Can't Make It Up

This story has to make you laugh, it did for me and considering the mood that I have been in, it was really welcomed.

Yesterday there was a client in the waiting room during lunch. I got called from the security guard on duty that one of our clients was being unsanitary. We have a lot of homeless clients and clients for whom personal hygiene is not on their to do list, so I didn't think anything of it. I go out into the waiting room to talk to the security guard. He points out the client who has his hands down his pants and he is without a doubt jerking off.

I look at the MALE security guard and ask him why he did not approach the client and tell him to stop. He told me that he didn't want anyone to think he was gay. DEAD ASS SERIOUS. Um, dude, I hate to break it to you, but that's kind of your JOB!!!! Let alone the fact that if anything really went down, the rent a cops would run away faster than the people they are trying to protect. But I digress.

I made the security guard go and tell the guy to stop, and escort him from the building. He started causing a scene, screaming that he was homeless and just out of prison, blah, blah, blah. At this point his pants fell down and he was stumbling around in his stained tighty- whiteys. So gross...but I couldn't stop laughing.

I called the police and when they came, they arrested him for indecent exposure. The funniest part of this whole situation? The officer's name.

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Officer Hand.

Funny right? No, just me then? OK.

Growth Sucks!

For the last few weeks, I have been feeling a little depressed. I've been trying to pinpoint the cause, but have come up empty handed. I think that everything is catching up with me and I can't shake it off. I always feel like I am on the verge of tears and any little thing can set me off. I just want to lay in my bed and cry.

If I really put my mind to it, I have figured that it started with the job that I lost. Not to rehash it, but I felt so confident when I was offered that position. I don't think that I have gotten over the rejection of that yet, coupled with the fact that I still have to stay here in hell indefinitely.

The whole marriage situation feels like a lost cause lately. Since Dirty lost his job, this is not on the table, but I can't help but think that this is just another convenient excuse for him to stall. Since we started talking about getting married, there have always been little excuses here and there about why we need to wait. Bullshit things, that to me are irrelevant. He wants to pass his licensing exam, he wants to buy me a massive ring, blah, blah, blah. I just want a commitment on his part and he won't give it to me. I ask for a time frame, and he doesn't have one. I don't want to be the girl that throws an ultimatum on the table, because I feel like if he wants to marry me, he needs to do it on his own. My fear is that I am going to be stuck waiting, with no payoff at the end. These are all things that we have discussed, and I feel like I can only be so patient. BTW, it sucks to feel like this.

Let me not even get into the biggest regret that I have; which is my apartment. I really hate the co-op board. I don't know if it is just me, but since the bathroom ceiling fiasco, everything else has systematically gone down hill. My intercom doesn't work, and they have changed the repair date 4 times. I keep telling Patty that I work and she needs to call my cell phone to notify me, but she only does that when I need to pay some bullshit new charge that she makes up. I have been on the waiting list for parking for 1 year, meanwhile there are 4 spots that are empty, that I can see from my kitchen window. The crackies upstairs are not getting evicted. They provided medical documentation that the old woman that lives up there is bed-ridden and can't move. So they sleep all day, and are up all night moving furniture. HATE!

Wow, it feels good to get that off my chest. I am going away this weekend, so hopefully I will be able to start the fall with a better outlook. Now I need to go take an Aleve, so I can call the trick in the maintenance office to schedule another appointment.

Peace.

hi

Wednesday Weirdness #17

Taking a break from all of the crazy thoughts in my head, here are my answers to Wednesday Weirdness. Go here to play.

1.) You just bought a snazzy new leather jacket for an awesome price at the local outlet shop. When you got it home you found $2000 (cash) in the jacket's inner pocket. What are you going to do?

Is this a real question? Of course I would keep it. I work in social service. That's enough said.

2.) If you could change or eliminate one wedding tradition, what would it be? What is your favorite wedding tradition?

I really think the whole bouquet/garter toss is kind of dumb. Has anyone ever gotten married after catching the bouquet? I think not. I like the father/daughter dance. My dad is awesome and he would love to dance to some old school Italian song with me at my wedding.

3.)If you were on Gilligan’s Island, who would you want to share your hut with? Who would you consider it torture to have to share a hut with?

Totally the Professor, he was hot in a nerdy kind of way. I have a t-shirt that says I Love Geeks. I would hate to be with anyone else on that show. They all annoyed me.

4.) Have you ever called your current significant other by another name at any point? What happened?

Never, although he called me by another name once. Let's just say he had to work really HARD to make it up to me. Ha Ha.

5.) If you were going to be famous under a stage name, what would you pick your stage name to be? Why? What do you want to be famous doing?

I want to be famous under my name. If I had to pick one, I like Sloane. No last name. I would like to be a famous traveler or chef. Like Tony Bourdain.

6.) During sex, do you ever fantasize about someone other than your partner?

Not usually, unless we are doing some crazy role playing.

7.) Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?

Too loud. Enjoy the Silence.

Um, Baby Fever?

This post has no real grammatical value. They are just a bunch of sentences in my head that I need to get out. If you have over a 1st grade reading level, you'll get the jist.

***********************

Lately I have this feeling that something is missing for me. I've tried to articulate my feelings, but nothing ever comes out sounding logical. The one thing that I have noticed that is hitting me in the gut a little is that the majority of my friends are married, with most of them having or working on their 2nd child.

I feel left out. I feel like I am surrounded by people moving up and moving on while I am stagnant in my little box. I feel like there is something wrong with me that I have not achieved those goals in my life yet. I think that I have mentioned that 33 is my scary age, and it is coming up fast.

Sometimes I think that I put too much pressure on myself about this stuff. Logically, I know that everyone is different. I know that my time will come. My fear is that when it becomes my time, I am not going to be able to have a kid. With all the crazy medical issues that I have been having it is always in the back of my mind.

I can't help it.

Wednesday Weirdness

1. Is there anything hanging from your vehicle's rear view mirror?

I have a set of traveling rosary beads hanging there. I am convinced that they have kept me out of some crazy crap on the road.

2. When you go into the bathroom, do you ever check behind the shower curtain? You know, to make sure no one is miraculously hiding back there.

No, never. Who has time for that?

3. At what age did your mom or dad give you "the talk" about sex?

I'm STILL waiting for my sex talk. I'll be 32 in a month.

4. If you could add anything at all to an airplane to make trips more interesting, what would it be and why?

I would totally add a library. On long flights, I can usually get through a book with plenty of time to spare, and since I only pack one in my carry-on and the rest in the suitcase, I'm screwed.

They also need to develop little cabins like they have on the sleeper trains within the main cabin that you can go into and shut the door to get away from all the smelly, annoying people.

5. What is one thing you and your significant other can never seem to agree on?

We disagree on tons of stuff. Movies-he likes old dramas from the 70's. I don't. I like to be silent and read. He doesn't. Somehow though, we make it work.

6. Have you ever walked in on someone else having sex? How did you and the people involved react?

This happened all the time in college. No big deal, we would just turn around and shut the door. I will say that no one has ever walked in on me, that I know of.

7. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What is one topic that can put you to sleep quicker than any other?

Anything having to do with numbers, math, finance, budgets, zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Wait, what were we talking about?


Go here to play.

What Would You Do?

I really need help with this one. Here is the story:

My cousin just got engaged. She is younger than I am, but we have been dating our boys for about the same amount of time.

She is having an engagement party. ON MY BIRTHDAY. When I saw the invite, my first instinct was to decline. My bday is sacred to me, and especially since it falls on the weekend this year. I told Dirty about it, and he got all weird. We had been talking about going away that weekend, but since he lost his job I figured it was a moot point. Anyway, he starts going on about how this is disrespectful to me, and that I should decline. (Sidebar-lately he has been ranting and raving about everything so I take it with a grain of salt. The dude has too much time on his hands.)

Then I started thinking...why SHOULD I decline? Just because it is my bday? Am I being selfish? Can I guilt trip her into having a cake for me at her party? She is having it at a hot NYC restaurant that her friends own (she and her fiance are chefs) and that I have been dying to go to. So it wouldn't be a bust. I guess.

HELP!!

Suspicious Activity

This is a very difficult blog entry to write, partly because it makes me sick to my stomach that I almost became "that girl".

Before I get into the story, I would like to thank Penny for talking some sense into me. It really helps to have someone in your life that you can share things with and not be judged for them. I couldn't even tell my therapist this, because I know that she would judge me badly.

I'll start at the beginning. My friend Rachel who recently passed away would have these massive parties when we were in college and invite pretty much everyone in the tri-state area. I met random friends and family members that were interconnected somehow. One of Rachel's cousin's, Lisette had a friend Betsy, who had a brother named Andy. When I was in college, Andy was maybe 17 or 18. Nothing major, him and his boys would hang around with us, and we would buy them alcohol and other party favors.

Fast forward 11 years at Rachel's wake. I see him again briefly, but don't really talk to him.

Three days later, Dirty got a copy of an amateur porn from his douchebag friend. We started watching it and one of the actors look familiar to me. I look a little closer and pause the dvd and it looks like Andy. I tell Dirty the whole story, and tell him that it looks like him. Dirty gets all weird, and tells me to contact him to see if it is really him.

Confused yet? Well there's more.

So I contact my friend who gives me his contact info, and I send an email. Turns out, it was Andy. In his response email, he invited me and Dirty out for drinks with him and his girlfriend. I tell Dirty about drinks and a very strange dream about the two of them. Well, he flips out and accuses me of wanting to be Andy. I don't.

Throughout this I have been emailing Andy and catching up with him about both of our lives and just random stuff. Nothing inappropriate. It was nice to get a different guys opinion on stuff that I was going through. So when he suggested we get together for drinks without Dirty, I was tempted. He asked for my number and wanted to make plans to meet this weekend, conveniently when Dirty will be in Boston with douchebag, who started this all.

WTF was I doing? WTF is wrong with me? I love my boyfriend so much; why was I so willing to throw it all away for drinks with some guy that I know if Dirty would find out it would be over?

I am NOT making excuses for my behavior, because I think that what I did was totally wrong; but I'm a little scared at how easy it was for me to get caught up in something like this. Is it because Dirty is unemployed and making it very difficult for me to be supportive of him? Is is because something is not really right with us? Is it me? Is it him?

I got lost, but luckily Penny was my GPS.

Best Laid Plans...

Yesterday under the guise of a medical appointment, I took the day off. Penny and I went to go see Aunt Wendy, and I had a whole day of pampering planned after.

I was right on schedule; got home at about 11:45, hair appointment was for 12:30. Decided to take a little nap.

Everything went downhill from there. I didn't wake up until 7:30PM!!! I missed my hair appointment, my mani-pedi and my facial and massage. So now, I still look like hell, with unpolished nails and feet. I was so pissed, but I guess that it was my body's way of slowing me down and catching up on the sleep that I have been missing.

I also can't help but think that if I wasn't so anal about being on time for my appointment, and would have gone to lunch with Penny after the show, that I would have had a slamming hairstyle and hot looking fingers and toes. Foiled again. That's what I get for wanting to be cheap and get the Monday- Thursday mani-pedi special for $15 dollars.

C Word- F That

First of all: got the results of the biopsy. All clear here. No cancer cells found, just a large concentration of cells in the small area underneath the thyroid. Sweet! I still have to monitor it, including getting monthly blood work, but no cancer! And because I am a little bitch, I started crying at work. I will not announce this at work yet, I still want Sidekick to stay off my back.

Dirty already has a few interviews lined up for next week. He reached out to a bunch of his contacts and they all hooked him up. He's happy, and so am I. I need a Wii or a Flat Screen TV for my birthday. Today he went fishing with my Dad. Totally random, but whatevs. They are both off my back for the day.

This weekend, my sister and I are house sitting for my cousin. What? Did you say pool party? I did. Did you also say it will only be me and my sister? I did too. I just want a relaxing weekend by myself. (My sister doesn't count).

And finally, I will be updating my blog roll this weekend come hell or high water. It's about time.

Adding Insult to Injury

For the past few weeks, it seems that some invisible force is out to get me. Paranoid, I know. However with all of the crap going on in my life, last night I was dealt another serious blow.

Dirty lost his job.

As I've mentioned, he is an architect, and was making pretty nice cash. The firm was a high profile firm working in the hospitality industry; you know, hotels, theme parks, etc. Anyway thanks to the crap economy, most of the projects he was working on were put on hold. So his firm had to let go almost the entire staff. From a 33 person office, only 5 are left. Since Dirty recently moved to this firm, obviously, they let him go. He got a pretty good severance package, but he's bummed.

So am I. Can I tell you the first thing that went through my mind? That I wasn't going to be getting a ring anytime soon. Yep. Nice and selfish.

I know that he is talented and will find another job soon, but right now I am trying very hard to be supportive. He is making it difficult for me though. I know he is stressed out, but he has this nasty attitude that is coming through with every suggestion that I make to him. He is freaking out that he has no money coming in, and how he is going to pay his rent. He has been out of work one day, and he is being so dramatic. We were on the phone late last night planning out some stuff and I made a comment like "oh, I'm tired. I need to go to sleep, so I won't be tired tomorrow", and he was like, "I have no idea what that's like". Dude, you haven't even been unemployed one day. Build a bridge and get over it.

Ok, you guys can comment on what a bitch I am. Bring it. :)

Wednesday Weirdness and Stuff

I never realized that people in NYC could be so nosy, but I have been stopped 6 times within that last 2 days asking about the bandage on my neck. Before you get crazy, it is not a huge gauze wrapped wound. It is a small flesh colored band-aid that is placed in the center of my neck. I didn't realize that it would be so noticeable, especially since I have been wearing shirts that cover it, but I guess it is. Someone actually asked me if it was a nicotine patch! Random.

The procedure itself didn't hurt exactly, the anesthesia killed me though. I am always sleepy a day or two after taking anesthesia. The suckiest part? I am on a mushy food diet for the next few days. Gross. The other bad part? No alcohol. I know, kill me now. I went out for drinks and dinner last night, and I couldn't eat anything. Torture. I was drinking club soda with lime, to fake like I was drinking a gin and tonic so people at other tables didn't think I was such a dud. But they probably could tell anyway. :(

Anyway, here's my answers to Wednesday Weirdness

1. Would you rather be 3 inches taller, or 3 inches shorter than you already are?

Do I have to answer this? I think we all know it would be taller, and I would try to borrow inches from someone else as well. If I grew 3 inches, I would still only be 5'3", so I'll take at least 6. Wrapped in a bow. Thanks.

2. What are 3 words that could never be used to describe you?

This is a tough question. I can be described as everything in different areas of my life. Greedy- yes; sweet-yes; annoying-yes; pretty-yes; conceited-yes; considerate-yes. I could go for days, and you get the point.

3. Have you ever eaten something at the grocery store while you were shopping, prior to buying it? Did you pay for it when you got to the check out line?

No, I can usually hold off until I get into the car and then I break into something.

4. If you could have any 3 materialistic things in this world without paying a single cent for any of them, what would they be and why?

1. A really nice house with all the amenities that I could want; pool, hot tub, outdoor kitchen. Like the shit I see in Dirty's architecture magazines.

2. A cleaning lady that won't judge me and just shut her mouth and clean!

3. Hot transportation- private jet, boat, cars, etc. See how I got more out of my three. I'm so strategic like that!

5. Have you ever fallen asleep or nodded off during sex before?

Yes, sometimes I nod off during foreplay, not during the actual act. I did have a boyfriend that would fall asleep all the time during, especially if he was drunk. Yes, it was in college and yes, that is why he is an ex.

6. What are 3 jobs you’d leave your current job for? If you don't have a current job, just list 3 jobs you would like to have.

1. Restaurant critic- I've always wanted to do this. I would be totally dramatic about it too. Two ice cubes please. Oh No? I WILL BREAK YOU!!

2. Travel Critic or Hotel Tester- Trip Advisor? What?

3. Anywhere Sidekick is not. :)

7. Do you or have you ever answered the phone during sex?

No, but it is very distracting. I have answered the phone at other times when getting frisky. ;)

Can't Eat, Can't Sleep

I know I talk all the time on here about my IBS, and the fact that any and everything that I eat can force me onto the throne for days at a time, but I don't think I have ever mentioned the other health issue that I have.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism. I was a pretty classic case, with the heart palpitations, and tremors. The one exception to this was that instead of losing tons of weight, I gained. Apparently, since my body was doing all of this overwork, I was eating to compensate. It happens to something like 1 in 1000. Of course I would be the exception. The thyroid lobe on the left side was enlarged to almost 10 centimeters, which is totally abnormal. A normal thyroid is about 2-3 centimeters in diameter.

After my doctor found the abnormal size and that the T-3 and T-4 hormones were overproducing from a blood test, I took 2 radioactive iodine treatments. Let me tell you, no picnic. You you have to sign for the pill that comes in a metal canister and are given it by someone wearing a haz-mat suit. You are sequestered for 3 days so that the radiation does not infect other people. By the way, it makes your urine is a bright orange color, just in case you wanted to know. Since that treatment about 4 years ago, everything has been fine.

Until now. Tomorrow, (actually today), I have to get a biopsy done on my left lobe thyroid. When I got my last check-up my T-3 and T-4 levels came back a bit askew, and when the doctor did a sonogram, she noticed a new growth on the left lobe. She thinks it may be cancerous. Normally, I don't freak out about these things, however when this doctor is concerned about something like this, I do. So, I haven't eaten or had a good nights sleep for the past 3 days. My bowels however have been on a rampage.

Looking at the big picture, I am not really worried, but a part of me in the back of my head is already making out my will and planning what I want my family to dress me in in my casket. Morbid enough for you?

Everything happens for a reason right? I can't help but think that this is the reason why the other company rescinded their offer.

Never Been Arrested for Nothing Domestic

Last night I went to the wake of a dear friend who died so suddenly, she didn't even get the chance to tell everyone she was sick.

What struck me was that the minute that I walked into the funeral home, there was music playing. I am not talking about the standard, soothing elevator music, but honest-to-goodness bumping jams. Now, my friend was famous for her mix tapes, that she would give out as gifts, and let me tell you, they always came at the right time. I can't think of the times that me or one of my girls was stressed out, there was a RV mixtape as the answer. We used to stay out all night dancing at different Latin clubs in the city (That was a long time ago, I'm much nerdier now), and when I started dating Dirty, she was so excited that she could share her love of salsa and merengue music with someone.

As it happens, people grow up and grow apart. She moved to Miami with her husband, and had a gorgeous baby. She recently came back to NYC, presumable when she got sick, and I saw her once when she just got back, but we had lost contact in the last few months, apparently, she did not want anyone to see her sick. When I bought my apartment, she sent me a CD that she wanted me to play at my housewarming party. I never wound up having the party, but I listen to those songs everyday on my IPod.

So in honor of my friend Rachel, here are some of the songs I think you should download and listen to this summer. This is the Hip-Hop list. Try them, have I steered you wrong yet? P.S.: If you are offended by cursing, what are you doing here? :)

Am I Dreaming- Kat DeLuna
Take A Bow- Rihanna
Sunshine- Jay-Z featuring Foxy Brown
Last Night- P. Diddy featuring Keyshia Cole- (Hi Penny)
911- Wyclef and Mary J. Blige
Renee- Lost Boyz
Two Wrongs- Wyclef and Claudette Ortiz
Heartbreaker- Mariah Carey featuring Jay-Z
Uh Oh- Lumidee with Busta Rhymes and Fabolous
Song Cry- Jay-Z with the Roots- MTV Unplugged
U Make Me Wanna- Jadakiss
Low Remix- Flo Rida featuring Pitbull and T-Pain
I Won't Tell- Fat Joe
With You- Chris Brown
Lately- KC and JoJo-MTV Unplugged
Welcome to New York City- Cam'ron featuring Jay-Z
Off The Books- Beatnuts
Get Money- Junior Mafia
Make Me Better- Fabolous featuring Ne-Yo
Dilemma- Nelly with Kelly Rowland

Ghostface Killah Corner

Back Like That- Ghostface Killah featuring Ne-Yo
You Know I'm No Good- Ghostface Killah and Amy Winehouse
All That I Got is You- Ghostface Killah
Cherchez la Ghost- Ghostface Killah

These are the songs I listen to before I go meet with Sidekick. They get me hyped.

Hate Me Now-Nas featuring Puff Daddy
Moment of Clarity- Jay-Z
Party Up- DMX
Damn, It Feels Good to Be A Gangsta- Geto Boyz
Bring the Pain- Method Man

Especially for Rachel:

Feels So Good- Mase featuring Puff Daddy
You're All I Need To Get By- Method Man and Mary J. Blige
One More Chance- Notorious B.I.G.
If I Ruled the World- Nas
I'm A Thug- Trick Daddy

***************************************************

Damn I love my East Coast rap don't I? Let me know what you think of the songs.

Rachel
1974-2008

Insert Clever Title Here

At some point this weekend I will be updating my blogroll on the sidebar. I will be adding everyone that I read. If you prefer NOT to be listed, let me know in the comments or by sending me an email at sloanesdayoff@gmail.com .

BTW, I would do this at work, but got assigned a crazy project that originally was my idea, that apparently the VP caught onto and now wants to implement. Color me surprised that Sidekick didn't take the credit.

Pineapple Mojitos Make This Girl Feel Better

First, I want to thank everyone for their support. Your comments and outrage on my behalf made me feel so much better than I did on Friday afternoon.

I had a long talk with the parents and with Dirty, and decided that this happened for a reason and I just need to be patient and secure in knowing that something will happen for me. Secondly, as much as I hate Sidekick, I don't think that she had anything to do with it. Don't think it didn't cross my mind, but I think she is just a mean, evil person and right now I pity her more than anything else. She is unhappy in her life and does not know how to overcome it. Besides, I found out some scandalous gossip about her that turned my frown upside down. (Thanks Penny). I'll share it one day.

For this weekend, I just wanted to stay home and chill out. I was drained, from the whole job thing and from a fight that I had with Dirty for the 14397645 time about getting engaged. I don't know how to leave well enough alone. In my defense, my younger cousin just got engaged, and I was PMSing. Enough said. I will say that Dirty really is a patient dude to put up with my crap.

He made me pineapple mojitos all day Saturday. Please do yourself a favor and make these, they are sooooo gooood. I posted the recipe below for all of you. Your Welcome.

I started drinking at about 11am. It was too hot to move, so I lounged in bed with the AC, while he brought me snacks and drinks. I played Burnout for 5 hours straight. He made me some steak and mashed potatoes for dinner and we bought the Affliction PPV and taped the UFC one. I fell asleep halfway through, but whatevs, I had a great day.

Sunday, much of the same, although instead of video games and MMA, I watched a marathon of Bridezillas and Platinum Weddings on We. With Dirty. Who was more into it than I was. Scary. Towards the evening, my stomach was getting queasy at the thought of talking to Sidekick about my decision. Got a frantic call from Penny while watching the Deadliest Catch marathon. Talked her down, went to sleep, only to be woken up by Dirty sawing wood. Man he snores so loud. Punched him in the arm and he turned over. Fell asleep again. Weekend Over.

Spoke to Sidekick this morning, it's all good. She kissed my ass a little and told me she was happy that I am not leaving. We'll see.

******************************************

Pineapple Mojito recipe- this will make about 5 drinks.

1 can crushed pineapple in pineapple juice. I like Dole.
20 or so mint leaves. From my Aerogarden.
3 Limes
Sugar
Rum- Please use a good aged rum, I like Flor de Cana or Ron Viejo de Caldas. You could use another one, but it won't taste as good. Believe me I've tried. Most of them.

Take a few chunks of the pineapple and some juice into a cocktail shaker. Add 5 mint leaves or more to taste, some sugar, depending on how sweet you want it and ice. Shake the hell out of it to break up the pineapple and mint leaves and dissolve the sugar. Add the juice of 1/4 lime and a few ounces of rum with some pineapple juice. Shake again and strain into a glass with ice. Mmmm, mmmmm, good.

If you don't like this recipe, Google another one. You will not be disappointed.

Worst News Ever

Remember how I was so excited about my new job, and resigned?

Yeah.

Well, the agency that I was moving to rescinded their offer. Today. The day after I got my hire packet in the mail.

I have no words. :(

Better Late Than Never

So here are my 99 things. Before I started writing it, I didn't think I was going to come up with 99 things, but here they are.

99 THINGS

1. My real name isn't Sloane.
2. I wish it was.
3. I got the name from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, one of my favorite movies.
4. My real name is very ethnic.
5. I have super fair skin and dark hair.
6. The kicker? Tons of freckles.
7. I don't tan in the sun, I freckle.
8. Although I love them, I wish I was able to get a kick ass tan.
9. I've lived in NYC my entire life.
10. I bought an apartment in January 2007.
11. I moved in in June.
12. I think it was a big mistake.
13. My whole family (extended) thinks that Dirty and I live together.
14. We don't.
15. I got the apartment before I got the boyfriend.
16. I live underneath a bunch of crackheads.
17. I hate it.
18. I want to sell my apartment and buy a house with Dirty.
19. One of the main reasons why is so I don't have to deal with people living above me.
20. Oh, and because I love him.
21. And I want to marry him.
22. I am scared that he will never ask me.
23. I know that if that happens, I should walk away.
24. That will be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do.
25. I'm afraid I'm not that strong.
26. Sometimes I think my life is too good.
27. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
28. Sometimes I wish I was more religious.
29. I admire people who have blind faith in a higher power.
30. I don't have that much trust.
31. It makes me sad.
32. I am doing this list at work.
33. I have no work to do today.
34. I am spending my time online.
35. I've checked out of this job a long time ago.
36. I just go through the motions everyday.
37. I don't think anyone can tell.
38. If they can, they have never said.
39. I wouldn't care anyway.
40. I am a little nervous about my new job.
41. I know that once I get there, I'll fit right in.
42. It sounds funny, but I relate better to a bunch of thugs than with "professional" people.
43. I look really young for my age.
44. I will be 32 in September.
45. It used to be a barrier.
46. I always tell my real age.
47. No one believes me anyway.
48. It will come in handy as I reach old age.
49. I rarely get dressed up, only for special occasions.
50. My general work "uniform" is pants and a button down shirt.
51. My weekend wear is jeans and t-shirts.
52. When I do get dressed up, I look completely different.
53. Everyone wonders why I don't do it more often.
54. I wonder if I do look that bad?
55. I love to sleep.
56. I don't get a lot of it during the week.
57. I can't seem to catch up on it during the weekends lately.
58. I love to cook.
59. I always wanted to be a professional chef.
60. But I don't think that I could handle the criticism.
61. I rarely cook anymore.
62. It is not so fun to cook for one person.
63. Dirty usually cooks for me when we are together.
64. Sometimes I feel guilty about it.
65. My mother thinks I treat him badly.
66. I just think he is well trained. :)
67. He cleans my house for me. All. The. Time.
68. He takes care of me when I am sick.
69. Which I seem to be all the time lately.
70. I have IBS.
71. Which means I am literally full of shit.
72. My family teases me about that all the time.
73. It is really funny.
74. I don't follow the diet I am supposed to.
75. If I did, I would be extremely thin.
76. I just can't give up certain foods.
77. I've tried.
78. My trainer has helped me lose almost 15 pounds.
79. I can't tell.
80. Neither can my friends or family.
81. I think the scale may be wrong.
82. I feel like I am destined to be the fat girl.
83. I don't want to be.
84. I wear glasses.
85. Currently I have 4 different pairs that I rotate.
86. I have a hard time wearing contact lenses.
87. My eyes are extremely dry.
88. I only wear them to go out.
89. I got my first pair when I was 10.
90. They were really ugly.
91. I feel like I can hide behind my frames.
92. They are a barrier between me and the world.
93. I helped most of my friends pick out their frames.
94. They are usually something that they would never select for themselves.
95. It is a gift. I am the Eyeglass Whisperer.
96. I should have been an optometrist.
97. It would have saved me A LOT of money.
98. Here I am at the end.
99. 17 work days to go!

Whew. Yes it is 17 work days, the counter includes the weekends. I don't!

Blast from the Past

I was reading this post by Stella and it really got me thinking a lot about the kids I may have someday.

I am the middle child. That should say it all. But really, it just scratches the surface. I have an older brother, with whom my parents thought the sun shone out of his ass, and a younger sister, that did and continues to get away with murder.

So back to poor Sloane the middle child. I was very awkward growing up, much smarter than the kids around me, and more mature. My parents (who really are great, despite the complaining in this post), really didn't know how to raise "Americans". They both were born in Italy, my mom coming here when she was 12, and my dad coming here when he was 25. They were and still are a bit old-fashioned and really very strict.

We always had enough. That's it. Enough. There were no extras. According to my parents, they were unnecessary. No dancing school lessons, no sleepovers, rarely a play-date with someone who lived off of my block. And I wanted those things, badly. I wanted cool LEATHER Keds sneakers, with the scrunchie socks. I wanted to wear a spangly costume and take corny pictures in a showgirl pose. I wanted to have a sleepover birthday party. I wanted to have a perm and crispy bangs like every other girl I knew. (what? I grew up in the 80's.) I look back now, and thank my parents, because they knew I would look even more hurt than I already did, what with the telescopic glasses and train-track braces.

That being said, it really wasn't until I went to high school and got a job at the Gap that I was finally able to wear cool clothes and get some kind of style. I realized that glasses can be stylish (yay!), and developed a fetish for them. I began becoming more confident with my intelligence and instead of sitting back and letting other people lead me, I became a leader.

I have always said that I want to instill in my daughter the same confidence that I missed out in my earlier years. I think that boys have it easy, little girls can be bitches. I see my niece, who is all of 7 months old, and want her to have that confidence starting very young. I have already started to amass a wardrobe for her, although my bro and sil are very aware of what she wears. She has 10 pairs of earrings already and I am going broke buying her hair bows and other accessories.

Seriously, it may not seem like a big thing, and something so insignificant, but when you are shunned because you are wearing Velcro sneakers from Fayva (all my NYC'ers know what I'm talking about), and not the latest LA Gears. It hurts. Deep.

Then when you are about to turn 32 you write a blog post about it. Who needs therapy now?

Bombs Away!

Dropped the bomb today at 9:45am. I decided to do it early in the morning so that I could ruin Sidekick's day. I am pleased to say that I succeeded in my quest. Just to show you all how delusional she is the following is a loose transcript of our conversation, my comments are in parentheses.

****************************************

Me: Sidekick, I need to speak to you for a few minutes.

Sidekick: Ok, I'm listening. (All the while looking at her computer screen)

Me: I am handing in my resignation effective August 8th. (Holding letter)

SK: What????!!! (Whips head away from computer screen)

Me: This is my resignation letter, effective August 8th. (still holding letter)

SK: How could you do this now? This is a bad time.

Me: Isn't it always a bad time when an employee decides to resign? (still holding letter)

SK: Wow, I didn't know you weren't happy here. I thought we got along great and you are a real asset to the team here. What other position could you have possibly gotten that competes with this one?

Me: I was offered a Clinical Director Position. (you guessed it, holding letter)

SK: Do you think you can handle that? That is a really tough position. You know that you are going to have to be a strong supervisor, and work really hard at following up about everything. I know you struggle with following up and completing assignments in a timely fashion.

Me: Well, my new supervisor has confidence in my abilities, so I'll let her worry about that now. (8x11 paper is really starting to get heavy). So here is my official resignation letter effective August 8th.

SK: So I guess I should wish you good luck then? Where are we going to find another CRC in such a short amount of time?

Me: Maybe Tall_Trees_ is still available. (considering she wanted to come back after she left)

SK: Wow, I can't believe it, I'll take your resignation letter now.

**************************************

And scene. The whole thing took about 15 minutes, and I didn't get her usual raging, but she didn't disappoint. She was a little mellow today, but that didn't stop the petty comments coming through. Now if only I can live out the month. I know it hasn't sunk in yet with her and when it does, I will be in for it, big time.

20 days left.

****Edited to add: I just realized that my last day of work will be on 08/08/08. Pretty cool.****

Dear Sidekick,

Eat Me.

Hugs and Kisses,

Sloane

*********************************************

So do you guys think that that would be an appropriate resignation letter?

Unfortunately, if you only come here to read about my work drama, that is going to change. That's right. I have officially been offered another position with another agency a ton more money and I have taken it. I'm trying to come up with the most perfect resignation letter for Sidekick, so that she knows how much I hated her as my supervisor. I will be taking any suggestions. Oh, and I will totally be doing this in person, as I can't wait to see her face when I tell her.

Anyway, about my new job. I will be the clinical director for a substance abuse program. Back to the hood dealing with with all of my peoples again. I need to brush up on my slang. I will be supervising a team of 10 people, and hopefully I can be a good supervisor to them, NOT how Sidekick was to me and Penny.

I am still negotiating a start date, hopefully sometime mid August, and give myself a nice little vacay in between. For right now, I'm just trying to get through the rest of my time here and then I will be FREE!!!!

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and wow, it feels great.

Good News Coming Soon

Stay tuned.... I have some awesome news to share, but want to be 100% sure before I open my big, fat mouth. Pray that everything goes my way!

Happy 4th

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July. I did.

I spent the entire day moving from bed to couch and back again. So nice just to stay in pajamas and relax. Didn't leave the house for anything. I am such a sloth. Love it.

A 40 is Looking Really Good Right Now

I should have taken a page from this guy I saw on the train this morning and popped a few cold ones if I would have known what I was walking into today.

Sidekick is on a rampage.

Most of you know my severe dislike for my boss. Basically, she is a hater. Today she is in rare form, starting with a rebuking email from a mistake the SHE made, but of course had to blame someone else for. Whatevs. I am so used to her tirades that it doesn't phase me anymore, but I feel bad for my new Office Mate. I don't think I mentioned her before. She and I get alone very well because unlike Tall Trees, she actually, you know, works. OM is not really used to SK's tirades, so I had to school her. Poor thing was actually thinking that she did something wrong. No worries. One of the things that I like about her is that she gets hip to the game pretty quick.

Back to SK. In our staff meeting today, with 4 other people, she was making snide little comments about me asking for an increase. I think I posted about this before, but I am lazy to find it. I didn't get the raise because the "budget is frozen right now." Um, yeah. So she continued to make comments about how my work is suffering because I'm spoiled and didn't get my increase. So she took it there. So I said, well, apparently since around here the less you do the more you get paid I should be right on schedule. That shut her fat fucking face really fast.

We are meeting in an individual supervision to discuss my excessive absences. Why have I been excessively absent you ask? Because my office is currently at 55 degrees. I have about 60 emails (no exaggeration) that I have sent throughout the winter to her stating that the office was freezing and she never followed up about it. It finally turns out that when the entire staff called in sick one day (hmm, weird, right?), she followed-up and found that the thermostat in our area was broken, so the computer was registering 73 degrees when it was actually in the 50's. Get this, there is no way to fix it short of rewiring the entire floor. Is my cheap ass company going to pay for that? No way. They got us space heaters. In. the. summer. I know that when people see me commuting to work in my heavy pants and shirts, I look crazy, but it is because my body has not regulated a temperature since last January.

Can't wait to see what the rest of the day with her brings me. It is only 1:30pm after all. I have a lifetime to go.

So, a 40 would feel really good right now. At the very least, it will warm me up a little.

Mr. Potato Head

To condense a super long story into a manageable blog post, I have left out many minute details of this story.

To start where I last left off, my friend T was in Puerto Rico with B, (who I have un-affectionately named Potato Head for his uncanny likeness to the children's toy), where she sent me a text message stating that this relationship will not work out. Can't say I didn't warn her. But I digress.

It seems that while in Puerto Rico, T found out that Potato Head is a pathological liar. He lied about pretty much everything; from stupid lies that he doesn't smoke, to more serious lies about his financial situation. She found out there that he filed for bankruptcy TWICE! He is only 32.

Since she has been back, she has continued to see him, even though she found out all about his dishonesty. She still feels that she is going to marry him. I've called her out on his behavior and she told me that I know too much about him and that she cannot keep up the facade to me, and would I not say anything to anyone about what she discovered on vacation. She can't take the heat. I told her that I will not support her during this time with him, but when she finally breaks it off, I will be there for her 100%. She needs some tough love.

So we haven't spoken for a few weeks. She called me on Friday saying that she hadn't gotten her period yet, and that she wanted me to go with her to buy a pregnancy test. It killed me, but I declined. I told her to call Potato Head and have him help her. She told me that she tried to call him, but he was avoiding her calls for some reason. Hmm, I wonder why? Is because he is a total lying liar who lies? Yes, that and a douchebag to boot.

Anyway, I still didn't go with her, even though I was freaking out for her. She called me a few hours later and told me that the tests were negative. The next day she sent me a text message saying that she got her period. Thank God!

Note to Potato Head: You are not that good looking to be pulling this mess, and at 32 years old you should also be ashamed of yourself.

P.S.: In the text message, T told me that she was waiting for him to come over to bring food, and "take care of her". Jigga what? The same dud (yes, it is a typo, but fits perfectly), that refused to take your calls when you were freaking out about maybe, possibly being PREGS is coming to take care of you??!?!?!?!? WTF???

And this people is why I scheduled a therapy appointment for MYSELF tonight.

Wednesday Weirdness

1. Have you ever rode in a stolen car? What would you do if, in the middle of going somewhere, found out that the driver had stolen the car you were riding in?

Um, not that I know of. But if I found out, I would probably stay. I'm so lazy, my ass ain't walking anywhere unnecessarily.

2. What is the most amount of money you've spent in a sex shop or porn store at one time? If you've never been to a porn store or sex shop, why?

In a store about $50. I usually buy off the internet. Again, because I'm lazy.

3. What is the most annoying thing about one of your closest friends?

She talks constantly about herself, leaving no room for anyone to get a word in edgewise. When I bring it to her attention she gets pissy and doesn't speak to me for a while. At least then my ears get some rest.

4. Have you ever taken someone's prescription medication with or without them knowing and used it for recreational purposes?

No, although when I had surgery in 2004, I took vicodin a little longer than I should have.

5. What is at least one thing you are you insecure about?

How long do you have? I would definitely say my weight, I have heavy upper arms and fat thighs. Me and my booty are starting to become friends thanks to Dirty.

6. What are some things that you prefer to do alone?

Shower, read, bathroom business, cooking, and taking care of my feminine business like mani/pedi/hair/wax.

7. How would you react if you found out the anonymous babe who writes all your favorite sexy posts on her blog is really your mother?

I know that she had sex 3 times. That is all I care to know. Brain bleach comes to mind.

Ruh-Roh

Um, I think that Sloane went a little over board on the tomato/mozzarella salad last night, since my whole evening was filled with me having some intestinal distress. So another day off for me today, except this one will be spent on my throne. Awesome. NOT!

How Did You Get Here?

I wanted to take a page from Stella and ask how everyone found me and started to read about my awesome life and other such nonsense that I post from time to time.

And since everyone needs a pat on the back now and again, here's yours (don't get to used to this):

I really appreciate everyone's feedback to this blog and the support that I feel whenever I post something is really important to me. Thank you for not judging me for the things that I post and sending me virtual kicks in the ass when I need them. You have helped me more than you know.

<3 (Yes, I did type a heart there. Yes, I did it on purpose.)

Message to Kristina

Don't give up like this. Private thoughts are just that. Private. Don't let your S-I-L get the upper hand in this. What you wrote were feelings that are valid and were how you felt at the moments that you wrote them.

Everyone goes through anger, pain and a million other emotions at one time in their lives and expressing those emotions through a diary is an appropriate way of helping you work through things so that you can look at a situation clearly and ultimately get the closure you need.

I hope that you can work through this and know that we are all around to support you whenever you are ready to accept it.

I Want an Ice Tray, Not a Whole Bag

Another addition to the Dirty saga. I promise that this blog won't turn into the Dirty page, but I need to share this with you all.

Since my last post, I have distanced myself a bit from Dirty and our day-to day struggles. This has made him become more attentive and super aware. Honestly, that was not my intention, but a totally unexpected bonus!

On Sunday, I did a 3 mile walk for a family friend who has Spinal Muscular Atrophy to raise money for an elevator installed in her home. It was a really great day, and we raised almost 85 thousand dollars for her. Tyrone is paying off. I did the walk in 45 minutes, which is a great time for me.

Anyway, back to my Dirty story. I get home and I hear talking in my apartment. I walk in, and find Dirty in the kitchen cooking. I was surprised to see him there to say the least. He told me that he wanted to surprise me with dinner. I went to take a shower and noticed that the bed in my bedroom was made, and that the clothes that were strewn all over the room were gone. Shrugged and went about my bidness. Went into the bathroom and saw that it was immaculate. Down to BLUE toilet water that was definitely not there before. I asked Dirty about it and he told me he cleaned up a little. So I was shocked.

After my shower I to get my blog fix and read PostSecret. I turn on the monitor and what is staring me in the face? THIS:

Now, I start freaking out. Dirty was calling my name, and I minimized the picture and picked up a magazine really fast. He hustled me out of the room with some crap excuse, and stayed behind to shut down the computer. Fool, doesn't he know about the cookies I have saved on the computer? Anyway, of course after he left, I went directly back to the website and examined it more closely. Don't get me wrong, it is a gorgeous ring, but a bit much don't you think? Here is another picture:



Opinions? The logical part of me is to tell him not to spend so much on a ring, so that we can have money to spend on a house, other part is telling me to stop jumping to conclusions. By the way, there was a contact name and information on the sticky pad in front of the computer. Help!