Do You Want to Die Laughing?

Peep this:

Dirty and I were looking at china patterns so that when the time comes to register, we are both on the same page and won't have a huge blowout in the store over forks. Preventative measures, you know? Since he is over involved in this, he shows me the following china, crystal and silverware:

Ebb and Flow

Wow, June 17th eh? Well, you all know that I am a slacker.

So some updates:

1. Took my recertification tests and am waiting to hear back. I am freaking out because I haven't heard anything, and I need to have all of that paperwork postmarked September 1, 2009. I wonder if this is God's way of telling me that I need to find another line of work.

2. MamaSloane has been feeling sick for the past few months, and need to have surgery to repair her bladder that dropped from its normal location. During the surgery, we found out the she needed to have a full hysterectomy. Yeah. Kind of weird, but the dr and hospital was great and she is getting back to normal.

3. Engagement party is at the end of this month. Immediate family only, and we clocked in at 112 people, not including children. We decided to have it at a local family friend's restaurant, so we have the whole place to ourselves. Say a quick prayer that everything goes according to plan.

4. Wedding planning is going... We finally picked a date, September 4, 2010. Booked the church and the reception hall. If anyone wants to see a huge NYC Italian wedding in person let me know and I'll send you an invite. lol

5. I think that I have found "THE" dress. The only issue that I have with it is that it is A LOT of money, and I can't see spending so much on a dress for a few hours. Peep it: The Delaney. Let me know your thoughts. It will be Ivory, because my translucent skin color does not play nice with white. I would get cap sleeves or straps or some other kind of holder, because Sloane don't do strapless.

So that's about it. My job still sucks, nothing new there. Pretty much status quo, except for the fact that I have become addicted to Farmville on Facebook. I need an intervention... or a lost brown cow, or a banana tree, or a duck. ;)

Hugsies.

Hot in the Streets

To my Canadians up in here...

Remember this guy from Degrassi the Next Generation?

Aubrey Graham? Jimmy? My sister and I were obsessed with this show once they started showing it on Noggin here in NYC. Who would have thought that little Jimmy who use to date Ashley and was BFF with Spinner that had to give up his basketball career thanks to getting shot in the back by Rick and confined to a wheelchair and then got the hots for Ellie would turn into this:

One of the hottest rappers in a while. This is not a commercial for him, but you need to seek out some of his songs. For your convience, I have given you a sample of the hotness. Some of the songs may be NSFW. (you know how much I heart my cursewords). Thank me later when people are impressed at your up to date music tastes. The fact that he turned into some really nice eye candy doesn't hurt either. ;)

Trust.

Thanks and a Story.

Thanks for all your thoughts for my family and I during this rough time. When my Grams found out I got engaged, she was really excited and was planning a trip to NYC for my wedding. She was happy when she died, like everything was working out the way she planned.

So in trying to move on from being sad and mourning all the time, I am back at work and blogging. Life is back to normal. Oh, and BTW, if you are ever feeling sad, watch the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall, it made me feel a whole lot better. :)

Now onto my proposal story (Hold on the your hats, it's long):

Picture it: Thursday, May 14, 2009.

Backstory: We were having sushi for dinner and discussing his friend, let's call him J who is getting married in June. Dirty is in the wedding party and the weekend coming up was the bachelor party. We were talking about how his douchebag friend was coming from Boston to spend the weekend partying with them. Great.

Anyway, we were discussing how J proposed to his fiancee, R. Apparently they went to a park by the water in a neighborhood close to us, where he had set up a heart shaped area with roses and candles (he is an architect also, so his interior designer friend helped him), and brought her there after a candlelight dinner on the top of their building. It was all public and so very romantic. Gag me. I told Dirty if he pulled that shit with me, I would say NO and he would be embarrassed in front of strangers in the park.

Fast forward to later that night: I am laying on the bed reading my book, and he is playing with his I-Pod, putting all this awful 70's music on and annoyingly asking me what I think of this song and that song. Of course, I was being a rag, and was really bitchy saying that I just wanted him to turn the music off and for him to be quiet.

So he starts talking to me about one of the building he is renovating at the airport.

Backstory: The buildings he works in are abandoned and any old stuff they find in the buildings, they can keep. Most of the stuff is old duty free stuff from the 70's and 80's, perfumes, pens, cigarettes, junk like that.

He is talking about how they found this gift shop in the building and it had all of this I Love NY merchandise in it from 1980, and he bought me a present.

He hands me this dusty box full of stuff and the first thing I say to him is "there better not be a rat in the dirty, disgusting box". Can you feel my love? I am looking through the box and there are T-shirts, pens, pencils, and little foam apples; really corny stuff. I said, "Um, great. Just what I always wanted, a box of someones else's unwanted junk.", and pushed the rest of the stuff in the box to the floor. That is when I saw the small box at the bottom of the bigger box. It was wrapped in brown paper, and I said, "what is this box for?" and he looked surprised and said that he didn't know what it was.

He told me to open it, all the while still fiddling with his I-Pod and not really paying attention to what I was doing. I opened it and it was a white box, and when I opened the white box there was a wooden jewelery box inside. I was like, "oh well someone is pissed from 1980, because their jewelery got left behind.", thinking it was a pair of earrings or something. When I opened the box and saw the ring, I turned to him and he was on his knee at the side of the bed, and asked me if I would marry him. I was in shock, and started crying.

He put the ring on me, and it immediately fell off. Because I am a moron, I told him the wrong ring size and the ring is too big for my finger, so I am engaged with no ring. (I was willing to slap a band aid on that bitch and rock it like it is my job, but he put the kibosh on that.) We haven't set a specific date yet, but we are looking at November 2010.

So for my girls, here is the rundown: 1.75 carat princess cut, white gold setting with 4 princess cut diamonds on each side. And, no I didn't get to backhand SK with it, since it is getting sized, I didn't have it before she left for maternity leave...

Oh yeah, about SK? Freedom until January 1, 2010.

July 4, 1911- May 18, 2009

It is finished and my heart is broken. :(

Ice Storm in NYC

Does anyone know how long you have to wait before you should change your facebook status? ;)

Emergency Trip

I have moved up my Italy plans to the 25th of May. Grams is not doing well, and has been in the hospital for over 2 weeks now. She had a small stroke on top of a lung collapse, and has not eaten solid food for 14 days. She is on an IV, but has lost a lot of weight, and just wants to sleep all the time.

I got a call from my dad at 5am this morning saying that she wants to see my sister and I so that she can go in peace. I was a wreck. (still am, btw.) All I remember thinking was that when she came here for my bro's wedding, she showed my the box that had the clothes that she wanted to be buried in and told me that I was the only one she trusted to make sure she got her wishes met. I hope she was not referring to that when asking for the fam.

I can't handle this.

Quick Notes

Thanks for the support regarding SK baby shower! I edited the previous post to say that, I didn't even read it, which is funny because all I do at work is proofread documents.

I have delegated most of the planning to a staff member, who will do all the work, since in my company "take the lead" means delegating to the peons below you on the hierarchy chain. A $20 dollar cake and some chips and dip. She should be happy with that shit, since no one wants to donate anything towards a gift. lol.

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Some sad news, my grams is really ill.

She is 98 years old and has been in the hospital for a week. They are doing a ton of tests to see what is wrong, and so far the only thing they have found is that she had a mini stroke. She is having trouble breathing and won't eat anything.

It's funny because this woman had a pacemaker inserted at age 95 and still flew here for my brother's wedding 3 months later. She is a strong, stubborn lady, but my dad flew to Italy on Monday to be there just in case. Kind of sucks since we were all planning to go there in July for her b-day. Send her your prayers please.

No Means No! Except At Work--Edited

Edited to say baby shower. You all know I have bridal on the brain. ;)

Listen to this:

Sidekick is leaving for maternity leave on May 20th. Office Mate and I received an email a few weeks ago regarding a baby shower for her. We both ignored it, and figured to let one of SK's cronies from her clique throw it.

Fast forward to today. I get a call from the director of the unit, requesting me to "take the lead" on hosting this fucking shower. I wanted to ignore it and hope it would go away, but no. Basically, I was strong-armed into throwing a bridal shower for someone I hate.

Kill me now. The reason I was selected from the bevy of volunteers (NOT!)? Because I have suffered, I mean, worked with her in this unit the longest. Bullshit.

The positive side of this? I get 9 months of freedom, in that she will not be back from leave until January 1, 2010.

Small favors people. :)

The Ultimatum

I have gotten a few comments and some emails about the ultimatum that I gave Dirty, so I will give you all the details. Please note that I act extremely bitchy in this post; if you only want to hear about the rainbows and unicorn version of this blog, skip this post. :)

For the past few months Dirty and I have peripherally speaking about marriage. I have mentioned before that due to his unemployment, he has been focused on wedding stuff, going so far as to sign up for a wedding related website under MY name. I digress.

All this wedding talk was getting me frustrated; and I finally broke and told him that unless he was serious enough to run out a get a ring to put on my finger that he needed to shut the f up about getting married. He got offended that I didn't think he was serious. Whatevs. It was a blow-up that got quickly squashed.

Fast forward to the day he found out that he had gotten the job. I was so excited for him (but more for me thinking that the ring was on its way). The first thing out of his mouth? Wow, now I can afford to buy the convertible bar for my car. Jigga What? I told him that the first thought in his head should be buying me a ring, since we had to put it on hold when he got laid off.

Ready for the kicker? He said that we have only been dating 2 years and that we hardly know each other. He needs time.

My mouth dropped open. I was like WTF? 2 years and you don't know someone. Dude, I hear you fart in your sleep. I think we have passed the point of trying to impress each other.

Anyway, I just told him flat out that if he wanted to waste time, he could find a 19 year old to waste time with, but since he decides to be with me, and I will be 33 in September, he needs to get his ass in gear and shit or get off the pot, and that if by December 31, 2009, he was still constipated, I was out. (Just to clarify, I am also not accepting a waiting until the last minute ring, it may be funny and cute, for Christmas or New Year's Eve, but no.)

After I said it, I felt so relieved. I didn't realize that I was holding so much anger and rage towards him about that. It just melted away. Since then, we have not discussed it, and he has not mentioned wedding stuff to me; and I like it that way. For me it is better not to be a topic of conversation, to get my hopes up unnecessarily.

So like I said, the clock is ticking...271 days left.

We Have Lift-Off... Finally

After 8 months of unemployment, Dirty finally got an offer and accepted a position. He starts working on Monday, April 6th. He wanted it that way. The work is very different from the work before, but he is happy and I am happy for him.

He will be working for an energy company drafting plans for building that have decided to go "green". Gone are the days of working for luxury brands, getting crazy perks; in its place is working for a hippie company whose CEO wears Birkenstocks with socks in the office. Culture shock for him to say the least.

With that, the clock has officially started ticking. He is well aware of the fact that if by the end of this year, we are not engaged, I am finished with this relationship. Yes, I gave an ultimatum. I'm not proud of it, but whatevs. I explained that he has gotten a pass due to his unemployment, but since he will be working, and with a more than ample salary (hippies pay very well; who knew?), he has no excuse. NONE. It will kill me, however, I am not going to be the ass waiting forever for him to decide what he wants to do.

I am working on my own timetable now, and if he can't get on my timetable, too effing bad.

Back Into It

What is this? 2 blog posts in the space of a week? Oh yes. I spoil you guys. :)

To start, I finally got my Secret Santa card. In March!! I know that Nic sent it in ample time, should I be blaming the US Postal Service or the country it was mailed from? ;) It totally brightened my day when I opened the mailbox and found that there, so thanks to Nic for sending it.

On the work front, since Sidekick is going on maternity leave shortly, she has been on a rampage with all of her crazy demands and such. It has been so busy that the girls night that I had been trying to schedule since before Christmas finally happened last weekend. It was so nice to just get together with Penny and just chill and relax in sweatpants and gossip about everything. Then I got the shits, but that is besides the point. :) The Shamrock cookies courtesy of Cakes were the best part of the evening.

Things with Dirty's mother have calmed a bit. We have been having long talks about future plans and it looks like since he is an only child, we are going to be stuck with her living with us at some point. And by living with us, I mean having an apartment in the house we eventually live in. I am not sure how I feel about it 100%, but you better believe that I have already laid down some heavy duty boundaries if and when this goes down. I'll post some of my demands later on, but just know that my space is MY SPACE. I make ALL decisions with regards to my home. You want to paint the walls in your apartment purple? Feel free. You commenting on my living room color choice? Hell No. Oh, and she WILL be paying rent. And that did not come from me.

My other issue is that Dirty is pressing the marriage thing hard. Ok, so I may contradict myself in the next couple of paragraphs, but its my blog and I do what I want. Since he has so much time on his hands due to being unemployed, he has been studying for his architecture certification tests, and watching bridal shows. He is all about bridal stuff on WE TV. Bridezillas, Platinum Weddings, Rich Bride, Poor Bride, etc. He watches them all, and then gives me a headache with all of the corrections he would make and other ideas he has for our upcoming wedding. Hmm, last time I checked there was no ring on the finger yet, so it kind of pisses me off when he goes on and on about seared tuna hors d'oeuvres and what types of flowers would work best for a November wedding. P.S.: did I mention that he wants to get married in November? Yeah. I think I am dating a gay wedding planner. At least when the time comes, I can delegate all that shit to him and just find some dress that won't make me look like Princess Poofball.

So that's where I'm at. Maybe if your lucky, you'll get another post in a few days. :)

I'm Still Here...Are You?

So this whole posting once a month thing sucks for me. I have been so busy at work; to the point of taking work home on the weekends and I don't get to share my feelings when I have them. Unfortunately, when the economy is in the shitter, my work doubles. I guess I should be grateful that I still have a job, so I'll stop complaining now.

Let me start at the beginning:

Dirty and I have been in limbo for months since he became unemployed about moving forward, getting married, etc. For the past few weeks, he has been seriously talking about getting married at City Hall. The reason? Medical Insurance. Have I considered it? Yes. Why? I really am not into the whole rigmarole of wedding planning. It would be the easiest and best option. I can't see myself in a poufy white dress with a 400+ person reception. That is reality in my humongous Italian family. On the other hand, I really couldn't do that to my parents. I mentioned to my mother once about getting married at the reception venue, and you would think she got the vapors. Please. Mrs. Holy Catholic cannot have a daughter get married outside of the church. Whatevs. I am more concerned about the cash that we would miss out on with such a small wedding.

Another barrier to this is Dirty's mother. I know that I have mentioned my issues with her before but here is the full drama. Feel free to tell me I am a spoiled brat or worse. I already know.

Long story short: She was married to Dirty's father for 40 years. Dirty's father cheated on her with some lady in Miami while she was recovering from spinal surgery. Dirtbag. Anyway, when she found out they divorced, and DF moved to Miami. Since then she has been dependent on Dirty, financially and emotionally. Lately there have been times where she has been inappropriately involved in Dirty's life and I have been extremely vocal to him when it comes to her and her involvement in things that should not concern her. Dirty is noble to a fault and while he realizes that she oversteps boundaries, he will continue to defend her as his mother. I don't fault him for that. However, when it directly affects me and our relationship, I get angry and frustrated with him. I'll give you a quick example. We were visiting some of his family and his aunt asked me if I was finished renovating my apartment. Dirty's mother jumped in and said something like, Oh it must be so comfortable there because my son spends more time there than with me. I felt like shit, and when I mentioned it to Dirty, he told me that he thought she was joking, but he could see how it could be misconstrued. Um, ok. Anyway, he spoke with her and she apologized and said she was kidding. I took it. Whatevs. The thing that bothers me most of all is that she won't get in her place. Behind me. I am #1 now, and she needs to recognize that.

Bring on the flames for that last comment. :p

Anyway, enough about my relationship drama. Settle in kids; it's time for a Sidekick story!

We have been so busy lately, and in the midst of all this craziness we got audited from our funding source. Guess who came to audit? Can't guess? Tall_Trees_. Hell yes! It was so random and hilarious that she was BEGGING SK for a job. Thankfully she knows better now, so she rejected her, but whew, it was close.

SK is about 6 months pregnant now, and you still can't tell. Not because she hs carrying small, or she had a hot body; but because she was always so fat that she just looks fatter now. No belly or anything, just an extra roll added to the basket. Everytime I go into her office I gag because it either smells like greasy Chinese food or McDonalds. Diet of champions for her new growing baby BOY. She is already planning on putting the baby in commercials and acting. Since she has failed at that, she will torture her child with it. Oh, didn't I mention that SK is a struggling actress? She is and has her headshots all up on her Facebook page. Don't ask me how I know. I just do. LOL.

So that is basically where I am at now. I am curious to hear your opinions on the Dirty's mother situation.

P.S.: I know I have been crap with visiting and commenting on your blogs. I'll get better, I promise. (also flirting with the new computer geek at work helped me get my computer unblocked). <3

Been Slacking Crazy

I'm still here, busy as hell. I will try to post something sometime this week; work has been kicking my ass, I had a crazy contagious rash, and lost 5 lbs.

I miss all you guys and have been sneakily reading at work, but haven't had a chance to comment because some blogs are blocked (!) at work. Did you say a bad word so that my hyper-sensitive social service Websense got offended?

I'll be back soon. Promise.

I've Been a Bad Blogger...

Since my last post on 12/29/08, a couple of things have happened. To expedite your reading and for me avoiding carpal tunnel, I give you the abridged, bulleted version.

1. I had my disciplinary meeting with Sidekick at our HR department. The funniest part of the meeting was that she couldn't even look me in the eye. It makes her crazy that I am calm and collected in high stress situations. She was pressing and pressing in the meeting to the point where even the HR rep told her to cool it. Whatevs. I had all of my documentation from the doctors, emails to her regarding the temperature in the office and emails sent from me on the days I worked from home (all of which she neglected to mention to the HR rep.). Basically I got a verbal warning and was told to monitor my time and attendance. Considering we had this meeting on the last freaking day of the year, the entire meeting was moot because on January 1, our sick time renews.

2. Since that meeting, I have sent out a few resumes, but it is really rough out there. Hopefully in the next few months something will open up because I have honestly had it with this place. The thing that pisses me off is that the job is easy, the people that I work with are cool, it is just her that ruins it. I can't wait until she goes on maternity leave, so that I can get her off my back. A bit of karma for you: she was told initially that she was having a girl, she went out and bought a bunch of girly things on sale. She was so excited telling me in a meeting about this. Last week she went for an updated sonogram (I don't know preggo talk) and she found out that she was having a BOY! She was so pissed because she had bought all this crazy, non-refundable crap. I was dying laughing on the inside. She has also been going crazy trying to figure out what hereditary diseases her baby can be born with. You know since she can't ask the baby daddy, who was basically a nameless one night stand. Karma is beautiful sometimes.

OK enough about work and SK, on to real life:

1. Dirty is still out of work. It is killing me. He is busting his ass doing side jobs and trying to scrape money together, but it is hard. His mother is being extremely difficult about the situation, which is forging a gap between us. Did you ever meet someone that was noble to a fault? That's Dirty and it is pissing me off. I will get into more detail at a later date, so keep this in your pocket for a minute.

2. The crackies are still upstairs. To make my life even better, those fuckers never realized that their radiator was leaking. Where did it leak? In my freaking bedroom. I called my girl Patty in the maintenance office and she gave me some BS excuse about why they have not been evicted. Again I say that buying this apartment was the biggest freaking mistake of my life. If the housing market wasn't so bad right now, I would put that bitch up for sale and move back with my parents. That's how done I am with that.

3. My family is planning a trip to Italy in July for my Grandmothers 98th birthday. I am so excited, and I am hoping that nothing happens between now and then to mess with this trip. It is the only thing I am looking forward to right now.

4. I started really buckling down to do something about my weight. I am sick of carrying around the excess weight, and I feel depressed. I have been monitoring my diet and have been walking everywhere lately. I wear a pedometer every day to count my steps, but I need to get back to the gym. Sooner rather than later.

5. With all the GI issues I have had, I was sent for an allergy test to see if something was exacerbating my condition. Turns out, I am allergic to a few things, most unfortunately tannin, found in red wine. :( So my most favorite alcohol in the world is out, along with a whole list of foods and drinks that have it. Bummer.

6. I have also been so lax with checking other blogs and commenting. Lately I have been subscribing to the blogs in Google Reader, which is not blocked at work, so I am able to read while I should be working, since lately all I have been doing when I get home is putting my pajamas on and getting into bed. Don't be offended that I am not commenting, blame it on the man that is trying to keep me down.

Hugsies

Tis the Season

Wow, I can't believe that my last post was on 12/12. Oh wait, yes I can. I have been slacking big time.

I hope everyone had a great holiday, whatever your persuasion. I did, but not after some drama between me and Dirty. I haven't really gotten into it here, but we have a mother situation, namely his, and her getting into our business. I'll leave that situation to discuss for another day, because it is a doozy.

My Christmas was great, nice and quiet. I got many gifts, all of which I wanted, so that was great. I think that everyone was happy with the gifts they got, and if they weren't I haven't heard anything.

My other awesome Christmas gift was when I returned to work, I found an email from Sidekick stating that she is taking me to HR for a disciplinary meeting regarding my time and attendance. Funny, someone that is never at work complaining about my time and attendance, but whatevs. Part of me doesn't even want to fight this with her. It is a losing battle. She gets a feral look in her eye when she is taking someone for discipline and she truly enjoys people suffer. It is tomorrow 12/30 at 11am. So I'll be starting the new year off right. :P

I'll keep you guys posted if I get fired and then I will have plenty of time to write the story of Dirty's mom and how she is ruining my relationship. Dun Dun Dun.... dramatic ending.

Cookie Exchange: Walnut Tarts

Everytime we have a special occasion, my mom makes these slamming cookies. They are often imitated, never duplicated. When looking at her recipe card for this, it was a bit, um sparse and not very clear direction-wise. As with all great bakers that have a few years under their belts, she mostly makes these by feel and sight. So, in order to give you guys the real recipe and not make you fail at making these, I turned to the internet, where I found these tarts under a few different names; TeaTime Tassies, Walnut Tarts, Aunt B's Cookie Cups, you get the picture.

Anyway, here is the recipe. They sort of taste like a mini-pecan pie, but with walnuts. Crispy and chewy. They are a bit labor intensive, but totally worth it.

DOUGH:
4 sticks real butter, softened

2 (8 oz.) cream cheese, softened

4 1/2 c. sifted flour

FILLING:
1 lb. box light brown sugar

5 eggs

3 tbsp. melted butter

1 tbsp. vanilla

1 (8 oz.) bag walnuts-ground

Small tart pans

Dough: Place flour in a bowl. Cut in butter and cream cheese until particles are fine. Work it into a dough and roll into small balls and refrigerate overnight.

Filling: Do not make filling until you are ready to use the next day. Blend together with mixer the first 4 ingredients. Add ground walnuts to mixture with spoon.

Place balls in 2 ungreased tart pans. Press with thumb and work dough up to the top of the pan. Fill in 2/3 full of filling.

Bake at 350 degrees for 18-20 minutes or until crust is light brown. To remove tarts - lift up with a knife and lift out with hands. Place on a wire rack to cool. Sprinkle with powdered sugar.

Makes about 8 pans or more. If you don't want that many tarts, you can cut the dough ingredients in half, but do not cut the filling in half.

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Don't blame me if you get addicted. I'm dealing with my own withdrawl. :)

Thanksgiving Rewind

I didn't get a chance to post before Thanksgiving, because I have been so busy at work. Since Sidekick is pregs, you KNOW she has been pushing off work on me and Co-Worker. All of our meetings consist of her talking about her pregnancy and all related nonsense about that. I feel like I do therapy in those meetings. What a waste of time.

Anyway, Thanksgiving was great, ate a ton and had leftovers. My nieces first bday came and she is such a cool baby. We had a party for her and she was into everything. She ate pasta and a meatball. She OFFICIALLY got the chance to eat ice cream, and loves it. I say officially because my sister and I have been slipping it to her undercover for months now. Hey, it's milk, right?

Getting ready for the big budget holidays now. I am putting up my tree this week and need to send out my Christmas cards. I have 55 people on that list, so I need to get my ass in gear and start writing. I am also attempting to bake some cookies this season. Now most of you may know that I am an awesome cook, (I am so modest), but I suck so hardcore at baking. I will change it this year. I am participating in the Virtual Cookie exchange here with one of my mother's signature cookies so watch out!

My Christmas shopping is almost done. All I have left are my parents and they are the hardest to shop for. I went real cheap-o with everyone this year because I want to take a trip to Italy next year. Is that selfish of me? Whatevs, Jesus loves me.

***Updated*** Another Unbelievable Story for My Email Friend

****So, I posted something this morning that didn't get published; hence the empty post. Because I am a computer geek in disguise, I have been able to find and repost it. P.S.: This also teaches me not to write massive posts and try to post them from my cell phone. Lesson learned.

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Everyone remember the T drama with Potato Head? Well this is another T story, but for this one we gotta step in the time machine and go way back to 2001.

T dated this guy; we call him Shitface for purposes of this blog; for about 5 years starting in 1996. Sf is FDNY and according to T the hottest (ha) thing since hell. I beg to differ, but I digress. Anyway, she was so in love with him and thought that they would get married. They were inseparable. They started a bank account together with the express purpose of using the money for a wedding. Fast forward to 2001 and September 11th. Everyone knows what happened that day, and with Sf being a firefighter, it was a rough time. Understandably. A few months after 9/11, Sf tells T that he doesn't know if he wants to get married, he is going through a lot and can't stand to put T through the hell that he is going through. They break up in February of 2002.

Christmas of 2002 finds Sf engaged to another girl. T is devastated that less than 1 year since their breakup, he is engaged to someone else. She has NEVER gotten over it.

Step back to the present.

I'm on the train going to my house and Sf is on it with a bunch of his firefighter buddies. They are all bombed and drinking Bud Lights. I'm texting Dirty and look up to see him from my seat. To make a long story short, he approaches me and asks me about T. After 6 years. He is how the conversation went:

Sf standing in the aisle over my shoulder reeking of cheap beer: Hey do you know a girl named T?

Me: No

Sf: Are you sure you don't know a girl named T?

Me: No, please leave me alone

Sf: I could swear that you were this girl that was friends with a girl I used to know. T Mc T?

Me: No, dude I think you need to lay off the Bud Lights.

This is the point where his cronies started making fun of him for trying to talk
to a girl and getting rebuffed. For the rest of the trip, he was staring at me
shaking his head.

I debated on whether or not to tell T, and decided to tell her. Guess what? She gets mad at me for not telling him the truth. Um, sorry, I thought I was protecting you. This fucker is the reason that she is fucking half of the NYC population and can't move on to a stable relationship.
And she expects me to sit there and have a conversation to catch up with him like nothing happened? F that noise. The funny part of it is that she would have gotten angry either way.

Whatevs. He is losing his hair.

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Sidebar on the Sidekick situation: Apparently it has been found out that the baby's father is NOT the ex-husband, but a One Night Stand that she had when she was going through her "questioning" phase. Maury anyone?

It Is What It Is

I received an email today, and while I won't disclose who it was that sent it to me, there was a disturbing tone that I would like to address here. This is the email in question:

I just started reading your blog and have a hard time beleiving some of the stories you wrote on there. The storied that you write about your boyfirend seem kind of unbeleiveable to me. If you are so proid of your life, why don't you ever put pictures of him or you on there. You have created a fantasy land for yourself because you don't show us who you really are. do you think that ppl really want to hear about your fake perfect life? and how you judge ppl about the stuff that you think they do wrong? what rigth you have to make comments like that about ppl when you are no better off then they are. you write nasty things towards people
that are your firends. how do you treat your emenies then? I think you are pregnant and need to get a pregnancy test. how do you like that?

I have left all of the spelling and grammatical errors intact. Let me first explain that I rarely explain anything in my private life, and I don't know why I have decided to explain myself here, only that I have.

Everything that is written on this blog is the truth. I may change minor details, like names or identifying information, but it is all me. To make mention that some of my stories are fabricated or that I am not showing my true self on here is a load of shit. If some of the stories on here seem unbelievable, they are. It is my life and what I post here is from my perspective. You may not like what I have to say, and that is fine, but I am certainly not going to curb my writing for someone who doesn't know me or what I am about.

I have chosen to remain anonymous, not because I am ashamed of anything in my life, moreso it is so that I can be free and honest and not have to worry about how people in "real life" would feel about what I write. I don't feel that showing my picture is relevant for what I am using this blog for. I started this blog as a journal to keep my thoughts together during a tough time. If you go through the archives, it is all there. This is who I am and what I chose to write. I can be as judgemental and hateful as I want on here, because it is MY blog. If you don't like it, you can click the Next Blog option on the toolbar.

I'm done with my rant about that.

Now check this out from this morning:

Homegirl never got the memo about it being November. BTW, it was 42 degrees this morning. Fahrenheit. She was wearing a winter coat, scarf, gloves and flip-flops. In NY, in the fall. Yeah.

PS: To my email friend: Spell check never hurt anyone. :)

Papa Don't Preach

Considering all the changes that have been happening in this country lately, I should never be surprised when crazy, unbelievable stuff happens close to home.

I have been dealing the the migraine to end all migraines for the past week. In addition to the stress from work; the drop in barometric pressure and the icebox that is my office, I got sick. Really sick. Vomiting, diarrhea, you know all that good stuff. I was out of work for 3 days.

Of course, while I was out I missed some scandalous gossip. It always happens like that doesn't it?

Ready for it?

Sidekick is PREGNANT.

Pick up your jaw off the floor.

I know. Apparently, she got knocked up before she became a lesbian, and didn't know it until she missed her periodS. Yes, she missed 2 periods before she decided to get a pregnancy test. She is currently living with her new girlfriend, and the only way that her ex- husband has access to her is to visit her at work. She is keeping the baby, she is having a girl and she showed me the ultrasound pictures today.

I can't even imagine what her mood swings will be like now that she has a reason to be moody.

Socialservice.com here I come.

11/04/2008

I've been silent lately partly because I feel like I have nothing important to say and partly because I have been so busy at work. I promise to get back in the swing of things, but bear with me... its been a rough few weeks. Another reason to thank God for the NKOTB; they took my mind off some crazy shit that has been brewing for a while.

VOTE, VOTE, VOTE.

It is one of the greatest gifts we are given as Americans. It doesn't matter who you vote for, just that you do.


My name is Sloane and I approved this message.

I Was 14 Again and a Sidebar

For the most part I consider myself mature for my age. At 32, I work full time, carry a mortgage, am in a serious relationship, and put money away in my savings account. Real adult.

However, last night I regressed to my 14 year old self with braces and crisply crimped bad hair. Why? The New Kids on the Block concert. Penny and I went and had a BLAST!!!

They are AMAZING live and so hot. The opening acts were a little suspect, but I think it meant to highlight the awesomeness that are the NKOTB. I mean, I really felt all tingly inside when they first came out and when Penny and I jumped out of our seats and started singing and dancing along with the songs, I realized that I am just faking the funk with all my adult business, and deep down inside I am still a perpetual 14 year old. Could be worse. :P

P.S.: I am totally buying the Property of Donnie shirt for myself from their website.

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Now for the sidebar:

I have been reading the Twilight series, and have seen the trailers for the movies, and would like to go on record as saying that I think the movie will suck. It will never reach the levels of awesomeness that HP did, and I'm a little sad about that.

Shocker, I know. Hear me out:

While the story of the book would make an excellent movie, from the previews, I don't think that they are respecting the nature of the book. I don't think that the actors playing Bella and Edward display any sort of chemistry together onscreen and I also think that their acting seems stilted.

We will see on 11/21. I hope I'm wrong, but the vividness of the story that I have in my mind is NOT what I see in that trailer. I mean, I am still going to see the movie, but that is neither here nor there. Make it happen Twilight people. Prove me wrong!

I Cheated and It Feels So Good

Yes, I was cheating on the one person that has seen me through thick, thin and anything in between. I am surprised how easy it was, and how I don't feel remorse for it. Usually I am wracked with guilt and tend to stay away from anyone similar, but I couldn't hold it anymore. I think that it was over a long time ago, and he gave me the courage to admit it.

So last night, I told him that it was over. He took it well. It was time. We'll still see each other from time to time, on special days, and maybe if I need some comfort. We made a plan to see some movies together. I will always hold a special place in my heart for him, but I have moved on.

To him. The hottest hottie that ever hotted. Hot damn, I've never felt like this before. Well I have, but never like this. I realize now that the old boy was a school-yard crush. He has become my everything. In short I have become so obsessed in a short time. I want to be with him all the time. I was considering taking a day off from work to be with him. Crazy I know.

You know what though? He will never feel the same about me. He already has too many girls after him, so I will be content to view his escapades from afar. :(

So Harry, I'm sorry that it had to end this way, but I'm with Edward now. Stop looking at me sadly from the bookshelf. I saw you trying to remove your dust cover, so that I would be enticed back. Those tricks will never work on me! I have made my decision and hope you understand. Dirty did.

Caution! Your Eyes May Bleed!

I was minding my own business today, standing waitng for the deli guy to make my scrumptious sandwich of mozzarella and tomato with pesto sauce on foccaccia bread, when I looked down and my eyes were assaulted by this:

Discuss.

Last time I checked it was 2008, right? Right? WTF is someone doing buying acid washed jeans and WHITE slouchy boots that tie? Maybe I'm backwards fashion-wise, but this girl didn't look old enough to be BORN in the 80's, let alone love the style so much that she needed to bring it back. Maybe it's just me?

P.S.: aren't you jealous of my super stealth picture snappin' skillz? I know you are. :)

Can a Bitch Get a Good Nights Sleep?

Since I started dating Dirty, I 've known of his massive snoring issue. Now I can deal with snoring, I'm a pretty good sleeper, but since our vacation to South America earlier this year, his snoring has been out of control, so much to the point where we have started sleeping apart when we are together because I cannot get a full night's sleep in the same bed.

I have been bugging, OK NAGGING, him to go get a sleep test. I am convinced that he has sleep apnea; he will start gasping for breath in the middle of the night, and wakes up with no recollection of it. 2 weeks ago was the last straw. He was sleeping in the second bedroom at my apartment and I woke up because I heard him gasping for air. When I went into the room he was covered in sweat, and still dead asleep. I tried for almost 10 minutes to wake him up gently, so as not to shock him awake, but finally after watching him turn purple, I started shaking him like crazy. He woke up, and didn't realize that he was almost choking to death.

The next morning I made him an appointment for a sleep test. Long story short, he does have apnea. During the 8 hour test, he had 220 sleep interruptions. The standard for adults is between 8-10 per night. So, yeah. He went for 2 follow-up examinations and in 2 weeks he will be fitted for a CPAP machine. Thank god. I was envisioning separate bedrooms for the rest of my life. Where would I put my feet if they got cold?

I am excited now to be able to share the bed again. I was starting to feel a little dirty, you know, get laid and get out. I will say that Dirty has been very understanding about being banished to the Aerobed, especially since it is a twin size. I'm sure that waking him up with a BJ doesn't figure into that equation at all. ;)

32

So yesterday was my birthday, and I went to my cousin's engagement party, which was really good. The food was awesome and they surprised me with a cake at the end. Really nice of them.

Let me start out by saying that birthdays are really important to me, and it is not about the gifts, but the thoughts behind it.

All day last week Dirty was working a side job with my Dad on some blueprints that needed revisions. He does that sometimes, and especially now that he is out of work, he does it more often.

Of course I was nagging him about my bday and what he was going to do. Little did I know that he was planning a party for me all along.

My sister called me on Thursday night and asked to borrow my car. We made plans to meet after work and go to my apartment to pick up my car. While we were on the train, she told me that she needed to go to the bathroom when we go to my house. Then Dirty called and told me he was making wings for dinner and to ask my sister if she wanted to stay. She was hemming and hawing like she always does, and I had no clue. Anyway, we got to my house and went upstairs. When I opened the door, I saw my whole family and Dirty in my apartment. I was really surprised.

Anyway, he made dinner for everyone by himself. Listen to this menu:

Bruschetta with Tomato and Basil

Mozzarella and Tomato Salad

Mussels with White Wine and Garlic

Linguine with Clam Sauce

Clambake with Lobster, Crab Legs, Shrimp, Potato and Corn

Honey Glazed Ham

Green Beans

The only thing he bought was the ice cream cake that I wanted. Let me tell you, he busted his ass cooking, and everything was delicious. Of course I got tons of presents, all of which I wanted and love, love, love.

The Arugula, Salad Greens and Romaine packs for my Aerogarden

Cash Money- always accepted

Day of Beauty at the Spa- mani/pedi/facial/haircut (I chopped all my hair off again.)

Cooking show DVDs

Underwear and tank tops

and my fave gift of all from Dirty, this toaster oven with convection feature:

I already broke it in. Saturday I made pizza and baked a loaf of bread in it. Awesome!

No engagement ring, and yesterday at the engagement party, there was too much heat on me getting engaged for my birthday. I am fine that it didn't happen, because I would have to sacrifice one of my other gifts. I'm no dummy. :)

Baby Daddys and Sidekick Gossip... It's Your Lucky Day!

So most of you remember my friend T? Go here and here if you want a refresher. I am happy to say that she has stopped messing with Potato Head once and for all. Why, you ask? Well apparently he got another girl knocked up. She is currently 4 1/2 month pregs. Now for you super duper math majors out there who can add 2 and 2 together, you will notice that he was banging his baby's mama at the same time that he was banging T. Gotta love a douchebag.

Don't feel too bad for T though; during the time she was messing with PH, she started dating another dude, who ironically has an 11 year old son. She is taking it pretty well that she comes second to a kid, but we'll see what happens.

***********************************
Now on to the greatest story that will ever be told to you in your life. Snuggle up on the couch in your pajamas with a cup of hot cocoa, because it is THAT good. You may even need a cigarette after. (although I don't condone smoking).

Picture it: September 2006. Sloane starts working at the agency. She meets Penny and her supervisor, Sidekick. Sidekick had just gotten engaged and was showing off her pebble to anyone with eyes. Fast forward to February, when she got married. Everything is hunky dory. Penny and I would speculate about certain suspicious comments she made every once and again.

Fast forward to July 2008. Sloane notices that Sidekick is not wearing her wedding rings, and that she has gained a TON of weight. (Now, you may be saying to yourself: But Sloane, how is it possible that she can get any fatter. Trust me, she can.) I bring up the issue of no wedding rings to Penny and she drops the bomb that Sidekick and her husband are getting a divorce.

Who? What? When? Where? Why?. Well, Sidekick got trashed one night and couldn't go home because she had been kicked out and called a friend to pick her up. She told the friend that her husband kicked her out because she was a lesbian. But wait, there's more.

The husband allegedly found Sidekick in bed with her lover. In an extremely compromising position. OK, you dragged it out of me. 69. Not really a position you can play off as not being what it is. He took the rings and kicked her and her girlfriend out of the house. But wait, it gets better.

She moved in with her girlfriend, who is a personal trainer. Now you may be saying: But Sloane, if her girlfriend is a personal trainer why is she so fat? Good question, maybe the gf is a chubby chaser. Who knows.

The best part of the whole story is that this past Monday, a process server came to the office to officially serve her with the divorce papers. Initially I had thought it was paperwork from a case that a disgruntled client was filing against the agency, but no. I walked around the entire building with the security guard and the process server to find her because she was not in her office. I didn't stay when I found her in her SUPERVISORS office, but when I spoke with the security guard after the fact, he told me that her face was priceless. Damn sorry I missed that.

So Sidekick is officially a lesbian. A big fat one.** :)

By the way, I have already booked my tickets to hell. It is seat 8H, first class of course, and it's a window seat. Care to join me? Tickets are going fast!

Hugsies

***************
P.S.: As an FYI, the agency that offered me the job earlier this summer then rescinded? They just posted an ad for the same position. Hmp.

**P.P.S.: Please note that I love the gays. My issue with her is that she is more concerned with appearances than being true to herself, which makes her a miserable, self-hating gay who takes out her self loathing on everyone else. Her wedding was just for show, as is her persona at work.

Meet My Baby

Yesterday I went and bought my new Nano. I bought the red one again. All of the colors are really nice in person, but a little off. Like they are all metallic-y and maybe a shade too dark or too light. My new Nano is also half the size of my old one, and the screen is larger and so fancy.

I love the fact that if you shake it the song changes; it really works great on the subway where I must have scrolled through 8 different songs. NOT! I must remember to put the hold button on before embarking on my commute.

What I love most of all is the Genius feature. Aw, my Nano takes after it's mom! You click on the Genius feature and it plays songs similar to the one before. No more scrolling through playlists and random songs for my gangsta rap! Awesome. I heart you little red Nano that could.

Now for a rant:

I live in NYC, the greatest city in the world. I am proud of my city. I love that people come here to visit, I do. However, dear tourists, a few tips for you that will be found in no guidebook.

1. Please refrain from wearing identifying clothing. This included matching hats, t-shirts, etc. If you want to blend in, wear regular clothing. You may as well wear a sign that says "I AM A TOURIST. PLEASE FUCK WITH ME". Because we will.
   
   
2. If you deign to take a subway car, please refrain from commenting on the style, color, make and model. It's the subway, it goes underground with rats and germ infested water. Do you expect club chairs and carpeting? What do you want for 2 dollars in the most expensive city in the world? Also, please note that wrapping your body around the center pole is not any safer that holding it with one hand. You look ridiculous.
   
   
3. Please avoid taking public transportation during rush hour. You and your group of 50 bingo champions wearing matching yellow hats are holding me and my fellow NYC'ers up when you don't understand to GTF out of the way when people get on and off the train.
   
   
4. Please keep your conversations to a dull roar. No one cares that your last visit to NYC was in 1965. Things have changed since then. Why do you think that everyone wears headphones? Because we don't want to hear YOU at 8am. Never did I realize this until the last few days without my I-Pod. It made my heart cry.

So if you are thinking of visiting NYC, print the above out and make a nice little wallet sized card to carry with you at all times.

Hugs.

I Blame Donnie, Jordan, Danny, Joey and Jonathan

I lost my I-Pod. Well, it was taken from me when I least expected it. I listen to it during the day when I have to drown out the whines and complaints of clients and staff. I have a bad habit of leaving it out in the open on my desk. I've been lectured on doing that by so many people, so I can only blame myself.

Friday, I was listening to some old school NKOTB songs (don't judge me!), and left it on my desk when I went to a meeting. Lo and behold, when I came back it was gone. I was more pissed that I had to ride the train without my sound barriers. I don't get emotional about losing my stuff like that. If someone is so hard up that they need to steal my I-Pod, they are welcome to it. I am grateful that I am able to buy another one and that my birthday is coming up, so that I may not need to buy one after all.

So my question is should I stick with the red color or go crazy with another one? Blue would match my phone, but yellow is nice and summery. Thoughts please!

P.S.: I promise I will lock this one up with my bag and listen to music from the computer from now on.