are welcome.

New Year’s Revelations

First off, I hope that everyone had a great holiday season and did everything that they wanted to this year.

Secondly, I would like thank most of my friends and family were very good about keeping to my gift list, except for my mother, who broke rule #1, by not consulting with my brother, which resulted in me getting 2 iPods and 0 North Face jackets. What will happen at this point is that when I get a chance to return one iPod, I will use the money for the jacket.

Now on to the good stuff:

I am feeling uncharacteristically optimistic about 2007, and it is a bit disconcerting. Usually I dread the New Year, because all I do is reflect back on the things that I have NOT accomplished during the year. For me, most of 2006 was crap…literally. Although I will say, I achieved many goals in the last 5 months of this year. Some goals may seem a bit meaningless, but consider the fact that at this time last year, I was sitting on a toilet for 22 out of 24 hours a day.

1. I started a blog.
2. I quit one job and got another.
3. I made some new friends: blog and real life.

So, instead of making only one all-encompassing resolution that I know I would break before the end of January, I decided to start a list at 43things.com (see it here) that I plan on working on throughout the year. If anyone has any suggestions on what else I should add, let me know.

Happy New Year!

Sometimes You Have Too Much Time On Your Hands

Here are two pictures that I have done Andy Warhol style. The first one is my Sloane cartoon, the second is a real picture of me, somehow missing the entire middle of my face. Oh well, they still look hot. They will be even hotter printed on photo paper and hung in frames on my wall. This is my holiday gift to myself.

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2006 Christmas List

Since all the haters* claim that I am spoiled (see here, here, and here for evidence), an accusation which I have never denied, I am posting my Christmas list. Moreover, because my birthday was extravagant, this list is minimal. See, I am all about equality.

1. The North Face Applique Nuptse jacket 700 down fill-Black: NYC Winters are really, really cold.










2. Thai Style Mortar and Pestle: An addition to my collection of kitchen gadgets; also can be used as a handy weapon, as it probably weighs as much as I go. P.S. Size does matter in this case, bigger = better.









3. ProductRED iPod Nano: It’s time I upgrade, and what better upgrade than to an iPod in my favorite color?












So… that’s it; I think split between my family, this is nothing. Not like a $500 GPS system that my sister wants.

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*I need to retire this word in favor of something newer, but it fits my purposes today.

Drips and Drabs

In an attempt to make our social service agency sound much more professional than it is, AssBoss and her Sidekick like to use proactive doubletalk that really means nothing to my logical, common sense brain. The straw that broke the camel’s back however, is the overuse of the phrase “Going Forward”. Fast forward to this morning; in my email, the following definition from Urban Dictionary*.

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I know that the past few posts have been sort of dismal, but I think that I am coming out of funk. It is the end-of year blues catching up with me. I guess it also doesn't help that every guy that I meet either has a girlfriend**, or gets a girlfriend, after I hook up with them.

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* Yes, I get the urban word of the day emailed to me…what of it? That’s why my slang game is so tight. I keep it real, yo.

**Obviously, I don't know about the girlfriend situation at the time, I find out after the fact. I don't like doing that. Although, lately, my thought is: If he doesn't care about his girlfriend, why should I? And yes, I have been cheated on in a relationship.

Depression is Anger on the Inside

Usually when I am in a funk, I avoid blogging because I don’t want to wallow in my own self pity like a pig in shit. However, it has come to my attention that it would be bad form to break down and cry on the subway surrounded by strangers. Therefore, I am writing about what is happening around me in hopes that it will make me feel a bit better. I feel like a spectator on my own life wondering why I am acting like such a baby about things beyond my control.

So here is my list of why I am depressed:

1. I lost another apartment that I bid on. That makes 2. I know that when it is meant to be, it will happen, but it is seriously aggravating me that I keep looking, and cannot find anything that I like. I hear people everyday saying that they have just purchased housing and feel like I am the odd-man out when it comes to the real estate game.

2. I have realized that a person that has been close to me for a long time is really a hater in disguise. At 30, I like to think that I have put all high school girl drama behind me, and can act like an adult in situations. This person has been secretly trying to hold me back in a variety of ways, most recently in a situation with a guy that I liked. I know that that statement makes me sound totally paranoid, but I am not the only one that has noticed this hateration. It is difficult to cut this person completely from my life, as I have done with other toxic people in the past, so I need to really develop a plan of action as to how to handle further contact.

3.AssBoss has been on a rampage lately, including ripping me and OM a new asshole for our inappropriate and unprofessional behavior. OM wrote it better here, so you can read the whole drama unfold.

So by now, you must be thinking that I need to stop crying like a little bitch, sack up and take it like a man. Oh, I plan to. This is how:

1. If you clicked on the link above and haven’t realized by now that OM and Penny are one in the same, I’m worried for your deductive reasoning skills. We are in process of developing a new blog about our idating experiences, so this should take up some free time. If there are any guys out there that would be interested in meeting us for our experiment, email us a description of yourself at canagirlgetadate@gmail.com .You can also visit our blog at http://canagirlgetadate.blogspot.com/ .

2. Playing loud, angry rap music is the cure-all to my issues. In the illustrious words of Jadakiss and DMX respectively, “Fuck the frail shit” and “Talk is cheap, mother-fucker”.

'Tis The Season

Well, the holiday season has begun, and with that, after spending much time catching up with family and friends, the inevitable questions about my single status have begun. Luckily, with my medical issues I have gotten a reprieve until now, so I cannot in good conscience complain too loudly. Nevertheless, something about the holiday season brings out all the wannabe matchmakers looking to hook two people up before the New Year.

Now that I have hit the big 3-0, the obsession with my marital status (or lack thereof) has reached a fevered pitch with all of my married friends (who probably just want me to get married so I can be as miserable as they are), and family members (who are just nosy mothereffer’s anyway). Oh yes, you know what’s coming next.

To take a stand, and in some subconscious way to get our families off our back, my last single friend (we’ll call her Penny) and I have just signed up at a few internet dating sites, and have decided to write about our escapades and uncover, with evidence, what kind of guys are really out there. The sites and names of our dates will of course remain top secret, but suffice to say that with a little internet savvy, it should be no problem to guess what they are.

Before I get a ton of hate mail railing on how this is not fair to the guys, I would like to say that we are taking this totally seriously. We have been completely honest in our profiles about what we are looking for and hope that the guys that we deal with have been honest in theirs. Besides, it has got to be better than hearing Aunt Gertie claim she knows the “perfect” guy for me.

The Things I Am Most Thankful For

2006 Edition

I am thankful that I am no longer ill, am off medication and no longer under medical supervision.

I am thankful that I am working again and that my brain is functioning at high speeds once again.

I am thankful that I had a really great 30th birthday, complete with surprises thanks to my family and friends.

I am thankful that the computer geek at work hooked up my computer so when I plug my iPod in I can play hip-hop music, especially Jay-Z’s Black album, which pisses my AssDirector off.

I am thankful that I finally found the perfect pair of brown high boots, after literally searching for YEARS.

I am thankful for all of the new people that I have met this year and have become friends with. That includes you other bloggers out there. ;)

I am thankful that the trailer for the 5th Harry Potter movie has come out… and looks really good. The release date for the movie is 07/15/07, and that the rumored release date for the 7th Harry Potter book is 07/07/07. July 2007 is all about HP.

I am thankful that the easy listening station has been playing “Last Christmas” by Wham. In my opinion, this is the best holiday song ever.

Of course, I am also thankful for my family and friends, who need mental help sometimes when dealing with me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Happy Thanksgiving.


P.S.: The only thing I am not thankful for is that I have to work on Friday. I will have the whole office to myself, with only 2 staff, so I guess it could be worse. The agency could have mandated another staff development day. :(

Rant of the Day

If there is one thing that I have serious issues with, it is when people don’t tell the entire truth under the guise of “sparing my feelings”. I would rather find out the whole story at first, and deal with that hurt, rather than hear a fictional account and find out the truth at a later time.

To make a long, ridiculous story short and anonymous: An acquaintance became interested in one of the guys that I have been talking to. Since there is nothing serious between us, I think it is a non-issue, but she wouldn’t tell me the truth; that she asked him out on a date. I found out later, and when I asked her, she STILL wouldn’t tell me the truth about it. She claims that she is trying to spare my feelings about this “triangle”.

Honestly, there is no triangle. He and I don’t like each other like that. Obviously she is interested in him, and since he is a grown man, and I don’t own him, he can make his own decisions about who he wants to date. I also like to think that I am mature enough to deal with adult situations…meaning that I don’t sit around and cry like a little bitch when things don’t go my way.

I really hate being involved in girl drama, especially when I really couldn’t care any less than I already do.

When the Shit Hits the Fan...

Everyone gets dirty. The past two weeks have been the most stressful of my entire life. I had to participate in the termination of two employees. I am not good at firing people. I’m sure I was more emotional about both situations than the employees concerned.

The first employee was fired due to sexual harassment. He was working with us for about a month. Office Mate was his direct supervisor, and we all thought he was a good worker. Apparently, during all this time, he was sending sexually explicit notes anonymously to the administrative assistant in our unit. The NYPD was contacted and did an investigation about the notes and found that he wrote them. Most of the things written on those notes were serial killer creepy. Needless to say, it was not a pleasant experience for everyone involved, especially the admin.

Compared to the first, the second firing was a breeze. The employee was caught falsifying documentation, including her credentials and time card. Don’t ask me how someone can forge a diploma, or why they would go through all that work to risk getting caught and losing everything.

So now it is up to OM and I to hire two more people for these positions, hopefully neither candidate comes with a rap sheet.

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Lately, while commuting to work in the morning, I have noticed an increase of PDA on the trains. Let’s keep that stuff where it belongs…in the darkness of a bar, up against the jukebox with a stranger. That's where I do it. Oh, who am I kidding, I’m just salty because it is not me getting any in the morning.

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I am still on the apartment hunt. The apartment I mentioned in a previous post was sold before I had a chance to place a bid on it. I guess it was for a good reason, but I loved, loved, loved the water view. I am hoping that another apartment in that building becomes available soon, or that I can find something else to my liking.

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My dress down Friday plan was almost thwarted by my AssBoss; but I am too wily for her. Last Friday was another staff development day, so I wore a pair of khakis. Not too bad. This Friday, cargo pants and a long sleeved t-shirt.

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I have posted a picture of the offensive Crocs that my sister owns here. The picture was taken with my cell phone camera during a stealth mission. I think my second career should be as a spy!

Don't Hate Me Because...

I'm sure there are a myriad of things that I could be hated for, but being female? I didn't think that I could be hated on for that, but I have been proved wrong.

The scenario:

I'm standing on line to order my lunch. The guy in front of me orders this grilled chicken hero with assorted accoutrements. I order a grilled cheese sandwich on whole wheat. Can you explain to me why his sandwich was $ 3.00 and mine was $ 4.95? And don't give me any BS about lunch specials either; I work in SoHo, they don't believe in that around here. I don't care about the money, but when I questioned the woman, she couldn't give me a response as to why the chicken sandwich was less money than 2 slices of whole wheat slapped with a few slices of cheese.

Was the bread freshly baked with hand-ground wheat grown on premesis? NO. Was the cheese freshly made from free range cows grazing on Varick Street? NO.

Please, can someone explain this logic to me. I have no problem paying for food, provided it is warranted. A grilled cheese sandwich is not haute cuisine. There is no celebrity chef behind the scenes using rare ingredients. So why? It all comes down to penis (doesn't it always?). I don't have one, he did. Sandwich lady was all flirty flirty with him, while I got the rainy day attitude. Therefore, I will not be frequenting that lunch place any longer, which sucks because their soups are really good.


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P.S.: I am officially declaring that my hair is my #1 nemesis. After years of begging and pleading with it to work with me, I have given up. Like Milli Vanilli sang all those years ago, "Blame it on the Rain... yeah, yeah".

Don't Call 911 For Me...

OK, so I wasn’t able to claim that my spleen exploded and that I needed to leave early and leave the torture of this training day. This is where I have an ethical dilemma. On one hand, as a manager, I need to make sure that my unit is complying with all of the regulations established by our funding agencies and NYS. On the other hand, I really hate to micromanage my staff, because I don’t like to be micromanaged.

At today’s training, OM and I needed to present and explain a new procedure in our assessment process. I think that this new procedure is BS, and not going to work long-term; and mentioned my thoughts in the preliminary development meeting, and was shot down by the Assistant Director of the program and told to be more of a “team player”. (Who, by the way, only has a Bachelor’s degree and is supervising people with higher degrees than her. It’s really not about what you know, but who you know).

Fast forward to today’s meeting when the staff is all complaining that the changes are irrelevant to the assessment phase and implementing them would really be out of their job description. What is a “team playing” middle manager to do? Blame it on the collective “they”. As in:

“They” want us to do this.
“They” decided that this would be more cost-effective.
“They” think you all could do a better job.

What I really felt like saying was:

The crazy AssDirector who is trying to impress her new boss, is coming up with these maniacal ideas that make no sense to what our program does, in order to make a name for herself so that she can get the promotion she was passed over by her bosses’ predecessor.

I’m saving that gem for when I really need it; I can’t show my hand this early in the game. I’ll save it for when I get into trouble for dressing down on Fridays.

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P.S.: I don't know what is wrong with my Google Reader; I am not getting the updates for the blogs I subscribe to. This means that I have to go to each one individually, which I am not down with. I'm all about one-stop shopping aka I'm lazy. :(

What Does a Girl Have To Do To Get A Day Off Around Here?

Because the agency that I work for is a bit wrong, we do not have Election Day or Veteran’s Day off. Our funding source is closed, but that means that we get two days of my most favorite thing…Staff Development! Less than 6 months on the job, I’ve already participated in 3 developmental/bonding days and have another 4 scheduled before the end of the year. WooHoo!

Seriously. One of the downside of being a manager is that I can’t outwardly show my contempt for these inane team building exercises and trainings. I am on a break right now and am trying to figure out what type of illness I can claim to allow me to leave early.

To be continued......



P.S.: Vote, Vote, Vote!

I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough and Gosh Darn It, People Like Me!

This post is a compilation of everything that has been in my head lately. I know that my posts have been sort of lacking lately, but… I’m back bitches!

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I don’t think of myself as high maintenance, more like no maintenance; however I do expect a certain level of propriety during the following situations:

Subway Riding: All NY’ers know about the courtesy seat left between riders on the subway. If the train car is empty, there is no need to sit next to someone. You are supposed to skip a seat. Why is it then when I have the good fortune of being in an otherwise empty car, I always get someone coming to sit right next to me? I know I look unthreatening next to a bunch of teens making noise, but seriously… save some room for the Holy Spirit; my fat ass needs its own space.
Restroom Usage: Maybe I’m sensitive because of my own past issues in this department, but in public bathrooms, when you are dropping a bomb, please be aware that you need to flush the toilet during the act so that the entire bathroom and hallway outside the bathroom doesn’t smell like the gutter behind our office building.
Morning Behavior: I usually don’t speak in the morning, in fact, I mostly present with a surly demeanor and a scowl on my face. Although, when someone says “good morning” to me, I respond in kind, at the very least acknowledge it with a head nod or something. I’m not trying to have a long drawn-out conversation with you before 9am. So then tell me why when I go out of my way in the morning to say “good morning” to someone, I don’t get the same return courtesy? Yes, I’m looking at you cute book boy from the coffee shop. Be nice…it’s free.

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This past week at work has been a bit stressful. It’s a long story; here is the Cliff’s Notes version (with my comments in parentheses).

[Story Removed]

I actually had to referee a showdown between members of the staff. My whole thought process can be summed up by this:

Personal business does not belong at work. We are not animals; we don’t shit where we eat.

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My agency does not have a dress down Friday policy. I do not recognize this; we work in social service, we should dress down all the time. In the time that I’ve been working here, in my own little rebellious way, I’ve been dressing down and waiting to see how far I can go before I get into trouble. Today’s outfit is brown corduroys and a button-down white shirt from Old Navy.

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As an update...

I am saddened to report that my sister has gone out and bought a pair of Crocs. I know. That's why I'm looking for a new place to live.

Happy Halloween!

I couldn't decide which picture to use, so I chose both. Try not to eat too much candy, and be safe in your reveling.

What Do You Look Like Again?

In order to allow my liver to regenerate a bit since I have been on an alcoholic liquid diet for the past two weeks, I took this weekend off. It was so nice to lie all snuggled in my bed on Saturday listening to the wind and rain and not have to be out in the bad weather running errands or having to wrangle my hair into an acceptable style and put an outfit together.

During my lie-in, while on the phone with a friend, I finally admitted to something that has plagued me for many years. I don’t remember what people look like. I know that sounds weird, but keep reading and you will learn even more about my deep, dark secret. I never said I was normal, and I know that my issue is more widespread than just me. There was a Sex and the City episode about it when Carrie meets Berger.

Whenever I meet someone new (usually a guy), I never remember what they look like. This tends to hinder me, especially if I go to the same places often (which I do and as an aside, I have also realized that I need to frequent different bars; i.e. not only those that are named after the streets that they are located on although for convenience they can’t be beat.), guys think I am being unfriendly or arrogant (aka bitchy) when I don’t say hello, or speak to them when it really is that I don’t remember what they look like. I’ll remember the conversation just fine, and some details of the person, but couldn’t pick them out of lineup.

By the way, this has nothing to do with alcohol. Basically this all stems from insecurity. Trust me; I have worked this out for a long time. When I am introduced to someone, I feel that I am unremarkable and guys won’t remember me, so I block what they look like out of my mind. Sounds good, right?

More than likely, though, it’s probably because on a subconscious level, I am not interested in what these dudes have to say; and forgetting what they look like is my minds’ way to tell me to move it along. I know that that sounds really rude, but it is the truth… so I guess what I wrote in the previous paragraphs is really true. I am a rude, arrogant bitch. Oh well, at least I think I'm cute, when my hair works with me. (: P)


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P.S.: I think I have found an apartment with my name all over it. It is 1300 square feet; with 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a terrace off the kitchen that has a water view and a parking space in the garage. The building also has a pool, tennis court, gym facilities and a roof deck. Obviously it is not in Manhattan, because for the price it is listed for I would be lucky to get an oversized closet on the 9th floor in a 10 floor walkup.

P.P.S.: I'm planning my March vacation to Curacao, which I hope will not be overrun with Spring Breakers and parasites. I've already explained my luck with parasites. One of these days I'll tell you about my luck with boy Spring Breakers...long, long, long after graduation.

Pre-Mid-Life Crisis

What exactly are the qualifications to claim a mid life crisis? Is there a specific age or behavior that classifies one’s actions as mid-life crisis? I think I am having one; so instead of looking to buy a sports car, I started looking at apartments to buy. My goal is to be in a new place by the spring. Springtime=rebirth. Clever, no?

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I keep getting emails in my work mailbox about improving my sex-life.

The most recent email:

Good afternoon: Would you like to have stronger ejaculation?
See our offer: http://barraildcom/gal/gsm/
Surely you only dream of it. Now it’s possible to do with magic tab
Use this tab regularly and you’ll have the best Buy it now – and this night will be the best in your life

Even my junk mail knows I am not getting any; and mocking me for it.

P.S.: Last time I checked, I still didn’t have a penis.

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Lately, all the books I have been reading have been coming-of -age tales. These three books were my favorite of the bunch. By the way, these are all easy reads, and I guarantee that you all will be able to relate to the characters.

Mister Posterior and the Genius Child by Emily Jenkins

Bad Haircut: Stories of the Seventies by Tom Perrotta

King Dork by Frank Portman

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This recent comment sums up my last post about denim skirts with leggings and slouchy boots, and says it better than I could have; therefore I have nothing else to say on the subject. Thanks Eve.

It looks allright on 8 year old girls but if you're out of middle school:
please don't wear it!

Leggings don't look good on anyone and skirts are awesome but they should be worn with decent shoes (w/killer heels) and not with slouchy boots!

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ETA:

I've finally gotten my shit together and added some links to the sidebar. In the interest of fairness, they are in alphabetical order. I don't play favorites, I love all my blogs equally. Except for my sister. She'd kick my ass if she wasn't first on the list.

Don't Think I've Forgotten...

about needing to discuss the "new" trend of wearing cropped leggings underneath a denim skirt with slouchy boots.

Topic: It is currently 2006, not 1986. There is a reason why 80's fashion should stay in the 80's. It's UGLY!!

Discuss.