Thursday, August 31, 2006

My Fall Debut

After a medically induced hiatus from anything resembling fun, I am ready to go out and show my colon who's boss. So tonight, in celebration of my regulated bowel movements, my new haircut and my cousin's 31st birthday, I will begin my training for my own 30th birthday. I have about a month to get back into "fighting" shape.

Off I go to a bar in the Financial District to see if I can find a cute boy to talk to that is still standing after Happy Hour.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

F Blogger For Not Posting My Pictures

My pictures are not posting with Blogger, so I'm posting my Flickr account so you can see them all.

1. & 2. From the podcast: Visual proof from my brother's wedding.

3. Me and my brother in our wifebeaters.

4. Guidos in full effect.

5. Face of a criminal.

Click here for My Flickr Account or copy and paste into your address bar.

By the way, my new cell phone is awesome. I can read all of my stuff from Google Reader much easier on this phone than on my last one.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

We're Back

New podcast with 149 things you'll ever want to know about me and my sister including, but not limited to girl parts, porn, and naughty Catholic schoolgirls, plus a very special announcement.

Go here to listen.

ETA: Names and artists of songs at the end of the cast:

Bittersweet Symphony-The Verve
Chocolate-Snow Patrol
I Miss You-Blink 182
Moment in the Sun-Clem Snide
I'll Remember You-Skid Row
Happy Together-Simple Plan
The Last Song-The All-American Rejects

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Public Service Announcement

I usually don’t participate in ethnic stereotyping, but in this case I will make an exception, since it pains my heart to claim ethnic relation to these morons. I am of course speaking about the guido. You may know of this group by many other names, if you are unclear please see one of the many definitions listed here. If you frequent the beaches of the NY/NJ area in the summer you are also familiar with these specimens. If you are a guido and are reading this post, please save yourself before it becomes too late; and, as an aside, where do you get your eyebrows waxed?

Throughout my teen years, I have been plagued by these guys, living near a hotbed of guido activity. In growing older, and after going away to college, I thought that the idea of crispy gelled hair and fake tans would become a thing of the past. Alas, it was never meant to be. The crispy hair was funny in 1990, because everyone looked like that, (my hair has finally forgiven me for the sins I have committed against it.), but it is 2006. No one, especially a man should have hair that looks like they have stuck their fingers in an electrical socket. For further visual evidence, please go here.

With Labor Day weekend and the end of the summer season fast approaching, these guidos will be determined to drain every bar/club in the vicinity of water of all alcoholic beverages while wearing their best wifebeater t-shirts that show off their steroid enhanced bodies and white on white Nike Air Force One sneakers. They will crowd the parking lots of said establishments with their BMWs and Escalades. They will attempt to hit on every female within shouting distance, before humping them on the dance floor while dripping with sweat and smearing their self-tanning lotion. Please, I implore you to not look them directly in the eyes, lest one of their fake blue contact lenses pops out and takes YOUR eye out. If conversation is necessary, be sure that you brush up on your sarcasm beforehand. The best thing to do in this situation is to make a few jokes, get a few laughs at their expense and move it along.

If you would like to do further research so that you are better prepared this Labor Day weekend, please look at the following websites:

Good for a laugh at work

The Gold Standard of all Guidos

Sad, they start so young

P.S.: My thoughts and prayers go out to the state of New Jersey, especially the Jersey shore in this their time of need.

Just for a little fun, this is a picture of the one and only time in our lives that my brother and I have worn wifebeaters.

**Blogger was pissing me off with posting pictures, so I had to link to them instead. Sorry.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Seriously, who voted for this fool for president?

Sunday, August 20, 2006

I Plead the 5th

After talking to my college roommate Claire today about certain memories from college that have been buried deep in the annals of our brains, I read this post which confirmed to me that I am not the only one not claiming my inappropriate behavior due to my selective memory.

All of the stories below are true, only identifying information have been slightly altered to protect the innocent or incriminate the guilty. None of these incidents occurred while on Spring Break. (I got into enough trouble during the academic year; I didn’t need a ticket to Cancun to give me permission to act out). The only people that know about these stories are those who were involved. I keep my dirt WAY undercover. That’s the best part of looking like a geek, nobody suspects a thing.

The Top Three Forgotten on Purpose Incidents

1. My 4 roommates and I were out to dinner celebrating a 21st birthday. We were seated next to a table with about 10 soldiers in fatigues. We started joking back and forth with them, and they started buying us drinks after they heard what we were celebrating. They left. Through our waitress, they sent us a note inviting us to the hotel where they were staying. Being slightly inebriated, and looking for some more free alcohol we went…and found out that they were part of a larger group of soldiers in the area for the Army/Navy football game. Yeah, putting 5 young girls in a room full of strange soldiers might not have been the safest idea, but we all had a really good time. After, we framed the note and hung it on our refrigerator, and everyone that came into our house and saw the note asked what happened that night. Between the 5 of us, none of us could recall a thing. Strange, huh?

2. During my semester abroad, Claire and I decided to go out dancing. I was wearing a new dress and shoes that I had just bought. No problem right? Wrong! I didn’t realize until the end of the night that my dress was completely see-through. This was after I was pulled up onto the speakers by the security guy and started shaking my ass like it was my job. (I thought it was because he was worried that I was going to get trampled by the crowd because I am so short) I thought that the crowd of guys in front of the speakers were cheering and clapping because of my awesome dance moves, until Claire finally noticed, pulled me aside and told me. In class a few days later, my professor (who was young and apparently at the club on the night my bits were on display) took me aside and mentioned my performance. I did the only thing I could do…I told him that I didn’t have any idea what he was talking about. By the way, yes, I was wearing underwear, and no, it didn’t really cover much. At least it happened when I was skinny.

3. While visiting a friend at her college, I met her boyfriend’s friend. We went out to the bars by her school, and spent some quality time together. After leaving the bar, we couldn’t find a cab, so we left my friend and her bf and “went for a walk” together. We wound up near a park and spent some time there. When we left, we noticed a really bad smell around us. Thinking nothing of it we continued on our way. When we got back to my friends dorm, we still hadn’t gotten rid of the smell. After looking all over to try and figure out what it was, we realized that the park we were in was not a park at all but land that was part of a horse stable. Yes, that’s correct, we were surrounded by horseshit. Ask me why I didn’t notice the smell before we got down to business. Go ahead ask me. I have no answer for that one. Not my finest hour. At least I didn’t get any on me. That was all on him. .

Well, those are the three stories (from college) that I miraculously remembered in order to post them here, with help from Claire. Can you believe that I graduated college with a 3.75 GPA? Yeah, me neither. Sociology wasn’t that hard of a major.


PS: Congratulations to PMS (really her initials) on giving birth to twins: Evan Scott and Eric Stephen.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Deep Thoughts...

After spending way too much bonding time with the family while preparing for my brother’s wedding, I thought I would be able to re-claim my sanity by now. Alas, it is not to be. A few days after the wedding, my mother fell, and fractured her elbow. Seeing as she is currently out of commission; I have no job; and we still have guests staying at my parent’s house, I have been called in to act as hostess, chauffeur, and all around servant.

I have come up with the following conclusions in the past week.

  1. I have severe road rage. I love driving, I really do. Usually I am pretty good about avoiding drivers that are in my way, but the past few days have found me driving behind Granny in her 1972 Buick Skylark who obviously cannot tell the difference between the gas and brake pedals, which literally drives me crazy.
  2. If you want to meet and have random in-depth conversations with complete strangers, go to any doctor’s office in Great Neck before 10am. These offices are filled with old couples who will talk to anyone about anything. In the orthopedic surgeons office where my mother was getting her cast and sling, I met a couple who must have been in their late 70s, Edie and Stan, and had an entire conversation about soy milk, and was given some good recipes with it. I don't even drink soy milk.
  3. If I didn’t have the presence of mind to think before I speak and count to ten, I would really get myself in trouble with some of the things that come into my mind.
  4. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY need to get back to work. REALLY!

I know that this was a crappy post, but my brain is fried right now. I wish I had a better reason for why it is, but there you have it. Hopefully, I will be able to get my thoughts back together and post something that makes a bit more sense.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Slave to the Bowl

In mixed company, why is it ok for a guy to talk about random bodily functions, or a mother to talk about her, or her child’s physical and medical issues but when a single female does it, she is being nasty and inappropriate? That irritates me. So for all the single females who feel ashamed of talking about their bowel movements or gas issues look no further!

Disclaimer: If you have a weak constitution, avoid the rest of this post.

As there is no delicate way to say this, I will come right out and say that the reason that I have been out of work for the past several months is that I had chronic and persistent diarrhea. Apparently my colon became a hot-spot for some bacterial parasites I picked up while on a Caribbean vacation. Trust me, after 6+ months of peeing out of your ass, all the ladylike embarrassment made over a bowel movement is gone; not to mention the fact that I was basically confined to my house for a long time, never being able to venture too far from the toilet. The worst part of the whole thing was that I had to tell everyone; from my primary doctor, gynecologist, pharmacist, family, friends, co-workers and bosses what was going on. (An aside: Before a colonoscopy, you need to flush out all of the waste that is in your colon. When someone has chronic diarrhea, they still make you drink that nasty stuff. Why? Good question. Even the doctors at Cornell/NYPH couldn’t answer me. If you know why, please email me and let me know.)

Before my sojourn into gastrointestinal hell, I was never ashamed of talking about my bowel movements or gas issues. Talking was no problem, actually doing was an issue. I wouldn’t use a public bathroom to leave a deposit in, and when I went away on vacations and conferences, it took me a few days before I was comfortable enough to use the facilities. It took me almost 3 months to be able to use my dorm bathroom, and I lived in a suite with 3 other girls and had a PRIVATE bathroom. The issues that I had with not using a bathroom until I get comfortable or that I don’t want anyone to know what I am doing hardly affect me anymore; crapping your pants when you are 29 years old because you have not gotten to the bathroom fast enough is a just a teensy bit more embarrassing.

Bizarrely, with all of my shitting issues, I have never had an issue with passing gas. In college, my roommate or I used to “inaugurate” new places, especially if we were drunk. Silent ones only… I mean I do have some sense of decorum. I also believe in claiming your work, not to say that a big announcement with a parade is needed, but a small “that was me” gets the job done. My ex-boyfriend hated when I needed to pass gas, he used to say it was gross, although he used to fart around me all the time. He never claimed them though, but come on, how stupid could I be, especially if it was just the two of us.

Fortunately, my war against intestinal parasites has come to an end. Please accept this post in the vein that it was written; tounge in cheek, and with a lot of truth. When your friends buy you a package of Depends as a joke, you tend not to take shit seriously. (Pun Intended)

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

King of My Castle

The following is a short play that I wrote based on a true story. For hours of wholesome fun, get together with friends and family and act it out.

Telemarketer A

Scene: Early evening, around 6pm on a random weekday. Sloane is cooking dinner. The telephone rings.

Sloane: Hello

Telemarketer A (TMA): May I speak to Sloane Peterson please?

Sloane: Speaking.

TMA: We would like to offer... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Sloane: No thanks, I am not interested.

TMA: Is there a Mr. Peterson or Head of Household I can speak with?

Sloane: No there isn't a Mr. Peterson, and you've just spoke with the head of household. Why would you think that speaking to another member of this household would get you a different response; considering that you asked to speak with me first because the telephone is registered under my name?

TMA: We'll try back another time.

Sloane: I don't think my answer would be different no matter when you try me back; please remove my name from your database.

TMA: We'll try back another time. (Hangs up)

End scene


While I rarely give out my home telephone number to anyone anymore, I am always paranoid when that phone rings always thinking it is someone calling with bad news, which makes it ironic that more often than not, it is a telemarketer on the other side. I really don't mind the calls, they give me a chance to vent anger to a stranger with little to no repercussion.

I get about ten telemarketing calls a week. I have joined the Do Not Call Registry, and always ask to be removed from databases so I suppose it could be worse. Besides, my dad and I have a competition on who can make up the most outlandish stories tell the telemarketers or engage them in a conversation having nothing to do with their actual reason for calling. He usually wins; he is very creative. The last call he received from a chimney cleaning company, he told them that his house did not have a chimney because he removed it when his kids were young. The telemarketer asked him why (taking him seriously), and he said it was because when his kids were bad, to punish them he took the chimney away so Santa Claus couldn't leave gifts at Christmas. True story. Now do you see where I get it from?

Friday, August 04, 2006

Does This Look Like The Face of a Criminal?

Apparently, the NYPD thinks so. I was stopped twice yesterday by the police while going about my non-criminal business.

The first time I was stopped was at a checkpoint near Kennedy Airport. I was there to pick up some family when I was stopped and questioned if I was carrying any chemicals into the airport or had knowledge of anyone carrying chemicals. Obviously, since I always carry extra plutonium so when my Delorean hits 88 miles per hour so I can break the space/time continuum and go back in time like Marty McFly, I had to let the officers know.

The second time I was stopped was for speeding and running a red light. The officer that pulled me over asked me if I knew why he stopped me. Of course I knew why, but I played it dumb, and mentioned that I knew an officer from the same precinct , and was let go with a warning. It was too bad that I forgot to be all flirty, the officer was cute. Oh well, at least I got out of a ticket.

Hopefully, I am able to stay under the radar gun for the next three days, I can't show up to my brother's wedding in handcuffs, although they would look fabulous with my bridesmaid's dress!

P.S.: That's me at 5 years old.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Silence is Golden…So SHUT UP Already!

There are some days where I crave silence. No talking, no listening... just me alone with my thoughts. Usually when I have decisions to make, I close myself off from everyone and don't speak. I know, I sound like a freak, but it is one of my secret single behaviors. Yesterday and today have been those types of days; however with the wedding of the year at the end of the week, my days of silence are not to be. It seems that nobody in my circle of trust appreciates silence as much as I do.

Yesterday, I was offered a director's position at a small upstart social service agency in Brooklyn. The salary is a bit lower than what I was expecting, but the agency has less than 50 clients, so their budget reflects that. I would be developing an educational curriculum for incorporation into their treatment plans. While the job sounds interesting, and I would be given a lot of autonomy to do it, there is something about the job that just doesn’t feel right. I have a meeting tomorrow with the President and CEO to talk about what my decision is.

In trying to organize my thoughts to making this decision, I have been inundated with calls from friends and family, asking if I’m ready for the “big day”, taking care of visitors from out-of-state, and listening to everyone’s opinion on my job situation. I haven’t had a moment to formulate my own thoughts on the position and how I would benefit by accepting the job.

The more I try to withdraw and begin thinking about making a decision, the more people find me to talk to me about nonsense. Short of being blatantly rude, which I have been to a degree, and telling people to shut the fuck up; I have tried to convey the importance of silence for me at this time. Nobody gets it. They are in party mode after all…and how do you party in silence?

ADDENDUM: This is my horoscope for today. I think it says it all.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Sometimes you can choose to take the easy way out of a difficult situation, but this isn't the case now. Your current drive to do what's right makes your life more complicated than you prefer, but you won't have much of a choice. You must do what matches your deepest convictions if you're to hold favor with those people who are most important to you.