Best Laid Plans...

Yesterday under the guise of a medical appointment, I took the day off. Penny and I went to go see Aunt Wendy, and I had a whole day of pampering planned after.

I was right on schedule; got home at about 11:45, hair appointment was for 12:30. Decided to take a little nap.

Everything went downhill from there. I didn't wake up until 7:30PM!!! I missed my hair appointment, my mani-pedi and my facial and massage. So now, I still look like hell, with unpolished nails and feet. I was so pissed, but I guess that it was my body's way of slowing me down and catching up on the sleep that I have been missing.

I also can't help but think that if I wasn't so anal about being on time for my appointment, and would have gone to lunch with Penny after the show, that I would have had a slamming hairstyle and hot looking fingers and toes. Foiled again. That's what I get for wanting to be cheap and get the Monday- Thursday mani-pedi special for $15 dollars.

C Word- F That

First of all: got the results of the biopsy. All clear here. No cancer cells found, just a large concentration of cells in the small area underneath the thyroid. Sweet! I still have to monitor it, including getting monthly blood work, but no cancer! And because I am a little bitch, I started crying at work. I will not announce this at work yet, I still want Sidekick to stay off my back.

Dirty already has a few interviews lined up for next week. He reached out to a bunch of his contacts and they all hooked him up. He's happy, and so am I. I need a Wii or a Flat Screen TV for my birthday. Today he went fishing with my Dad. Totally random, but whatevs. They are both off my back for the day.

This weekend, my sister and I are house sitting for my cousin. What? Did you say pool party? I did. Did you also say it will only be me and my sister? I did too. I just want a relaxing weekend by myself. (My sister doesn't count).

And finally, I will be updating my blog roll this weekend come hell or high water. It's about time.

Adding Insult to Injury

For the past few weeks, it seems that some invisible force is out to get me. Paranoid, I know. However with all of the crap going on in my life, last night I was dealt another serious blow.

Dirty lost his job.

As I've mentioned, he is an architect, and was making pretty nice cash. The firm was a high profile firm working in the hospitality industry; you know, hotels, theme parks, etc. Anyway thanks to the crap economy, most of the projects he was working on were put on hold. So his firm had to let go almost the entire staff. From a 33 person office, only 5 are left. Since Dirty recently moved to this firm, obviously, they let him go. He got a pretty good severance package, but he's bummed.

So am I. Can I tell you the first thing that went through my mind? That I wasn't going to be getting a ring anytime soon. Yep. Nice and selfish.

I know that he is talented and will find another job soon, but right now I am trying very hard to be supportive. He is making it difficult for me though. I know he is stressed out, but he has this nasty attitude that is coming through with every suggestion that I make to him. He is freaking out that he has no money coming in, and how he is going to pay his rent. He has been out of work one day, and he is being so dramatic. We were on the phone late last night planning out some stuff and I made a comment like "oh, I'm tired. I need to go to sleep, so I won't be tired tomorrow", and he was like, "I have no idea what that's like". Dude, you haven't even been unemployed one day. Build a bridge and get over it.

Ok, you guys can comment on what a bitch I am. Bring it. :)

Wednesday Weirdness and Stuff

I never realized that people in NYC could be so nosy, but I have been stopped 6 times within that last 2 days asking about the bandage on my neck. Before you get crazy, it is not a huge gauze wrapped wound. It is a small flesh colored band-aid that is placed in the center of my neck. I didn't realize that it would be so noticeable, especially since I have been wearing shirts that cover it, but I guess it is. Someone actually asked me if it was a nicotine patch! Random.

The procedure itself didn't hurt exactly, the anesthesia killed me though. I am always sleepy a day or two after taking anesthesia. The suckiest part? I am on a mushy food diet for the next few days. Gross. The other bad part? No alcohol. I know, kill me now. I went out for drinks and dinner last night, and I couldn't eat anything. Torture. I was drinking club soda with lime, to fake like I was drinking a gin and tonic so people at other tables didn't think I was such a dud. But they probably could tell anyway. :(

Anyway, here's my answers to Wednesday Weirdness

1. Would you rather be 3 inches taller, or 3 inches shorter than you already are?

Do I have to answer this? I think we all know it would be taller, and I would try to borrow inches from someone else as well. If I grew 3 inches, I would still only be 5'3", so I'll take at least 6. Wrapped in a bow. Thanks.

2. What are 3 words that could never be used to describe you?

This is a tough question. I can be described as everything in different areas of my life. Greedy- yes; sweet-yes; annoying-yes; pretty-yes; conceited-yes; considerate-yes. I could go for days, and you get the point.

3. Have you ever eaten something at the grocery store while you were shopping, prior to buying it? Did you pay for it when you got to the check out line?

No, I can usually hold off until I get into the car and then I break into something.

4. If you could have any 3 materialistic things in this world without paying a single cent for any of them, what would they be and why?

1. A really nice house with all the amenities that I could want; pool, hot tub, outdoor kitchen. Like the shit I see in Dirty's architecture magazines.

2. A cleaning lady that won't judge me and just shut her mouth and clean!

3. Hot transportation- private jet, boat, cars, etc. See how I got more out of my three. I'm so strategic like that!

5. Have you ever fallen asleep or nodded off during sex before?

Yes, sometimes I nod off during foreplay, not during the actual act. I did have a boyfriend that would fall asleep all the time during, especially if he was drunk. Yes, it was in college and yes, that is why he is an ex.

6. What are 3 jobs you’d leave your current job for? If you don't have a current job, just list 3 jobs you would like to have.

1. Restaurant critic- I've always wanted to do this. I would be totally dramatic about it too. Two ice cubes please. Oh No? I WILL BREAK YOU!!

2. Travel Critic or Hotel Tester- Trip Advisor? What?

3. Anywhere Sidekick is not. :)

7. Do you or have you ever answered the phone during sex?

No, but it is very distracting. I have answered the phone at other times when getting frisky. ;)

Can't Eat, Can't Sleep

I know I talk all the time on here about my IBS, and the fact that any and everything that I eat can force me onto the throne for days at a time, but I don't think I have ever mentioned the other health issue that I have.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism. I was a pretty classic case, with the heart palpitations, and tremors. The one exception to this was that instead of losing tons of weight, I gained. Apparently, since my body was doing all of this overwork, I was eating to compensate. It happens to something like 1 in 1000. Of course I would be the exception. The thyroid lobe on the left side was enlarged to almost 10 centimeters, which is totally abnormal. A normal thyroid is about 2-3 centimeters in diameter.

After my doctor found the abnormal size and that the T-3 and T-4 hormones were overproducing from a blood test, I took 2 radioactive iodine treatments. Let me tell you, no picnic. You you have to sign for the pill that comes in a metal canister and are given it by someone wearing a haz-mat suit. You are sequestered for 3 days so that the radiation does not infect other people. By the way, it makes your urine is a bright orange color, just in case you wanted to know. Since that treatment about 4 years ago, everything has been fine.

Until now. Tomorrow, (actually today), I have to get a biopsy done on my left lobe thyroid. When I got my last check-up my T-3 and T-4 levels came back a bit askew, and when the doctor did a sonogram, she noticed a new growth on the left lobe. She thinks it may be cancerous. Normally, I don't freak out about these things, however when this doctor is concerned about something like this, I do. So, I haven't eaten or had a good nights sleep for the past 3 days. My bowels however have been on a rampage.

Looking at the big picture, I am not really worried, but a part of me in the back of my head is already making out my will and planning what I want my family to dress me in in my casket. Morbid enough for you?

Everything happens for a reason right? I can't help but think that this is the reason why the other company rescinded their offer.

Never Been Arrested for Nothing Domestic

Last night I went to the wake of a dear friend who died so suddenly, she didn't even get the chance to tell everyone she was sick.

What struck me was that the minute that I walked into the funeral home, there was music playing. I am not talking about the standard, soothing elevator music, but honest-to-goodness bumping jams. Now, my friend was famous for her mix tapes, that she would give out as gifts, and let me tell you, they always came at the right time. I can't think of the times that me or one of my girls was stressed out, there was a RV mixtape as the answer. We used to stay out all night dancing at different Latin clubs in the city (That was a long time ago, I'm much nerdier now), and when I started dating Dirty, she was so excited that she could share her love of salsa and merengue music with someone.

As it happens, people grow up and grow apart. She moved to Miami with her husband, and had a gorgeous baby. She recently came back to NYC, presumable when she got sick, and I saw her once when she just got back, but we had lost contact in the last few months, apparently, she did not want anyone to see her sick. When I bought my apartment, she sent me a CD that she wanted me to play at my housewarming party. I never wound up having the party, but I listen to those songs everyday on my IPod.

So in honor of my friend Rachel, here are some of the songs I think you should download and listen to this summer. This is the Hip-Hop list. Try them, have I steered you wrong yet? P.S.: If you are offended by cursing, what are you doing here? :)

Am I Dreaming- Kat DeLuna
Take A Bow- Rihanna
Sunshine- Jay-Z featuring Foxy Brown
Last Night- P. Diddy featuring Keyshia Cole- (Hi Penny)
911- Wyclef and Mary J. Blige
Renee- Lost Boyz
Two Wrongs- Wyclef and Claudette Ortiz
Heartbreaker- Mariah Carey featuring Jay-Z
Uh Oh- Lumidee with Busta Rhymes and Fabolous
Song Cry- Jay-Z with the Roots- MTV Unplugged
U Make Me Wanna- Jadakiss
Low Remix- Flo Rida featuring Pitbull and T-Pain
I Won't Tell- Fat Joe
With You- Chris Brown
Lately- KC and JoJo-MTV Unplugged
Welcome to New York City- Cam'ron featuring Jay-Z
Off The Books- Beatnuts
Get Money- Junior Mafia
Make Me Better- Fabolous featuring Ne-Yo
Dilemma- Nelly with Kelly Rowland

Ghostface Killah Corner

Back Like That- Ghostface Killah featuring Ne-Yo
You Know I'm No Good- Ghostface Killah and Amy Winehouse
All That I Got is You- Ghostface Killah
Cherchez la Ghost- Ghostface Killah

These are the songs I listen to before I go meet with Sidekick. They get me hyped.

Hate Me Now-Nas featuring Puff Daddy
Moment of Clarity- Jay-Z
Party Up- DMX
Damn, It Feels Good to Be A Gangsta- Geto Boyz
Bring the Pain- Method Man

Especially for Rachel:

Feels So Good- Mase featuring Puff Daddy
You're All I Need To Get By- Method Man and Mary J. Blige
One More Chance- Notorious B.I.G.
If I Ruled the World- Nas
I'm A Thug- Trick Daddy

***************************************************

Damn I love my East Coast rap don't I? Let me know what you think of the songs.

Rachel
1974-2008

Insert Clever Title Here

At some point this weekend I will be updating my blogroll on the sidebar. I will be adding everyone that I read. If you prefer NOT to be listed, let me know in the comments or by sending me an email at sloanesdayoff@gmail.com .

BTW, I would do this at work, but got assigned a crazy project that originally was my idea, that apparently the VP caught onto and now wants to implement. Color me surprised that Sidekick didn't take the credit.

Pineapple Mojitos Make This Girl Feel Better

First, I want to thank everyone for their support. Your comments and outrage on my behalf made me feel so much better than I did on Friday afternoon.

I had a long talk with the parents and with Dirty, and decided that this happened for a reason and I just need to be patient and secure in knowing that something will happen for me. Secondly, as much as I hate Sidekick, I don't think that she had anything to do with it. Don't think it didn't cross my mind, but I think she is just a mean, evil person and right now I pity her more than anything else. She is unhappy in her life and does not know how to overcome it. Besides, I found out some scandalous gossip about her that turned my frown upside down. (Thanks Penny). I'll share it one day.

For this weekend, I just wanted to stay home and chill out. I was drained, from the whole job thing and from a fight that I had with Dirty for the 14397645 time about getting engaged. I don't know how to leave well enough alone. In my defense, my younger cousin just got engaged, and I was PMSing. Enough said. I will say that Dirty really is a patient dude to put up with my crap.

He made me pineapple mojitos all day Saturday. Please do yourself a favor and make these, they are sooooo gooood. I posted the recipe below for all of you. Your Welcome.

I started drinking at about 11am. It was too hot to move, so I lounged in bed with the AC, while he brought me snacks and drinks. I played Burnout for 5 hours straight. He made me some steak and mashed potatoes for dinner and we bought the Affliction PPV and taped the UFC one. I fell asleep halfway through, but whatevs, I had a great day.

Sunday, much of the same, although instead of video games and MMA, I watched a marathon of Bridezillas and Platinum Weddings on We. With Dirty. Who was more into it than I was. Scary. Towards the evening, my stomach was getting queasy at the thought of talking to Sidekick about my decision. Got a frantic call from Penny while watching the Deadliest Catch marathon. Talked her down, went to sleep, only to be woken up by Dirty sawing wood. Man he snores so loud. Punched him in the arm and he turned over. Fell asleep again. Weekend Over.

Spoke to Sidekick this morning, it's all good. She kissed my ass a little and told me she was happy that I am not leaving. We'll see.

******************************************

Pineapple Mojito recipe- this will make about 5 drinks.

1 can crushed pineapple in pineapple juice. I like Dole.
20 or so mint leaves. From my Aerogarden.
3 Limes
Sugar
Rum- Please use a good aged rum, I like Flor de Cana or Ron Viejo de Caldas. You could use another one, but it won't taste as good. Believe me I've tried. Most of them.

Take a few chunks of the pineapple and some juice into a cocktail shaker. Add 5 mint leaves or more to taste, some sugar, depending on how sweet you want it and ice. Shake the hell out of it to break up the pineapple and mint leaves and dissolve the sugar. Add the juice of 1/4 lime and a few ounces of rum with some pineapple juice. Shake again and strain into a glass with ice. Mmmm, mmmmm, good.

If you don't like this recipe, Google another one. You will not be disappointed.

Worst News Ever

Remember how I was so excited about my new job, and resigned?

Yeah.

Well, the agency that I was moving to rescinded their offer. Today. The day after I got my hire packet in the mail.

I have no words. :(

Better Late Than Never

So here are my 99 things. Before I started writing it, I didn't think I was going to come up with 99 things, but here they are.

99 THINGS

1. My real name isn't Sloane.
2. I wish it was.
3. I got the name from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, one of my favorite movies.
4. My real name is very ethnic.
5. I have super fair skin and dark hair.
6. The kicker? Tons of freckles.
7. I don't tan in the sun, I freckle.
8. Although I love them, I wish I was able to get a kick ass tan.
9. I've lived in NYC my entire life.
10. I bought an apartment in January 2007.
11. I moved in in June.
12. I think it was a big mistake.
13. My whole family (extended) thinks that Dirty and I live together.
14. We don't.
15. I got the apartment before I got the boyfriend.
16. I live underneath a bunch of crackheads.
17. I hate it.
18. I want to sell my apartment and buy a house with Dirty.
19. One of the main reasons why is so I don't have to deal with people living above me.
20. Oh, and because I love him.
21. And I want to marry him.
22. I am scared that he will never ask me.
23. I know that if that happens, I should walk away.
24. That will be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do.
25. I'm afraid I'm not that strong.
26. Sometimes I think my life is too good.
27. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
28. Sometimes I wish I was more religious.
29. I admire people who have blind faith in a higher power.
30. I don't have that much trust.
31. It makes me sad.
32. I am doing this list at work.
33. I have no work to do today.
34. I am spending my time online.
35. I've checked out of this job a long time ago.
36. I just go through the motions everyday.
37. I don't think anyone can tell.
38. If they can, they have never said.
39. I wouldn't care anyway.
40. I am a little nervous about my new job.
41. I know that once I get there, I'll fit right in.
42. It sounds funny, but I relate better to a bunch of thugs than with "professional" people.
43. I look really young for my age.
44. I will be 32 in September.
45. It used to be a barrier.
46. I always tell my real age.
47. No one believes me anyway.
48. It will come in handy as I reach old age.
49. I rarely get dressed up, only for special occasions.
50. My general work "uniform" is pants and a button down shirt.
51. My weekend wear is jeans and t-shirts.
52. When I do get dressed up, I look completely different.
53. Everyone wonders why I don't do it more often.
54. I wonder if I do look that bad?
55. I love to sleep.
56. I don't get a lot of it during the week.
57. I can't seem to catch up on it during the weekends lately.
58. I love to cook.
59. I always wanted to be a professional chef.
60. But I don't think that I could handle the criticism.
61. I rarely cook anymore.
62. It is not so fun to cook for one person.
63. Dirty usually cooks for me when we are together.
64. Sometimes I feel guilty about it.
65. My mother thinks I treat him badly.
66. I just think he is well trained. :)
67. He cleans my house for me. All. The. Time.
68. He takes care of me when I am sick.
69. Which I seem to be all the time lately.
70. I have IBS.
71. Which means I am literally full of shit.
72. My family teases me about that all the time.
73. It is really funny.
74. I don't follow the diet I am supposed to.
75. If I did, I would be extremely thin.
76. I just can't give up certain foods.
77. I've tried.
78. My trainer has helped me lose almost 15 pounds.
79. I can't tell.
80. Neither can my friends or family.
81. I think the scale may be wrong.
82. I feel like I am destined to be the fat girl.
83. I don't want to be.
84. I wear glasses.
85. Currently I have 4 different pairs that I rotate.
86. I have a hard time wearing contact lenses.
87. My eyes are extremely dry.
88. I only wear them to go out.
89. I got my first pair when I was 10.
90. They were really ugly.
91. I feel like I can hide behind my frames.
92. They are a barrier between me and the world.
93. I helped most of my friends pick out their frames.
94. They are usually something that they would never select for themselves.
95. It is a gift. I am the Eyeglass Whisperer.
96. I should have been an optometrist.
97. It would have saved me A LOT of money.
98. Here I am at the end.
99. 17 work days to go!

Whew. Yes it is 17 work days, the counter includes the weekends. I don't!

Blast from the Past

I was reading this post by Stella and it really got me thinking a lot about the kids I may have someday.

I am the middle child. That should say it all. But really, it just scratches the surface. I have an older brother, with whom my parents thought the sun shone out of his ass, and a younger sister, that did and continues to get away with murder.

So back to poor Sloane the middle child. I was very awkward growing up, much smarter than the kids around me, and more mature. My parents (who really are great, despite the complaining in this post), really didn't know how to raise "Americans". They both were born in Italy, my mom coming here when she was 12, and my dad coming here when he was 25. They were and still are a bit old-fashioned and really very strict.

We always had enough. That's it. Enough. There were no extras. According to my parents, they were unnecessary. No dancing school lessons, no sleepovers, rarely a play-date with someone who lived off of my block. And I wanted those things, badly. I wanted cool LEATHER Keds sneakers, with the scrunchie socks. I wanted to wear a spangly costume and take corny pictures in a showgirl pose. I wanted to have a sleepover birthday party. I wanted to have a perm and crispy bangs like every other girl I knew. (what? I grew up in the 80's.) I look back now, and thank my parents, because they knew I would look even more hurt than I already did, what with the telescopic glasses and train-track braces.

That being said, it really wasn't until I went to high school and got a job at the Gap that I was finally able to wear cool clothes and get some kind of style. I realized that glasses can be stylish (yay!), and developed a fetish for them. I began becoming more confident with my intelligence and instead of sitting back and letting other people lead me, I became a leader.

I have always said that I want to instill in my daughter the same confidence that I missed out in my earlier years. I think that boys have it easy, little girls can be bitches. I see my niece, who is all of 7 months old, and want her to have that confidence starting very young. I have already started to amass a wardrobe for her, although my bro and sil are very aware of what she wears. She has 10 pairs of earrings already and I am going broke buying her hair bows and other accessories.

Seriously, it may not seem like a big thing, and something so insignificant, but when you are shunned because you are wearing Velcro sneakers from Fayva (all my NYC'ers know what I'm talking about), and not the latest LA Gears. It hurts. Deep.

Then when you are about to turn 32 you write a blog post about it. Who needs therapy now?

Bombs Away!

Dropped the bomb today at 9:45am. I decided to do it early in the morning so that I could ruin Sidekick's day. I am pleased to say that I succeeded in my quest. Just to show you all how delusional she is the following is a loose transcript of our conversation, my comments are in parentheses.

****************************************

Me: Sidekick, I need to speak to you for a few minutes.

Sidekick: Ok, I'm listening. (All the while looking at her computer screen)

Me: I am handing in my resignation effective August 8th. (Holding letter)

SK: What????!!! (Whips head away from computer screen)

Me: This is my resignation letter, effective August 8th. (still holding letter)

SK: How could you do this now? This is a bad time.

Me: Isn't it always a bad time when an employee decides to resign? (still holding letter)

SK: Wow, I didn't know you weren't happy here. I thought we got along great and you are a real asset to the team here. What other position could you have possibly gotten that competes with this one?

Me: I was offered a Clinical Director Position. (you guessed it, holding letter)

SK: Do you think you can handle that? That is a really tough position. You know that you are going to have to be a strong supervisor, and work really hard at following up about everything. I know you struggle with following up and completing assignments in a timely fashion.

Me: Well, my new supervisor has confidence in my abilities, so I'll let her worry about that now. (8x11 paper is really starting to get heavy). So here is my official resignation letter effective August 8th.

SK: So I guess I should wish you good luck then? Where are we going to find another CRC in such a short amount of time?

Me: Maybe Tall_Trees_ is still available. (considering she wanted to come back after she left)

SK: Wow, I can't believe it, I'll take your resignation letter now.

**************************************

And scene. The whole thing took about 15 minutes, and I didn't get her usual raging, but she didn't disappoint. She was a little mellow today, but that didn't stop the petty comments coming through. Now if only I can live out the month. I know it hasn't sunk in yet with her and when it does, I will be in for it, big time.

20 days left.

****Edited to add: I just realized that my last day of work will be on 08/08/08. Pretty cool.****

Dear Sidekick,

Eat Me.

Hugs and Kisses,

Sloane

*********************************************

So do you guys think that that would be an appropriate resignation letter?

Unfortunately, if you only come here to read about my work drama, that is going to change. That's right. I have officially been offered another position with another agency a ton more money and I have taken it. I'm trying to come up with the most perfect resignation letter for Sidekick, so that she knows how much I hated her as my supervisor. I will be taking any suggestions. Oh, and I will totally be doing this in person, as I can't wait to see her face when I tell her.

Anyway, about my new job. I will be the clinical director for a substance abuse program. Back to the hood dealing with with all of my peoples again. I need to brush up on my slang. I will be supervising a team of 10 people, and hopefully I can be a good supervisor to them, NOT how Sidekick was to me and Penny.

I am still negotiating a start date, hopefully sometime mid August, and give myself a nice little vacay in between. For right now, I'm just trying to get through the rest of my time here and then I will be FREE!!!!

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and wow, it feels great.

Good News Coming Soon

Stay tuned.... I have some awesome news to share, but want to be 100% sure before I open my big, fat mouth. Pray that everything goes my way!

Happy 4th

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July. I did.

I spent the entire day moving from bed to couch and back again. So nice just to stay in pajamas and relax. Didn't leave the house for anything. I am such a sloth. Love it.

A 40 is Looking Really Good Right Now

I should have taken a page from this guy I saw on the train this morning and popped a few cold ones if I would have known what I was walking into today.

Sidekick is on a rampage.

Most of you know my severe dislike for my boss. Basically, she is a hater. Today she is in rare form, starting with a rebuking email from a mistake the SHE made, but of course had to blame someone else for. Whatevs. I am so used to her tirades that it doesn't phase me anymore, but I feel bad for my new Office Mate. I don't think I mentioned her before. She and I get alone very well because unlike Tall Trees, she actually, you know, works. OM is not really used to SK's tirades, so I had to school her. Poor thing was actually thinking that she did something wrong. No worries. One of the things that I like about her is that she gets hip to the game pretty quick.

Back to SK. In our staff meeting today, with 4 other people, she was making snide little comments about me asking for an increase. I think I posted about this before, but I am lazy to find it. I didn't get the raise because the "budget is frozen right now." Um, yeah. So she continued to make comments about how my work is suffering because I'm spoiled and didn't get my increase. So she took it there. So I said, well, apparently since around here the less you do the more you get paid I should be right on schedule. That shut her fat fucking face really fast.

We are meeting in an individual supervision to discuss my excessive absences. Why have I been excessively absent you ask? Because my office is currently at 55 degrees. I have about 60 emails (no exaggeration) that I have sent throughout the winter to her stating that the office was freezing and she never followed up about it. It finally turns out that when the entire staff called in sick one day (hmm, weird, right?), she followed-up and found that the thermostat in our area was broken, so the computer was registering 73 degrees when it was actually in the 50's. Get this, there is no way to fix it short of rewiring the entire floor. Is my cheap ass company going to pay for that? No way. They got us space heaters. In. the. summer. I know that when people see me commuting to work in my heavy pants and shirts, I look crazy, but it is because my body has not regulated a temperature since last January.

Can't wait to see what the rest of the day with her brings me. It is only 1:30pm after all. I have a lifetime to go.

So, a 40 would feel really good right now. At the very least, it will warm me up a little.

Mr. Potato Head

To condense a super long story into a manageable blog post, I have left out many minute details of this story.

To start where I last left off, my friend T was in Puerto Rico with B, (who I have un-affectionately named Potato Head for his uncanny likeness to the children's toy), where she sent me a text message stating that this relationship will not work out. Can't say I didn't warn her. But I digress.

It seems that while in Puerto Rico, T found out that Potato Head is a pathological liar. He lied about pretty much everything; from stupid lies that he doesn't smoke, to more serious lies about his financial situation. She found out there that he filed for bankruptcy TWICE! He is only 32.

Since she has been back, she has continued to see him, even though she found out all about his dishonesty. She still feels that she is going to marry him. I've called her out on his behavior and she told me that I know too much about him and that she cannot keep up the facade to me, and would I not say anything to anyone about what she discovered on vacation. She can't take the heat. I told her that I will not support her during this time with him, but when she finally breaks it off, I will be there for her 100%. She needs some tough love.

So we haven't spoken for a few weeks. She called me on Friday saying that she hadn't gotten her period yet, and that she wanted me to go with her to buy a pregnancy test. It killed me, but I declined. I told her to call Potato Head and have him help her. She told me that she tried to call him, but he was avoiding her calls for some reason. Hmm, I wonder why? Is because he is a total lying liar who lies? Yes, that and a douchebag to boot.

Anyway, I still didn't go with her, even though I was freaking out for her. She called me a few hours later and told me that the tests were negative. The next day she sent me a text message saying that she got her period. Thank God!

Note to Potato Head: You are not that good looking to be pulling this mess, and at 32 years old you should also be ashamed of yourself.

P.S.: In the text message, T told me that she was waiting for him to come over to bring food, and "take care of her". Jigga what? The same dud (yes, it is a typo, but fits perfectly), that refused to take your calls when you were freaking out about maybe, possibly being PREGS is coming to take care of you??!?!?!?!? WTF???

And this people is why I scheduled a therapy appointment for MYSELF tonight.

Wednesday Weirdness

1. Have you ever rode in a stolen car? What would you do if, in the middle of going somewhere, found out that the driver had stolen the car you were riding in?

Um, not that I know of. But if I found out, I would probably stay. I'm so lazy, my ass ain't walking anywhere unnecessarily.

2. What is the most amount of money you've spent in a sex shop or porn store at one time? If you've never been to a porn store or sex shop, why?

In a store about $50. I usually buy off the internet. Again, because I'm lazy.

3. What is the most annoying thing about one of your closest friends?

She talks constantly about herself, leaving no room for anyone to get a word in edgewise. When I bring it to her attention she gets pissy and doesn't speak to me for a while. At least then my ears get some rest.

4. Have you ever taken someone's prescription medication with or without them knowing and used it for recreational purposes?

No, although when I had surgery in 2004, I took vicodin a little longer than I should have.

5. What is at least one thing you are you insecure about?

How long do you have? I would definitely say my weight, I have heavy upper arms and fat thighs. Me and my booty are starting to become friends thanks to Dirty.

6. What are some things that you prefer to do alone?

Shower, read, bathroom business, cooking, and taking care of my feminine business like mani/pedi/hair/wax.

7. How would you react if you found out the anonymous babe who writes all your favorite sexy posts on her blog is really your mother?

I know that she had sex 3 times. That is all I care to know. Brain bleach comes to mind.

Ruh-Roh

Um, I think that Sloane went a little over board on the tomato/mozzarella salad last night, since my whole evening was filled with me having some intestinal distress. So another day off for me today, except this one will be spent on my throne. Awesome. NOT!

How Did You Get Here?

I wanted to take a page from Stella and ask how everyone found me and started to read about my awesome life and other such nonsense that I post from time to time.

And since everyone needs a pat on the back now and again, here's yours (don't get to used to this):

I really appreciate everyone's feedback to this blog and the support that I feel whenever I post something is really important to me. Thank you for not judging me for the things that I post and sending me virtual kicks in the ass when I need them. You have helped me more than you know.

<3 (Yes, I did type a heart there. Yes, I did it on purpose.)

Message to Kristina

Don't give up like this. Private thoughts are just that. Private. Don't let your S-I-L get the upper hand in this. What you wrote were feelings that are valid and were how you felt at the moments that you wrote them.

Everyone goes through anger, pain and a million other emotions at one time in their lives and expressing those emotions through a diary is an appropriate way of helping you work through things so that you can look at a situation clearly and ultimately get the closure you need.

I hope that you can work through this and know that we are all around to support you whenever you are ready to accept it.

I Want an Ice Tray, Not a Whole Bag

Another addition to the Dirty saga. I promise that this blog won't turn into the Dirty page, but I need to share this with you all.

Since my last post, I have distanced myself a bit from Dirty and our day-to day struggles. This has made him become more attentive and super aware. Honestly, that was not my intention, but a totally unexpected bonus!

On Sunday, I did a 3 mile walk for a family friend who has Spinal Muscular Atrophy to raise money for an elevator installed in her home. It was a really great day, and we raised almost 85 thousand dollars for her. Tyrone is paying off. I did the walk in 45 minutes, which is a great time for me.

Anyway, back to my Dirty story. I get home and I hear talking in my apartment. I walk in, and find Dirty in the kitchen cooking. I was surprised to see him there to say the least. He told me that he wanted to surprise me with dinner. I went to take a shower and noticed that the bed in my bedroom was made, and that the clothes that were strewn all over the room were gone. Shrugged and went about my bidness. Went into the bathroom and saw that it was immaculate. Down to BLUE toilet water that was definitely not there before. I asked Dirty about it and he told me he cleaned up a little. So I was shocked.

After my shower I to get my blog fix and read PostSecret. I turn on the monitor and what is staring me in the face? THIS:

Now, I start freaking out. Dirty was calling my name, and I minimized the picture and picked up a magazine really fast. He hustled me out of the room with some crap excuse, and stayed behind to shut down the computer. Fool, doesn't he know about the cookies I have saved on the computer? Anyway, of course after he left, I went directly back to the website and examined it more closely. Don't get me wrong, it is a gorgeous ring, but a bit much don't you think? Here is another picture:



Opinions? The logical part of me is to tell him not to spend so much on a ring, so that we can have money to spend on a house, other part is telling me to stop jumping to conclusions. By the way, there was a contact name and information on the sticky pad in front of the computer. Help!

Six Pair of Kicks is MY Definition of Twelve Steps

For the past few weeks, Dirty and I have been having a rough time with each other. I guess we are having our one year massive blow out fight. I feel a little better about where we are at now, but know that we still need to work on ourselves separately and together.

I want to be happy in all aspects of my life, especially in my relationships. I know that I am a work in progress and need to maintain my self-esteem and self- worth during hard times. I have made the decision that I need to take time for myself, and kind of put my relationship second. We are not breaking up; I love Dirty a lot, but I have decided that I love myself more. Focusing solely on the relationship and where it is going has made me get a little crazy and overly dramatic.

I realize that we have been together a little over 1 year, which, for me, is not that long of a time to make a life changing decision. I think (thanks Penny), that once I decided that Dirty was the right one for me, and that marriage wouldn't be such a bad thing, I freaked out. I expected a ring right away, and was disappointed when it didn't happen. We talked so much about our future, I wanted our future to start right away. I know now that I am NOT ready for that. I think that we became too comfortable with falling into a routine and being complacent with it.

Dirty and I decided that we need to communicate in the moment and not allow resentments to fester between us. We are also going to stop spending so much time together. Missing each other is good for us and will make it more special when we do spend time together. I know that Dirty is the one, and he told me the same this past week. I really have moved into a better mind space, and I am not so worried about the future. As corny as it sounds, I know it will all work out in the end.

P.S.: T is back from PR and still in limbo about her boy. More details coming.

P.P.S: The title comes for the Jay-Z remix of Amy Winehouse's Rehab. Listened to it a lot this week. It's a hot song. Download it.

Trouble in Paradise??

Just got a text from T, who is currently in Puerto Rico. She landed at about 10:30am. It is now almost 5pm. And I quote:

Ok Ladies,

There is no shot this is going to last. Well I tried. Thanks
for all your love and support in this matter. See ya Tuesday.
xoxoxoxo T.

Say it with me... I told you so. I feel so much better getting it out of my system. Have a great long weekend all.

3rd Round TKO

I really feel beat down by stress lately. With all of the shit (no pun intended) that is going down with the crackies, compounded by work bs and personal bs, I feel like running away, and avoiding all my stressors.

Saturday the maintenance crew came to fix my bathroom. Wouldn't you know that the second they got there, I got explosive diarrhea? TMI, I know. I had to call my mom to come pick me up, because I didn't want to reschedule these jokers to fix my bathroom. I was so pissed. Thank goodness Dirty was able to stay and supervise those guys or else I would still be staring at a massive hole. Oh sure, he bitched and moaned about it, but really he did nothing but drink beer and play his PSP, so he had a good day.

I really don't know what is happening with my relationship with Dirty. I feel so apathetic about everything now. We talk about getting married, buying a house and future plans, but that is all that it is. Just talk. I just want to settle some things in my life now. I hate living in 2 places, I hate that I have to buy 2 sets of everything, so that when I stay over his house I can feel comfortable. Most of all, I hate that he doesn't get how difficult it is for me to live such an unorganized life. He's fine. Always. There are bigger issues here, namely that he wants his mother to live with us (post for another day), that I really don't feel have been worked out between us, and I don't know if they will be.

Work sucks as usual. I really want out, but 4 weeks vacation is hard to come by in this business. Honestly, I only do about 3 full days work during the week. I don't take work home, my job is really easy. Comfortable. If my boss wasn't such a pain in my ass, I would love my job.

So that's where my head is at right now. I just want to go home alone and make some macaroni and cheese with hot dogs and curl up on my couch in my PJ's. The End.

A Little Story

So most of you remember my hater friend T? If not, go here for a refresher. Anyway, I am going to tell you the story of T and her new friend B.

Once upon a time, there were two friends that lived next door to each other T and B. They did everything together. One day when it was T's 8th birthday, all she wanted was a Rubik's Cube. B stole his brother's Rubik's Cube and gave it to T. When B's parents found out, they made B go get it back. Fast forward a few years and T moves away. B is heartbroken. Fast forward a lot more years and B finds T on classmates.com. They start talking and made plans to go out to dinner. Within the week that they were talking he went to Toys R US and bought her her own Rubik's Cube. Cute story, right?

Here is the strange part. They have been hanging out for about 2 weeks now. They have already booked a trip to Puerto Rico together, leaving next week. They have picked out her engagement ring and named their future children, and have gone house hunting together. I feel like she is going super fast through the process and will wind up being hurt. Am I being a hater here? I am very supportive of her to her face, but I am screaming in my head that this is a bad thing. I've met him, and I kind of get a creepy stalker vibe from him. She is happy and I don't want to rain on her parade, but I'm wary. The biggest red flag that I get from her is that he really doesn't want to get to know her... and by that I mean that he is already fallen into the comfortable routine that couples get into when they are together a long time; they have only been dating less than ONE MONTH!!

How should I handle this? I need your help!

Come On People... How Cute is She??

Look at how smart my niece is at only 5 months old. Reading already! She takes after her awesome aunt.

Couldn't you just eat her up... but in a good way?

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

Did you ever have one of those days where everything goes wrong? I am having months like that.

Let me not even start about the bathroom. I swear that I am so angry that I could spit. Ok, I'll tell. The latest news is that Patty has started the eviction process with them. The kicker... I can't get my bathroom ceiling fixed until they get fully evicted. It is considered evidence. I am so frustrated right now, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Work sucks as usual, and since I have been taking off a lot of time to deal with this bullshit bathroom issue, I have practically exhausted all of my vacation time. So no summer vacay for Sloane.

So I seriously need to win the lottery or find a sugar daddy (or momma, at this point I am not being choosy), and buy a nice crib away from all crack infested people. Pray for me!

No Ceilings Allowed!

For the past month I have been living with this in my bathroom:

That is the hole in my ceiling where the maintenance people were trying to figure out where the leak was coming from. This is the medicine cabinet and light fixture that gets the brunt of it. P.S.: I am not that big of a slob, those dust crumbs are from the hole.

Fast forward to today when I come home from jury duty to this:

Yes, ladies and gentleman, that is crackie infested water all on my medicine cabinet. The best part? That it seeps inside the hinges so that all of my stuff inside is tainted.

No that is not the new hot decorating trend, that is nasty water ripples. Picture those full of water that I have to pop.

You can't really tell, but I caught this one in motion. Leaking motion. Jealous?

****************************************

So currently I hate my management company and am trying to screw them by purchasing the most expensive fixtures that are available for my bathroom. Please pray along with me:

Dear Lord, Jesus and whoever else is up there:

Please let the crackies move out and back into the projects where they belong, so that I can have my nice, beautiful bathroom sanctuary back. I promise that I will not talk bad about anyone else for the duration of my time living in this apartment*. Thank you. Amen.

P.S.: You really didn't think that I could go longer than that did you?

SAVE THE TA-TA's!!

I had a pretty eventful weekend. Friday I met my personal trainer, who as I mentioned before, is huge; like 7 foot tall and like 4000 pounds. Ok, I exaggerate a little, but compared to me at all of 5 foot nothing, he is a tall drink of water. I told him my issues and what I want to work on, and get this... he wants me to work out 5 days a week. Umm, yeah. The whole reason that I don't already exercise is because it takes away my precious couch time, so let's just say that this will be a huge adjustment for me.

Saturday I did the 5K Revlon Run/Walk for Breast Cancer with my family and friends in support and memory of all the people we know affected by breast cancer. It was a pretty fun day, except for the cloudy cold weather. Can I just say that another reason why I love NYC is that it is an amazing thing to see almost 50 thousand people gather for a great cause and to speak with some of the women who have survived this heinous disease. We walked from Times Square up Broadway to the East Meadow in Central Park. The best part of my day was seeing this woman named Nilda who was carrying a homemade sign that said "I am walking in support of myself... I am not ready to be a memory yet". Can I tell you I was crying like a little bitch after I saw that. I had to talk to this woman who was so determined to beat this disease and had so much faith that she would. We spent part of the time walking together and I watched so many survivors come up to her and thank her for the sign she made. Her whole family was there supporting her by walking with her and she told me that they raised almost 60 grand for the cause. She is truly an amazing woman, and was a real inspiration to me. By the way, go to savethetatas.com and buy some cute stuff.. They also donate a portion of each sale for Breast Cancer research.

Sunday was my parent's 34 wedding anniversary. All I can say is that 34 years is a LONG time to be with someone. Saw my niece. She is an awesome baby. So aware. She only cries when she has a full diaper. I can't wait until she gets a little older so we can do bonding time together.

Monday, I will be all up in the the Supreme Court of NYC doing my civic duty by being Juror #4. Hopefully I will see some cute lawyers milling around. Hey, a girl needs her eye candy. Besides just because I am taken, doesn't mean I am blind.

Peace out.


P.S.: Dirty went to visit his douchebag friend this weekend. Apparently db took him to a strip club. I was playing the role of good girlfriend and not calling every 5 minutes to check up on him. Imagine my surprise when I get a call at 12am telling me he was leaving db at the club and he was going home because he hated having old, smelly crotch in his face, (He was a bit more vulgar, but this is a family show), and that he missed me a lot. I have trained him well. He will get a bonus in his envelope this week. :)