Pre-Mid-Life Crisis

What exactly are the qualifications to claim a mid life crisis? Is there a specific age or behavior that classifies one’s actions as mid-life crisis? I think I am having one; so instead of looking to buy a sports car, I started looking at apartments to buy. My goal is to be in a new place by the spring. Springtime=rebirth. Clever, no?

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I keep getting emails in my work mailbox about improving my sex-life.

The most recent email:

Good afternoon: Would you like to have stronger ejaculation?
See our offer: http://barraildcom/gal/gsm/
Surely you only dream of it. Now it’s possible to do with magic tab
Use this tab regularly and you’ll have the best Buy it now – and this night will be the best in your life

Even my junk mail knows I am not getting any; and mocking me for it.

P.S.: Last time I checked, I still didn’t have a penis.

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Lately, all the books I have been reading have been coming-of -age tales. These three books were my favorite of the bunch. By the way, these are all easy reads, and I guarantee that you all will be able to relate to the characters.

Mister Posterior and the Genius Child by Emily Jenkins

Bad Haircut: Stories of the Seventies by Tom Perrotta

King Dork by Frank Portman

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This recent comment sums up my last post about denim skirts with leggings and slouchy boots, and says it better than I could have; therefore I have nothing else to say on the subject. Thanks Eve.

It looks allright on 8 year old girls but if you're out of middle school:
please don't wear it!

Leggings don't look good on anyone and skirts are awesome but they should be worn with decent shoes (w/killer heels) and not with slouchy boots!

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ETA:

I've finally gotten my shit together and added some links to the sidebar. In the interest of fairness, they are in alphabetical order. I don't play favorites, I love all my blogs equally. Except for my sister. She'd kick my ass if she wasn't first on the list.

Don't Think I've Forgotten...

about needing to discuss the "new" trend of wearing cropped leggings underneath a denim skirt with slouchy boots.

Topic: It is currently 2006, not 1986. There is a reason why 80's fashion should stay in the 80's. It's UGLY!!

Discuss.

Croc of Bull

I have never claimed to be a fashionista; more than anything I am a comfortista, meaning that I dress for comfort and function rather than style. That being said, I usually keep up with the trends only to participate in them when the novelty and trendiness has worn off.

The one trend that I have difficulty buying into, let alone desire in participating in is the Croc trend. I see them everywhere in Manhattan, and hipper parts of Queens and Brooklyn, (I don’t mess with the Bronx), but cannot get into the spirit of them. I think they are the ugliest shoes in the world with their rainbow palette of colors and plastic appearance.

Now, don’t get me wrong; I understand the purpose behind the shoe. Originally developed for service fields; i.e. doctors and chefs, who work on their feet for long hours, they have been co-opted by people who think that they look cute and whimsical. The real issue that I have with these “shoes” is that they have infiltrated the professional world. Excuse me, but if you expect me to take you seriously in a meeting, wearing bright lime green clog type shoes with a business suit is not the way to go about that.

If this trend has not hit your area yet, be thankful. No one that I know currently owns a pair, although my sister has been talking about buying a pair. That’s when I will have to disavow any knowledge of her, which will be hard to do since we live together and she does my laundry.

Wow, Your Hair Is So Sparkly

As if I didn’t have enough of a complex about the unruliness and uncooperativeness (is that even a word?) of my hair, while in the bathroom at a restaurant, some girl came up to me and commented on the “sparkliness” of my hair. It took me a minute to realize what she was talking about. Once I did, I turned around and told her that I get the silver highlights put in specially.

I know I have gray hairs. I prefer to ignore them; and hope they go away; therefore, I do not need some drunk and/or high female in a public bathroom to point them out to me.

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I added a new function to this blog: e-mail subscription. The sign-up box is found in the sidebar. Now you should have no excuse for not keeping up with all my trials and tribulations.

Is Someone Trying To Tell Me Something?

It's Friday, and I come into work a little hungover. Me and Office Mate in various states of consciousness come back from lunch, and find the following two emails in our inboxes.

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-----Original Message-----
From: Xxxxxxx [mailto:Xxxxxxx @ xxxxxx.xxx]
Sent: Friday, October 13, 2006 12:41 PM
To: XxXxxxx, Xxxxx
Subject: We will get you the results you need


Buy it now ? and this night will be the best in your life It?s the best thing you had ever seen! It starts great but you feel like finishing within very first minutes? This is a common thing.

Don?t be afraid
http://utexaloci.com/gal/vm/
Confidence and affection of your partner are the greatest things you get.



-----Original Message-----
From: XXxxxx [mailto:XxxxXxxxxxxxxx@xxxxx.xx.xx]
Sent: Friday, October 13, 2006 12:41 PM
To: XxXxxxx, Xxxxx
Subject: And the results will impress your girl

Enjoy multi-orgasms using this powerful thing
It will be great We all hate her saying her previous partner did not finish that soon.
Don't trust me? http://uindasho.com/gal/vm/
She just won't be able to leave you at all! Be her number one forever! You'll have a huge crush on each other again.

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Yeah, that's what I said.

Act Now…Supplies Are Limited!

Is anyone interested in buying some certified pre-owned pimples? They brand new; and I am willing to part with them for a small fee. I’ll let them go for 2 dollars each, 3 for five. If you act now, within the next 6 hours, I will throw in the fourth free.

I thought that once you left puberty behind, zits would be a non-issue. Obviously I was wrong. I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror to see these growths that sprouted overnight. The biggest is right on my cheek, close to the bottom rim of my glasses. It is so big that I can’t wear my glasses because they touch. Another one is on the left side of my face underneath my ear, and don’t forget the twins on the jaw on my left side. The thing about these zits are that they are painful; I mistakenly scratched my cheek forgetting that I had one there, and I felt like my cheek was engulfed in flames.

I guess if I get bored today at work, instead of falling asleep, I can play connect the dots.

Press Fast Forward

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m moving in slow motion. I don’t know if it is because of the change in weather, or my old age catching up with me, but I am having a really hard time getting out of bed in the morning. The past 2 days have seen me fall asleep at work. Should I be concerned that I have become narcoleptic?

Although, thanks to the change in the weather, my favorite article of clothing for men has resurfaced! I am talking about the pullover sweater-vest. If you had doubts about my nerdiness before, I am sure that I just cemented my position by announcing my love of that article of clothing. I think that it is the only clothing item that looks good on every single guy, and wearing one is the best way to avoid a chest cold, while not getting overheated. Mmmm…glasses and a sweater vest. No better combination in the world. Add left-handedness and I think I’m in love.

Staff Development Day aka I Should Have Stayed in Bed

Am I the only one in NYC at work today? The trains were empty this morning, as I traveled to a meeting held at Cooper Union. We should have had the day off, since our funding source was closed, but the agency decided to hold a Staff Development Day. Most social service agencies have development days to introduce a new program or training. My agency uses development days to tell you about everything that has been going wrong, and how they are going to fix it.

The meeting was over at 11:30 am, and I thought that I would get the opportunity to go home afterwards, and celebrate the rest of Columbus Day by sleeping on my couch; but found out that my boss had scheduled another meeting for 3pm! WTF!?! So, I had to head to my office after the obligatory “networking” lunch with staff from another facility. We were supposed to use the time between meetings to meet with our staff to go over some of their difficult cases. I used the time to take a nice nap.

My boss is a really bad meeting scheduler. We have a standing supervisors meeting every Friday at 4pm; which is the absolute worst time to hold any kind of meeting. She apparently never gotten the memo that MY workweek ends at 3pm on Friday. She’ll learn.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

My sister, OCT-LIBRA is 27 today. Join me in wishing her a happy birthday! Because Oct's got big time showbiz connections, we are going out for dinner to Bar Americain.

I Call Shenanigans!

I love my job, I do, but I met a client today that almost made me change my mind. She was applying for an exemption from employment. Normally the process is a quick one; a few quick assessments and they get approved based on an existing physical or mental disability. She tried to cheat during the assessments, and wanted to give me money so that I would approve her exemption on the basis that she developed a learning disability because of the hardship in her life.

This woman applied for public assistance (welfare) after being released from a VERY expensive spa (rehab) in Connecticut. As a condition of her release, she needed to get involved in both vocational and educational activities. She enrolled in a “TV college” (a school that is advertised on commercials during Maury and Jerry) for Fashion Merchandising, and she has the nerve to sit in front of me and complain that her program wants her to go to school AND work. At the same time! This woman is in her mid 30’s and has never had a job in her entire life

To add insult to injury, she then went on to mention that she is not even paying for her classes; that the Department of Education Disability Services is paying for her training because she knows someone who works there and who put her paperwork through. As she is going on and on about her poor-me life, my office mate and I looked at each other like “WTF is this bitch complaining for?”

After listening to her whine for about 20 minutes, my office-mate escorted her out of the office before I could tell her to be grateful that she wasn’t sent to jail after she got into a car accident while she was high and that she was lucky she knew people that wanted to help her by faking documents.

I wish I would have known these tricks when I was going to graduate school and working full-time. I could have claimed I developed a learning disability from the hardship in my life...my height. I was so stupid back then; standing in the bursars office on my tip-toes writing personal checks to pay my tuition. ;)

I Feel the Need...The Need for Speed

After a weekend of straight partying, I am officially stating that Birthday 2006 was a success, and that 30 looks pretty good on me. :P I wasn’t expecting much more than what I wrote on my last post, (I wasn’t even expecting that much), but after my flying lesson on Saturday, (I’ll get into that in a minute), my sister threw me a surprise party at a NYC bowling alley. It was so much fun; eating, drinking and bowling. Little tip: Bowling during a laser light show and listening to hits from the 1980's will not help your game at all. In fact, you can use that distraction as an excuse as to why you only bowled a 108 between 2 games with the bumpers in use.

Now on to the big things…

This is the type of airplane I flew.

My first flying lesson was awesome. If anyone has the opportunity to take just one lesson, DO IT. My instructor is a female and we have the same name. She is 24 and has had her pilot’s license since age 18. I flew a single engine Cessna, and my sister got the whole thing on video. (When she converts the format, I’ll upload it onto YouTube, so you can see my skills at work.) The day was really great; a perfect day for flying, but it got a bit bumpy towards the end of the flight because the clouds and wind started moving in, but my takeoff and landing were really smooth. The view from the cockpit was beautiful, but flying over Long Island Sound was a bit scary; we hit a few air pockets and dipped sort of low. I had to pull back and raise the plane again. A bit nerve-wracking, but fun nonetheless. Maybe the G5 airplane that I posted as a joke gift for my birthday might not be such a joke after all.

If anyone is interested in taking flying lessons, go here for more information.

The Haul

I had a really great birthday night with the family. We went out for a quiet dinner, just the parents and my sister. My brother and his wife didn’t come out with us. You know, it is very difficult to go out during the week when you are a teacher and have to get up early in the morning. CoughBullshitCough. Anyway, I'm over it.

Now… down to business. My gifts. I NEVER get gifts this extravagant, so imagine my surprise when I opened them.

My parents bought me the Gucci bag that I mentioned in this post. My cousin from Italy brought it with him when he came in for my brother’s wedding. It has been hiding in my parent’s house for a month and I didn’t sniff it out. My game is slippin’, yo.

My sister bought me a portable DVD player, which is awesome; PLUS, she got me FLYING LESSONS!! On Saturday, I will be hitting the skies, so if you live in the NY area, look up at about 1pm to see me.

Birthday weekend continues, going out drinking with my friends tonight to John Street, provided that it doesn’t rain, and my hair works with me, instead of against me.

Today's the Day!

Yup, my birthday. In celebration of my day, I did no work today. (Not really different than any other day, but today I had a good excuse). So before I leave work for the day, I wanted to post my horoscope and celebrities who share my birthday.

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Today’s Horoscope:

Follow a hunch to find that illusive satisfaction you’ve been seeking. Don’t worry about the money, it’ll be easy to get. Focus on the art, and don’t be rigid about the outcome. You have a couple of good ideas, but don’t go bounding off. There’s more planning to be done, if you don’t want to race right off a cliff. And even more if you do.

Mercury, planet of communication and the mind, is extra strong on your birthday this year, so if you know what it is that you want most out of life and if you let friends and colleagues know about it too there is every chance that it will come into your possession over the next 12 months. Put a name to your dream.

With so much cosmic activity in and around your birth sign you are no doubt eager to show what you can do, but there is no need to do everything at once. A strong aspect from Mercury, planet of the mind, to Pluto, planet of transformation, suggests this is a time more for thinking than acting. A good day to make plans.

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Interesting, right? I guess I should find out what I am seeking and start planning to make plans?

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Who shares my birthday:

Actor William Windom is 83. (Born 1923)

Comedian and actor Arnold Stang is 81. (Born 1925)

Actress Brigitte Bardot is 72. (Born 1934)

Singer Koko Taylor is 71. (Born 1935)

Singer Ben E. King is 68. (Born 1938)

Football Hall of Famer Charley Taylor is 65. (Born 1941)

Actor Jeffrey Jones is 60. (Born 1946)-The principal, Mr. Rooney from Ferris Bueller's Day Off!

Director and screenwriter John Sayles is 56. (Born 1950)

Football Hall of Famer Steve Largent is 52. (Born 1954)

Former football wide receiver Irving Fryar is 44. (Born 1962)

Hockey Hall of Famer Grant Fuhr is 44. (Born 1962)

Actress and comedienne Janeane Garofalo is 42. (Born 1964)

Musician Ginger Fish is 40. (Born 1966)

Actress Mira Sorvino is 39. (Born 1967)

Actress Moon Zappa is 39. (Born 1967)

Actress Naomi Watts is 38. (Born 1968)

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is 34. (Born 1972)

Model and dancer Dita Von Teese is 34. (Born 1972)

Actress and singer Hilary Duff is 19. (Born 1987)

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Impressive list, especially Hilary Duff. I'm honored. ;)

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P.S.: It's funny when you are detached from things, as I usually am in the morning; you have a delayed reaction when things happen around you. This morning, after letting one train pass because it was too crowded, I got on a later train and realized that everyone in the car was freaking out about the time. Late is late. 5 minutes, 15 minutes or 35 minutes doesn't make a difference... why rush? You're only going to work. I still stopped and got breakfast (no bialy, I gave up trying to get it my way; yogurt and orange juice), and strolled into my office at exactly 9am.

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P.P.S.: Thanks for the email and e-card Vic, I love getting stuff like that!

I Finally Committed!

I’ve gotten a few emails about my inability to name my favorite movies of all time because I change my mind very often. So without further ado, here are my Top 10 favorite movies. *

Coincidentally, all of these movies have really great soundtracks, so if the premise of the movie isn't your cup of tea, perhaps the music will persuade you.

10. Forest Gump- This is my go-to movie whenever there is nothing on TV. It makes me cry every time.

9. 16 Candles- This movie was on television a lot when I was younger, on Saturday afternoons before cable. It was after I saw this movie where my habit of quoting movie lines at random times developed.

8. A Life Less Ordinary- This movie is part love story, part action movie, and part comedy. It also has a duet by Cameron Diaz and Ewan McGregor (who needs a haircut/style badly) of one of my all time favorite songs Beyond the Sea by Bobby Darin.

7. Sliding Doors- Every girl’s dream and nightmare rolled into one movie. Decisions would be so much easier to make if you were able to see the consequences beforehand. It doesn’t hurt that I also think that John Hannah is hot.

6. Billy Elliot- Angsty coming-of-age tale. The music in this movie completely fits every scene. This is also the only other movie that I have cried at.

5. Office Space- Life as a corporate office drone. This movie makes me laugh, and makes me happy that I chose a different path for my work life.

4. Swingers- According to my friend J, this movie gave away too many guy secrets, especially the three-day phone call rule, which became a hotly debated topic in my circle of friends. (This is the second Ron Livingston movie on the countdown. Total coincidence.)

3. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off- Need I say more? When I was young I wanted a white leather jacket with fringe, and a guy like Ferris as my boyfriend. I still haven’t gotten either one.

2. Girlfight- I watch this movie all the time. Another angsty coming- of- age tale about a badass girl who learns to channel her rage through boxing. I live vicariously through Diana as she kicks ass.

1. The Outsiders- The best movie adapted from a book. EVER. This movie also began my lifelong crush on Matt Dillon.

There you have it. I would love to know what you all think of my list and what movies you consider in your top 10.


*Although I have committed to this listing, it is subject to change at anytime.

On Work and Other Things

I swore I wasn't going to say it. I didn't want to be one of those bosses. I hate those kind of bosses. Unfortunately, at 1:36 pm on 9/20/06, a mere six days into this new job and I lost it.

"I'm gonna need you to go ahead and ..."

I was horrified. If you've seen the movie Office Space, you know what I am talking about; (if you have not seen the movie, rent it, watch it, then come back to me.) I don't want to be the asshole boss that everyone hates who walks around with her coffee mug and is clueless to what actually happens with the staff and around the office. All I need now is for them to start disassembling their cubicles in fits of rage while singing the song Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta by the Geto Boys.

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After the above mentioned fiasco, I found out that I will be sharing an office with the other supervisor because of construction on her side of the building. I don't mind sharing, there is more than enough room for the two of us in the office. My one issue is that she is a drama queen. How can I tell? I have only been there for 6 days and I already know all of her major life issues. If I am to be witness to her fits of insanity during the work week, and have no quiet safe haven, the least the agency can do is provide me with ear plugs.

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Why is it so difficult for the guy in the bagel store to give me the correct order in the morning? I order the same thing everyday; a plain toasted bialy with an orange juice. That's all. Every morning, when I open that bag, there is butter or cream cheese on my bialy. I don't know what else to do. I've said that the order was wrong, I've told him that I would like the bialy dry, but no. If you must know why, I don't like it when the butter melts and seeps through the bag. It also makes the bialy soggy. Don't even get me started on the warm, melted cream cheese. Gross. I can't go anywhere else because it is convenient in its proximity from the train station to my office.

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Apparently, my strategy of picking cute football players for my fantasy team wasn't so smart since I am in last place. I need to rethink and restructure my whole team. If you help me, I'll send you a cool, crisp one dollar bill in the mail.

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There are only 8 more shopping days until my 30th birthday. Maybe you guys lost my address or are not sure what to buy the girl who has everythi... er, nothing? Please see the revised gift list below, and feel free to purchase something for me. I will also be accepting items from the original list posted here.

1. 2006 Bayliner 265:$53,752
2. Mercedes G-Class: $81,450
3. GV-Gulfstream 5: 3.6 million

Notice a theme here?

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For those of you familiar with NYC, please give me a suggestion on where to go for dinner or drinks that has a fairly decent clientele. (read: cute, single guys) My old standby places are not cutting it anymore.

This is Why I Love Living in NYC

Picture it: Subway car, Thursday morning. Me half asleep, trying to concentrate on my book. Rain outside. Middle aged lady seated reading Us Magazine. Cute guy wearing a navy blue zip-front hoodie carrying an umbrella.

Lady to cute guy: You're making me wet.

Me and surrounding passengers do a double take.

Lady to cute guy again: I said you're making me wet.

Cute guy laughing: Yes, I tend to have that effect on the ladies.

Lady getting pissed: With your umbrella.

Cute guy still laughing: I'm flattered, but it's not that big.

Then the lady paused for a second like she was thinking about what he said; the look on her face was priceless when she finally figured out what he was talking about. I know it was early and maybe she wasn't ready with her A game comeback, but seriously, talk about being slow on the uptake.

Thank you random cute boy in the navy hoodie, you made my rainy Thursday morning.

ETA: I submitted this quote here. Come on, you know it made you laugh too. Or am I the only one with a dirty mind here?

So, That's What Working Feels Like

Maybe I've been out of the game for too long, but I don't recall ever commuting with so much conversation going on around me. At 8am, all I want to hear is my IPod singing sweetly to me, not some ass on his cell phone having a screaming match with someone on the other end. Total crap considering I tried everything to get away from him, but there is only so much room in a subway car. He even got off at the same stop as me. Tomorrow I'll have my eye out for him, and bump into him with my bag to get back at him. Hipster jerkoff.

I did nothing today but fill out paperwork, and watch some orientation videos about the history of the agency and the current programs that it offers. Tomorrow, I will be attending a computer training to learn the programs and systems that they use there. Thursday will be my first actual work day. I get to move into my office, which I got a quick glimpse of today, it was being painted. I don't think I saw a window, but I'll manage.

Thanks for all the comments wishing me luck...

PBW: I didn't really check out the shopping situation in detail yet, but I'm sure its nothing that I can't handle. Email me.

Janie and Minnie: Silly assumption ladies. Of course I had to buy new shoes... I couldn't go into work barefoot! What kind of example would I set?

Signgirl: Thanks!

My first day off is on October 2, for Yom Kippur, which makes my birthday weekend 4 whole days long!

P.S.: How am I supposed to lose the junk in my trunk if I work across the street from a fucking CHOCOLATE FACTORY?!?

Untitled

I really don’t know how to write this post; everything that I have written within the past hour has been deleted and rewritten, so please excuse my jumbled thoughts and bear with me.

Every New Yorker has their own 9/11 story, here is mine.

5 years ago I worked in a hospital, in an outpatient clinic. I was just about to leave for a morning meeting when one of my co-workers started screaming for me, calling me back and into the conference room. She was eating her breakfast in there and was watching television. We both saw the second plane hit the tower, and looked at each other in shock. We just stared at the television thinking it was something out of the movie Independence Day. It was totally surreal. About an half hour later, we were called by the hospital Chief of Staff and told that the hospital was on lockdown and that all management personnel were needed in the Emergency Room to assist with triage. NYC buses were transporting firefighters, police officers and EMS workers from our ER downtown, and bringing back people that had minor injuries. The most vivid memory I have of that day is that all of the people coming into the ER from the site seemed grey and were covered with soot and debris. Towards the end of the day, the National Guard had set up camp on the hospital grounds and were Medevac-ing severely injured (mostly burned) people from the WTC site.

At this point, I was unable to get in touch with my parents or siblings to let them know that I was ok, just unable to leave the hospital. I tried to get in touch with my cousin and my roommate who both worked close to the towers, my cousin at 120 Broadway, my roommate at One Liberty Plaza. I didn’t find out about either of them until 2 days later, both fine, they found each other and walked uptown together.

I was able to leave the hospital at about 11pm, and while traveling home, I couldn’t help but notice how quiet the streets were. Eerily quiet. No cars on the road, hardly any traffic. No hustle and bustle. Just silence.

It was weeks later before I found out definitively of two friends that died, both of whom worked at the WTC. JFQ and PC. You are always missed.

Victims of 9/11

Quit Fooling Around and Get Back To Work!

OK, I will.

I am pleased to announce that I will be returning to the ranks of the employed on September 12th. I was able to find an agency that gave me the best combination of administrative duties, and direct client care for the salary that I wanted. The best part of the whole situation is that the job is in downtown Manhattan, which makes commuting a breeze.

Now, if that is not a good enough excuse to go on a shopping spree, I don't know what is! (not that I need an excuse, but it sounds good.)


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To my fantasy football league: Bring it on, bitches! It's go time!

My Fall Debut

After a medically induced hiatus from anything resembling fun, I am ready to go out and show my colon who's boss. So tonight, in celebration of my regulated bowel movements, my new haircut and my cousin's 31st birthday, I will begin my training for my own 30th birthday. I have about a month to get back into "fighting" shape.

Off I go to a bar in the Financial District to see if I can find a cute boy to talk to that is still standing after Happy Hour.

F Blogger For Not Posting My Pictures

My pictures are not posting with Blogger, so I'm posting my Flickr account so you can see them all.

1. & 2. From the podcast: Visual proof from my brother's wedding.

3. Me and my brother in our wifebeaters.

4. Guidos in full effect.

5. Face of a criminal.


Click here for My Flickr Account or copy and paste http://www.flickr.com/photos/sloanesdayoff/ into your address bar.


By the way, my new cell phone is awesome. I can read all of my stuff from Google Reader much easier on this phone than on my last one.

We're Back

New podcast with 149 things you'll ever want to know about me and my sister including, but not limited to girl parts, porn, and naughty Catholic schoolgirls, plus a very special announcement.

Go here to listen.

ETA: Names and artists of songs at the end of the cast:

Bittersweet Symphony-The Verve
Chocolate-Snow Patrol
I Miss You-Blink 182
Moment in the Sun-Clem Snide
I'll Remember You-Skid Row
Happy Together-Simple Plan
The Last Song-The All-American Rejects

Public Service Announcement

I usually don’t participate in ethnic stereotyping, but in this case I will make an exception, since it pains my heart to claim ethnic relation to these morons. I am of course speaking about the guido. You may know of this group by many other names, if you are unclear please see one of the many definitions listed here. If you frequent the beaches of the NY/NJ area in the summer you are also familiar with these specimens. If you are a guido and are reading this post, please save yourself before it becomes too late; and, as an aside, where do you get your eyebrows waxed?

Throughout my teen years, I have been plagued by these guys, living near a hotbed of guido activity. In growing older, and after going away to college, I thought that the idea of crispy gelled hair and fake tans would become a thing of the past. Alas, it was never meant to be. The crispy hair was funny in 1990, because everyone looked like that, (my hair has finally forgiven me for the sins I have committed against it.), but it is 2006. No one, especially a man should have hair that looks like they have stuck their fingers in an electrical socket. For further visual evidence, please go here.

With Labor Day weekend and the end of the summer season fast approaching, these guidos will be determined to drain every bar/club in the vicinity of water of all alcoholic beverages while wearing their best wifebeater t-shirts that show off their steroid enhanced bodies and white on white Nike Air Force One sneakers. They will crowd the parking lots of said establishments with their BMWs and Escalades. They will attempt to hit on every female within shouting distance, before humping them on the dance floor while dripping with sweat and smearing their self-tanning lotion. Please, I implore you to not look them directly in the eyes, lest one of their fake blue contact lenses pops out and takes YOUR eye out. If conversation is necessary, be sure that you brush up on your sarcasm beforehand. The best thing to do in this situation is to make a few jokes, get a few laughs at their expense and move it along.

If you would like to do further research so that you are better prepared this Labor Day weekend, please look at the following websites:

Good for a laugh at work

The Gold Standard of all Guidos

Sad, they start so young

P.S.: My thoughts and prayers go out to the state of New Jersey, especially the Jersey shore in this their time of need.


Just for a little fun, this is a picture of the one and only time in our lives that my brother and I have worn wifebeaters.


**Blogger was pissing me off with posting pictures, so I had to link to them instead. Sorry.

Seriously, who voted for this fool for president?

I Plead the 5th

After talking to my college roommate Claire today about certain memories from college that have been buried deep in the annals of our brains, I read this post which confirmed to me that I am not the only one not claiming my inappropriate behavior due to my selective memory.

All of the stories below are true, only identifying information have been slightly altered to protect the innocent or incriminate the guilty. None of these incidents occurred while on Spring Break. (I got into enough trouble during the academic year; I didn’t need a ticket to Cancun to give me permission to act out). The only people that know about these stories are those who were involved. I keep my dirt WAY undercover. That’s the best part of looking like a geek, nobody suspects a thing.

The Top Three Forgotten on Purpose Incidents

1. My 4 roommates and I were out to dinner celebrating a 21st birthday. We were seated next to a table with about 10 soldiers in fatigues. We started joking back and forth with them, and they started buying us drinks after they heard what we were celebrating. They left. Through our waitress, they sent us a note inviting us to the hotel where they were staying. Being slightly inebriated, and looking for some more free alcohol we went…and found out that they were part of a larger group of soldiers in the area for the Army/Navy football game. Yeah, putting 5 young girls in a room full of strange soldiers might not have been the safest idea, but we all had a really good time. After, we framed the note and hung it on our refrigerator, and everyone that came into our house and saw the note asked what happened that night. Between the 5 of us, none of us could recall a thing. Strange, huh?

2. During my semester abroad, Claire and I decided to go out dancing. I was wearing a new dress and shoes that I had just bought. No problem right? Wrong! I didn’t realize until the end of the night that my dress was completely see-through. This was after I was pulled up onto the speakers by the security guy and started shaking my ass like it was my job. (I thought it was because he was worried that I was going to get trampled by the crowd because I am so short) I thought that the crowd of guys in front of the speakers were cheering and clapping because of my awesome dance moves, until Claire finally noticed, pulled me aside and told me. In class a few days later, my professor (who was young and apparently at the club on the night my bits were on display) took me aside and mentioned my performance. I did the only thing I could do…I told him that I didn’t have any idea what he was talking about. By the way, yes, I was wearing underwear, and no, it didn’t really cover much. At least it happened when I was skinny.

3. While visiting a friend at her college, I met her boyfriend’s friend. We went out to the bars by her school, and spent some quality time together. After leaving the bar, we couldn’t find a cab, so we left my friend and her bf and “went for a walk” together. We wound up near a park and spent some time there. When we left, we noticed a really bad smell around us. Thinking nothing of it we continued on our way. When we got back to my friends dorm, we still hadn’t gotten rid of the smell. After looking all over to try and figure out what it was, we realized that the park we were in was not a park at all but land that was part of a horse stable. Yes, that’s correct, we were surrounded by horseshit. Ask me why I didn’t notice the smell before we got down to business. Go ahead ask me. I have no answer for that one. Not my finest hour. At least I didn’t get any on me. That was all on him. .

Well, those are the three stories (from college) that I miraculously remembered in order to post them here, with help from Claire. Can you believe that I graduated college with a 3.75 GPA? Yeah, me neither. Sociology wasn’t that hard of a major.


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PS: Congratulations to PMS (really her initials) on giving birth to twins: Evan Scott and Eric Stephen.

Deep Thoughts...

After spending way too much bonding time with the family while preparing for my brother’s wedding, I thought I would be able to re-claim my sanity by now. Alas, it is not to be. A few days after the wedding, my mother fell, and fractured her elbow. Seeing as she is currently out of commission; I have no job; and we still have guests staying at my parent’s house, I have been called in to act as hostess, chauffeur, and all around servant.

I have come up with the following conclusions in the past week.

1. I have severe road rage. I love driving, I really do. Usually I am pretty good about avoiding drivers that are in my way, but the past few days have found me driving behind Granny in her 1972 Buick Skylark who obviously cannot tell the difference between the gas and brake pedals, which literally drives me crazy.
2. If you want to meet and have random in-depth conversations with complete strangers, go to any doctor’s office in Great Neck before 10am. These offices are filled with old couples who will talk to anyone about anything. In the orthopedic surgeons office where my mother was getting her cast and sling, I met a couple who must have been in their late 70s, Edie and Stan, and had an entire conversation about soy milk, and was given some good recipes with it. I don't even drink soy milk.
3. If I didn’t have the presence of mind to think before I speak and count to ten, I would really get myself in trouble with some of the things that come into my mind.
4. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY need to get back to work. REALLY!

I know that this was a crappy post, but my brain is fried right now. I wish I had a better reason for why it is, but there you have it. Hopefully, I will be able to get my thoughts back together and post something that makes a bit more sense.

Slave to the Bowl

In mixed company, why is it ok for a guy to talk about random bodily functions, or a mother to talk about her, or her child’s physical and medical issues but when a single female does it, she is being nasty and inappropriate? That irritates me. So for all the single females who feel ashamed of talking about their bowel movements or gas issues look no further!

Disclaimer: If you have a weak constitution, avoid the rest of this post.

As there is no delicate way to say this, I will come right out and say that the reason that I have been out of work for the past several months is that I had chronic and persistent diarrhea. Apparently my colon became a hot-spot for some bacterial parasites I picked up while on a Caribbean vacation. Trust me, after 6+ months of peeing out of your ass, all the ladylike embarrassment made over a bowel movement is gone; not to mention the fact that I was basically confined to my house for a long time, never being able to venture too far from the toilet. The worst part of the whole thing was that I had to tell everyone; from my primary doctor, gynecologist, pharmacist, family, friends, co-workers and bosses what was going on. (An aside: Before a colonoscopy, you need to flush out all of the waste that is in your colon. When someone has chronic diarrhea, they still make you drink that nasty stuff. Why? Good question. Even the doctors at Cornell/NYPH couldn’t answer me. If you know why, please email me and let me know.)

Before my sojourn into gastrointestinal hell, I was never ashamed of talking about my bowel movements or gas issues. Talking was no problem, actually doing was an issue. I wouldn’t use a public bathroom to leave a deposit in, and when I went away on vacations and conferences, it took me a few days before I was comfortable enough to use the facilities. It took me almost 3 months to be able to use my dorm bathroom, and I lived in a suite with 3 other girls and had a PRIVATE bathroom. The issues that I had with not using a bathroom until I get comfortable or that I don’t want anyone to know what I am doing hardly affect me anymore; crapping your pants when you are 29 years old because you have not gotten to the bathroom fast enough is a just a teensy bit more embarrassing.

Bizarrely, with all of my shitting issues, I have never had an issue with passing gas. In college, my roommate or I used to “inaugurate” new places, especially if we were drunk. Silent ones only… I mean I do have some sense of decorum. I also believe in claiming your work, not to say that a big announcement with a parade is needed, but a small “that was me” gets the job done. My ex-boyfriend hated when I needed to pass gas, he used to say it was gross, although he used to fart around me all the time. He never claimed them though, but come on, how stupid could I be, especially if it was just the two of us.

Fortunately, my war against intestinal parasites has come to an end. Please accept this post in the vein that it was written; tounge in cheek, and with a lot of truth. When your friends buy you a package of Depends as a joke, you tend not to take shit seriously. (Pun Intended)

King of My Castle

The following is a short play that I wrote based on a true story. For hours of wholesome fun, get together with friends and family and act it out.

Characters:
Sloane
Telemarketer A

Scene: Early evening, around 6pm on a random weekday. Sloane is cooking dinner. The telephone rings.

Sloane: Hello

Telemarketer A (TMA): May I speak to Sloane Peterson please?

Sloane: Speaking.

TMA: We would like to offer... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Sloane: No thanks, I am not interested.

TMA: Is there a Mr. Peterson or Head of Household I can speak with?

Sloane: No there isn't a Mr. Peterson, and you've just spoke with the head of household. Why would you think that speaking to another member of this household would get you a different response; considering that you asked to speak with me first because the telephone is registered under my name?

TMA: We'll try back another time.

Sloane: I don't think my answer would be different no matter when you try me back; please remove my name from your database.

TMA: We'll try back another time. (Hangs up)

End scene

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While I rarely give out my home telephone number to anyone anymore, I am always paranoid when that phone rings always thinking it is someone calling with bad news, which makes it ironic that more often than not, it is a telemarketer on the other side. I really don't mind the calls, they give me a chance to vent anger to a stranger with little to no repercussion.

I get about ten telemarketing calls a week. I have joined the Do Not Call Registry, and always ask to be removed from databases so I suppose it could be worse. Besides, my dad and I have a competition on who can make up the most outlandish stories tell the telemarketers or engage them in a conversation having nothing to do with their actual reason for calling. He usually wins; he is very creative. The last call he received from a chimney cleaning company, he told them that his house did not have a chimney because he removed it when his kids were young. The telemarketer asked him why (taking him seriously), and he said it was because when his kids were bad, to punish them he took the chimney away so Santa Claus couldn't leave gifts at Christmas. True story. Now do you see where I get it from?

Does This Look Like The Face of a Criminal?

Apparently, the NYPD thinks so. I was stopped twice yesterday by the police while going about my non-criminal business.

The first time I was stopped was at a checkpoint near Kennedy Airport. I was there to pick up some family when I was stopped and questioned if I was carrying any chemicals into the airport or had knowledge of anyone carrying chemicals. Obviously, since I always carry extra plutonium so when my Delorean hits 88 miles per hour so I can break the space/time continuum and go back in time like Marty McFly, I had to let the officers know.

The second time I was stopped was for speeding and running a red light. The officer that pulled me over asked me if I knew why he stopped me. Of course I knew why, but I played it dumb, and mentioned that I knew an officer from the same precinct , and was let go with a warning. It was too bad that I forgot to be all flirty, the officer was cute. Oh well, at least I got out of a ticket.

Hopefully, I am able to stay under the radar gun for the next three days, I can't show up to my brother's wedding in handcuffs, although they would look fabulous with my bridesmaid's dress!


P.S.: That's me at 5 years old.

Silence is Golden…So SHUT UP Already!

There are some days where I crave silence. No talking, no listening... just me alone with my thoughts. Usually when I have decisions to make, I close myself off from everyone and don't speak. I know, I sound like a freak, but it is one of my secret single behaviors. Yesterday and today have been those types of days; however with the wedding of the year at the end of the week, my days of silence are not to be. It seems that nobody in my circle of trust appreciates silence as much as I do.

Yesterday, I was offered a director's position at a small upstart social service agency in Brooklyn. The salary is a bit lower than what I was expecting, but the agency has less than 50 clients, so their budget reflects that. I would be developing an educational curriculum for incorporation into their treatment plans. While the job sounds interesting, and I would be given a lot of autonomy to do it, there is something about the job that just doesn’t feel right. I have a meeting tomorrow with the President and CEO to talk about what my decision is.

In trying to organize my thoughts to making this decision, I have been inundated with calls from friends and family, asking if I’m ready for the “big day”, taking care of visitors from out-of-state, and listening to everyone’s opinion on my job situation. I haven’t had a moment to formulate my own thoughts on the position and how I would benefit by accepting the job.

The more I try to withdraw and begin thinking about making a decision, the more people find me to talk to me about nonsense. Short of being blatantly rude, which I have been to a degree, and telling people to shut the fuck up; I have tried to convey the importance of silence for me at this time. Nobody gets it. They are in party mode after all…and how do you party in silence?


ADDENDUM: This is my horoscope for today. I think it says it all.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Sometimes you can choose to take the easy way out of a difficult situation, but this isn't the case now. Your current drive to do what's right makes your life more complicated than you prefer, but you won't have much of a choice. You must do what matches your deepest convictions if you're to hold favor with those people who are most important to you.