Thursday, December 14, 2006

Sometimes You Have Too Much Time On Your Hands

Here are two pictures that I have done Andy Warhol style. The first one is my Sloane cartoon, the second is a real picture of me, somehow missing the entire middle of my face. Oh well, they still look hot. They will be even hotter printed on photo paper and hung in frames on my wall. This is my holiday gift to myself.


Wednesday, December 13, 2006

2006 Christmas List

Since all the haters* claim that I am spoiled (see here, here, and here for evidence), an accusation which I have never denied, I am posting my Christmas list. Moreover, because my birthday was extravagant, this list is minimal. See, I am all about equality.

1. The North Face Applique Nuptse jacket 700 down fill-Black: NYC Winters are really, really cold.

2. Thai Style Mortar and Pestle: An addition to my collection of kitchen gadgets; also can be used as a handy weapon, as it probably weighs as much as I go. P.S. Size does matter in this case, bigger = better.

3. ProductRED iPod Nano: It’s time I upgrade, and what better upgrade than to an iPod in my favorite color?

So… that’s it; I think split between my family, this is nothing. Not like a $500 GPS system that my sister wants.


*I need to retire this word in favor of something newer, but it fits my purposes today.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Drips and Drabs

In an attempt to make our social service agency sound much more professional than it is, AssBoss and her Sidekick like to use proactive doubletalk that really means nothing to my logical, common sense brain. The straw that broke the camel’s back however, is the overuse of the phrase “Going Forward”. Fast forward to this morning; in my email, the following definition from Urban Dictionary*.


I know that the past few posts have been sort of dismal, but I think that I am coming out of funk. It is the end-of year blues catching up with me. I guess it also doesn't help that every guy that I meet either has a girlfriend**, or gets a girlfriend, after I hook up with them.


* Yes, I get the urban word of the day emailed to me…what of it? That’s why my slang game is so tight. I keep it real, yo.

**Obviously, I don't know about the girlfriend situation at the time, I find out after the fact. I don't like doing that. Although, lately, my thought is: If he doesn't care about his girlfriend, why should I? And yes, I have been cheated on in a relationship.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Depression is Anger on the Inside

Usually when I am in a funk, I avoid blogging because I don’t want to wallow in my own self pity like a pig in shit. However, it has come to my attention that it would be bad form to break down and cry on the subway surrounded by strangers. Therefore, I am writing about what is happening around me in hopes that it will make me feel a bit better. I feel like a spectator on my own life wondering why I am acting like such a baby about things beyond my control.

So here is my list of why I am depressed:

1. I lost another apartment that I bid on. That makes 2. I know that when it is meant to be, it will happen, but it is seriously aggravating me that I keep looking, and cannot find anything that I like. I hear people everyday saying that they have just purchased housing and feel like I am the odd-man out when it comes to the real estate game.

2. I have realized that a person that has been close to me for a long time is really a hater in disguise. At 30, I like to think that I have put all high school girl drama behind me, and can act like an adult in situations. This person has been secretly trying to hold me back in a variety of ways, most recently in a situation with a guy that I liked. I know that that statement makes me sound totally paranoid, but I am not the only one that has noticed this hateration. It is difficult to cut this person completely from my life, as I have done with other toxic people in the past, so I need to really develop a plan of action as to how to handle further contact.

3.AssBoss has been on a rampage lately, including ripping me and OM a new asshole for our inappropriate and unprofessional behavior. OM wrote it better here, so you can read the whole drama unfold.

So by now, you must be thinking that I need to stop crying like a little bitch, sack up and take it like a man. Oh, I plan to. This is how:

1. If you clicked on the link above and haven’t realized by now that OM and Penny are one in the same, I’m worried for your deductive reasoning skills. We are in process of developing a new blog about our idating experiences, so this should take up some free time. If there are any guys out there that would be interested in meeting us for our experiment, email us a description of yourself at .You can also visit our blog at .

2. Playing loud, angry rap music is the cure-all to my issues. In the illustrious words of Jadakiss and DMX respectively, “Fuck the frail shit” and “Talk is cheap, mother-fucker”.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

'Tis The Season

Well, the holiday season has begun, and with that, after spending much time catching up with family and friends, the inevitable questions about my single status have begun. Luckily, with my medical issues I have gotten a reprieve until now, so I cannot in good conscience complain too loudly. Nevertheless, something about the holiday season brings out all the wannabe matchmakers looking to hook two people up before the New Year.

Now that I have hit the big 3-0, the obsession with my marital status (or lack thereof) has reached a fevered pitch with all of my married friends (who probably just want me to get married so I can be as miserable as they are), and family members (who are just nosy mothereffer’s anyway). Oh yes, you know what’s coming next.

To take a stand, and in some subconscious way to get our families off our back, my last single friend (we’ll call her Penny) and I have just signed up at a few internet dating sites, and have decided to write about our escapades and uncover, with evidence, what kind of guys are really out there. The sites and names of our dates will of course remain top secret, but suffice to say that with a little internet savvy, it should be no problem to guess what they are.

Before I get a ton of hate mail railing on how this is not fair to the guys, I would like to say that we are taking this totally seriously. We have been completely honest in our profiles about what we are looking for and hope that the guys that we deal with have been honest in theirs. Besides, it has got to be better than hearing Aunt Gertie claim she knows the “perfect” guy for me.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

The Things I Am Most Thankful For

2006 Edition

I am thankful that I am no longer ill, am off medication and no longer under medical supervision.

I am thankful that I am working again and that my brain is functioning at high speeds once again.

I am thankful that I had a really great 30th birthday, complete with surprises thanks to my family and friends.

I am thankful that the computer geek at work hooked up my computer so when I plug my iPod in I can play hip-hop music, especially Jay-Z’s Black album, which pisses my AssDirector off.

I am thankful that I finally found the perfect pair of brown high boots, after literally searching for YEARS.

I am thankful for all of the new people that I have met this year and have become friends with. That includes you other bloggers out there. ;)

I am thankful that the trailer for the 5th Harry Potter movie has come out… and looks really good. The release date for the movie is 07/15/07, and that the rumored release date for the 7th Harry Potter book is 07/07/07. July 2007 is all about HP.

I am thankful that the easy listening station has been playing “Last Christmas” by Wham. In my opinion, this is the best holiday song ever.

Of course, I am also thankful for my family and friends, who need mental help sometimes when dealing with me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Happy Thanksgiving.

P.S.: The only thing I am not thankful for is that I have to work on Friday. I will have the whole office to myself, with only 2 staff, so I guess it could be worse. The agency could have mandated another staff development day. :(

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Rant of the Day

If there is one thing that I have serious issues with, it is when people don’t tell the entire truth under the guise of “sparing my feelings”. I would rather find out the whole story at first, and deal with that hurt, rather than hear a fictional account and find out the truth at a later time.

To make a long, ridiculous story short and anonymous: An acquaintance became interested in one of the guys that I have been talking to. Since there is nothing serious between us, I think it is a non-issue, but she wouldn’t tell me the truth; that she asked him out on a date. I found out later, and when I asked her, she STILL wouldn’t tell me the truth about it. She claims that she is trying to spare my feelings about this “triangle”.

Honestly, there is no triangle. He and I don’t like each other like that. Obviously she is interested in him, and since he is a grown man, and I don’t own him, he can make his own decisions about who he wants to date. I also like to think that I am mature enough to deal with adult situations…meaning that I don’t sit around and cry like a little bitch when things don’t go my way.

I really hate being involved in girl drama, especially when I really couldn’t care any less than I already do.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

When the Shit Hits the Fan...

Everyone gets dirty. The past two weeks have been the most stressful of my entire life. I had to participate in the termination of two employees. I am not good at firing people. I’m sure I was more emotional about both situations than the employees concerned.

The first employee was fired due to sexual harassment. He was working with us for about a month. Office Mate was his direct supervisor, and we all thought he was a good worker. Apparently, during all this time, he was sending sexually explicit notes anonymously to the administrative assistant in our unit. The NYPD was contacted and did an investigation about the notes and found that he wrote them. Most of the things written on those notes were serial killer creepy. Needless to say, it was not a pleasant experience for everyone involved, especially the admin.

Compared to the first, the second firing was a breeze. The employee was caught falsifying documentation, including her credentials and time card. Don’t ask me how someone can forge a diploma, or why they would go through all that work to risk getting caught and losing everything.

So now it is up to OM and I to hire two more people for these positions, hopefully neither candidate comes with a rap sheet.


Lately, while commuting to work in the morning, I have noticed an increase of PDA on the trains. Let’s keep that stuff where it belongs…in the darkness of a bar, up against the jukebox with a stranger. That's where I do it. Oh, who am I kidding, I’m just salty because it is not me getting any in the morning.


I am still on the apartment hunt. The apartment I mentioned in a previous post was sold before I had a chance to place a bid on it. I guess it was for a good reason, but I loved, loved, loved the water view. I am hoping that another apartment in that building becomes available soon, or that I can find something else to my liking.


My dress down Friday plan was almost thwarted by my AssBoss; but I am too wily for her. Last Friday was another staff development day, so I wore a pair of khakis. Not too bad. This Friday, cargo pants and a long sleeved t-shirt.


I have posted a picture of the offensive Crocs that my sister owns here. The picture was taken with my cell phone camera during a stealth mission. I think my second career should be as a spy!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Don't Hate Me Because...

I'm sure there are a myriad of things that I could be hated for, but being female? I didn't think that I could be hated on for that, but I have been proved wrong.

The scenario:

I'm standing on line to order my lunch. The guy in front of me orders this grilled chicken hero with assorted accoutrements. I order a grilled cheese sandwich on whole wheat. Can you explain to me why his sandwich was $ 3.00 and mine was $ 4.95? And don't give me any BS about lunch specials either; I work in SoHo, they don't believe in that around here. I don't care about the money, but when I questioned the woman, she couldn't give me a response as to why the chicken sandwich was less money than 2 slices of whole wheat slapped with a few slices of cheese.

Was the bread freshly baked with hand-ground wheat grown on premesis? NO. Was the cheese freshly made from free range cows grazing on Varick Street? NO.

Please, can someone explain this logic to me. I have no problem paying for food, provided it is warranted. A grilled cheese sandwich is not haute cuisine. There is no celebrity chef behind the scenes using rare ingredients. So why? It all comes down to penis (doesn't it always?). I don't have one, he did. Sandwich lady was all flirty flirty with him, while I got the rainy day attitude. Therefore, I will not be frequenting that lunch place any longer, which sucks because their soups are really good.


P.S.: I am officially declaring that my hair is my #1 nemesis. After years of begging and pleading with it to work with me, I have given up. Like Milli Vanilli sang all those years ago, "Blame it on the Rain... yeah, yeah".

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Don't Call 911 For Me...

OK, so I wasn’t able to claim that my spleen exploded and that I needed to leave early and leave the torture of this training day. This is where I have an ethical dilemma. On one hand, as a manager, I need to make sure that my unit is complying with all of the regulations established by our funding agencies and NYS. On the other hand, I really hate to micromanage my staff, because I don’t like to be micromanaged.

At today’s training, OM and I needed to present and explain a new procedure in our assessment process. I think that this new procedure is BS, and not going to work long-term; and mentioned my thoughts in the preliminary development meeting, and was shot down by the Assistant Director of the program and told to be more of a “team player”. (Who, by the way, only has a Bachelor’s degree and is supervising people with higher degrees than her. It’s really not about what you know, but who you know).

Fast forward to today’s meeting when the staff is all complaining that the changes are irrelevant to the assessment phase and implementing them would really be out of their job description. What is a “team playing” middle manager to do? Blame it on the collective “they”. As in:

“They” want us to do this.
“They” decided that this would be more cost-effective.
“They” think you all could do a better job.

What I really felt like saying was:

The crazy AssDirector who is trying to impress her new boss, is coming up with these maniacal ideas that make no sense to what our program does, in order to make a name for herself so that she can get the promotion she was passed over by her bosses’ predecessor.

I’m saving that gem for when I really need it; I can’t show my hand this early in the game. I’ll save it for when I get into trouble for dressing down on Fridays.


P.S.: I don't know what is wrong with my Google Reader; I am not getting the updates for the blogs I subscribe to. This means that I have to go to each one individually, which I am not down with. I'm all about one-stop shopping aka I'm lazy. :(

What Does a Girl Have To Do To Get A Day Off Around Here?

Because the agency that I work for is a bit wrong, we do not have Election Day or Veteran’s Day off. Our funding source is closed, but that means that we get two days of my most favorite thing…Staff Development! Less than 6 months on the job, I’ve already participated in 3 developmental/bonding days and have another 4 scheduled before the end of the year. WooHoo!

Seriously. One of the downside of being a manager is that I can’t outwardly show my contempt for these inane team building exercises and trainings. I am on a break right now and am trying to figure out what type of illness I can claim to allow me to leave early.

To be continued......

P.S.: Vote, Vote, Vote!

Friday, November 03, 2006

I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough and Gosh Darn It, People Like Me!

This post is a compilation of everything that has been in my head lately. I know that my posts have been sort of lacking lately, but… I’m back bitches!


I don’t think of myself as high maintenance, more like no maintenance; however I do expect a certain level of propriety during the following situations:

Subway Riding: All NY’ers know about the courtesy seat left between riders on the subway. If the train car is empty, there is no need to sit next to someone. You are supposed to skip a seat. Why is it then when I have the good fortune of being in an otherwise empty car, I always get someone coming to sit right next to me? I know I look unthreatening next to a bunch of teens making noise, but seriously… save some room for the Holy Spirit; my fat ass needs its own space.
Restroom Usage: Maybe I’m sensitive because of my own past issues in this department, but in public bathrooms, when you are dropping a bomb, please be aware that you need to flush the toilet during the act so that the entire bathroom and hallway outside the bathroom doesn’t smell like the gutter behind our office building.
Morning Behavior: I usually don’t speak in the morning, in fact, I mostly present with a surly demeanor and a scowl on my face. Although, when someone says “good morning” to me, I respond in kind, at the very least acknowledge it with a head nod or something. I’m not trying to have a long drawn-out conversation with you before 9am. So then tell me why when I go out of my way in the morning to say “good morning” to someone, I don’t get the same return courtesy? Yes, I’m looking at you cute book boy from the coffee shop. Be nice…it’s free.


This past week at work has been a bit stressful. It’s a long story; here is the Cliff’s Notes version (with my comments in parentheses).

[Story Removed]

I actually had to referee a showdown between members of the staff. My whole thought process can be summed up by this:

Personal business does not belong at work. We are not animals; we don’t shit where we eat.


My agency does not have a dress down Friday policy. I do not recognize this; we work in social service, we should dress down all the time. In the time that I’ve been working here, in my own little rebellious way, I’ve been dressing down and waiting to see how far I can go before I get into trouble. Today’s outfit is brown corduroys and a button-down white shirt from Old Navy.


As an update...

I am saddened to report that my sister has gone out and bought a pair of Crocs. I know. That's why I'm looking for a new place to live.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween!

I couldn't decide which picture to use, so I chose both. Try not to eat too much candy, and be safe in your reveling.

Monday, October 30, 2006

What Do You Look Like Again?

In order to allow my liver to regenerate a bit since I have been on an alcoholic liquid diet for the past two weeks, I took this weekend off. It was so nice to lie all snuggled in my bed on Saturday listening to the wind and rain and not have to be out in the bad weather running errands or having to wrangle my hair into an acceptable style and put an outfit together.

During my lie-in, while on the phone with a friend, I finally admitted to something that has plagued me for many years. I don’t remember what people look like. I know that sounds weird, but keep reading and you will learn even more about my deep, dark secret. I never said I was normal, and I know that my issue is more widespread than just me. There was a Sex and the City episode about it when Carrie meets Berger.

Whenever I meet someone new (usually a guy), I never remember what they look like. This tends to hinder me, especially if I go to the same places often (which I do and as an aside, I have also realized that I need to frequent different bars; i.e. not only those that are named after the streets that they are located on although for convenience they can’t be beat.), guys think I am being unfriendly or arrogant (aka bitchy) when I don’t say hello, or speak to them when it really is that I don’t remember what they look like. I’ll remember the conversation just fine, and some details of the person, but couldn’t pick them out of lineup.

By the way, this has nothing to do with alcohol. Basically this all stems from insecurity. Trust me; I have worked this out for a long time. When I am introduced to someone, I feel that I am unremarkable and guys won’t remember me, so I block what they look like out of my mind. Sounds good, right?

More than likely, though, it’s probably because on a subconscious level, I am not interested in what these dudes have to say; and forgetting what they look like is my minds’ way to tell me to move it along. I know that that sounds really rude, but it is the truth… so I guess what I wrote in the previous paragraphs is really true. I am a rude, arrogant bitch. Oh well, at least I think I'm cute, when my hair works with me. (: P)


P.S.: I think I have found an apartment with my name all over it. It is 1300 square feet; with 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a terrace off the kitchen that has a water view and a parking space in the garage. The building also has a pool, tennis court, gym facilities and a roof deck. Obviously it is not in Manhattan, because for the price it is listed for I would be lucky to get an oversized closet on the 9th floor in a 10 floor walkup.

P.P.S.: I'm planning my March vacation to Curacao, which I hope will not be overrun with Spring Breakers and parasites. I've already explained my luck with parasites. One of these days I'll tell you about my luck with boy Spring Breakers...long, long, long after graduation.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Pre-Mid-Life Crisis

What exactly are the qualifications to claim a mid life crisis? Is there a specific age or behavior that classifies one’s actions as mid-life crisis? I think I am having one; so instead of looking to buy a sports car, I started looking at apartments to buy. My goal is to be in a new place by the spring. Springtime=rebirth. Clever, no?


I keep getting emails in my work mailbox about improving my sex-life.

The most recent email:

Good afternoon: Would you like to have stronger ejaculation?
See our offer: http://barraildcom/gal/gsm/
Surely you only dream of it. Now it’s possible to do with magic tab
Use this tab regularly and you’ll have the best Buy it now – and this night will be the best in your life

Even my junk mail knows I am not getting any; and mocking me for it.

P.S.: Last time I checked, I still didn’t have a penis.


Lately, all the books I have been reading have been coming-of -age tales. These three books were my favorite of the bunch. By the way, these are all easy reads, and I guarantee that you all will be able to relate to the characters.

Mister Posterior and the Genius Child by Emily Jenkins

Bad Haircut: Stories of the Seventies by Tom Perrotta

King Dork by Frank Portman

This recent comment sums up my last post about denim skirts with leggings and slouchy boots, and says it better than I could have; therefore I have nothing else to say on the subject. Thanks Eve.

It looks allright on 8 year old girls but if you're out of middle school:
please don't wear it!

Leggings don't look good on anyone and skirts are awesome but they should be worn with decent shoes (w/killer heels) and not with slouchy boots!



I've finally gotten my shit together and added some links to the sidebar. In the interest of fairness, they are in alphabetical order. I don't play favorites, I love all my blogs equally. Except for my sister. She'd kick my ass if she wasn't first on the list.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Don't Think I've Forgotten...

about needing to discuss the "new" trend of wearing cropped leggings underneath a denim skirt with slouchy boots.

Topic: It is currently 2006, not 1986. There is a reason why 80's fashion should stay in the 80's. It's UGLY!!


Thursday, October 19, 2006

Croc of Bull

I have never claimed to be a fashionista; more than anything I am a comfortista, meaning that I dress for comfort and function rather than style. That being said, I usually keep up with the trends only to participate in them when the novelty and trendiness has worn off.

The one trend that I have difficulty buying into, let alone desire in participating in is the Croc trend. I see them everywhere in Manhattan, and hipper parts of Queens and Brooklyn, (I don’t mess with the Bronx), but cannot get into the spirit of them. I think they are the ugliest shoes in the world with their rainbow palette of colors and plastic appearance.

Now, don’t get me wrong; I understand the purpose behind the shoe. Originally developed for service fields; i.e. doctors and chefs, who work on their feet for long hours, they have been co-opted by people who think that they look cute and whimsical. The real issue that I have with these “shoes” is that they have infiltrated the professional world. Excuse me, but if you expect me to take you seriously in a meeting, wearing bright lime green clog type shoes with a business suit is not the way to go about that.

If this trend has not hit your area yet, be thankful. No one that I know currently owns a pair, although my sister has been talking about buying a pair. That’s when I will have to disavow any knowledge of her, which will be hard to do since we live together and she does my laundry.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Wow, Your Hair Is So Sparkly

As if I didn’t have enough of a complex about the unruliness and uncooperativeness (is that even a word?) of my hair, while in the bathroom at a restaurant, some girl came up to me and commented on the “sparkliness” of my hair. It took me a minute to realize what she was talking about. Once I did, I turned around and told her that I get the silver highlights put in specially.

I know I have gray hairs. I prefer to ignore them; and hope they go away; therefore, I do not need some drunk and/or high female in a public bathroom to point them out to me.


I added a new function to this blog: e-mail subscription. The sign-up box is found in the sidebar. Now you should have no excuse for not keeping up with all my trials and tribulations.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Is Someone Trying To Tell Me Something?

It's Friday, and I come into work a little hungover. Me and Office Mate in various states of consciousness come back from lunch, and find the following two emails in our inboxes.

-----Original Message-----
From: Xxxxxxx [mailto:Xxxxxxx @]
Sent: Friday, October 13, 2006 12:41 PM
To: XxXxxxx, Xxxxx
Subject: We will get you the results you need

Buy it now ? and this night will be the best in your life It?s the best thing you had ever seen! It starts great but you feel like finishing within very first minutes? This is a common thing.

Don?t be afraid
Confidence and affection of your partner are the greatest things you get.

-----Original Message-----
From: XXxxxx [mailto:XxxxXxxxxxxxxx@xxxxx.xx.xx]
Sent: Friday, October 13, 2006 12:41 PM
To: XxXxxxx, Xxxxx
Subject: And the results will impress your girl

Enjoy multi-orgasms using this powerful thing
It will be great We all hate her saying her previous partner did not finish that soon.
Don't trust me?
She just won't be able to leave you at all! Be her number one forever! You'll have a huge crush on each other again.


Yeah, that's what I said.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Act Now…Supplies Are Limited!

Is anyone interested in buying some certified pre-owned pimples? They brand new; and I am willing to part with them for a small fee. I’ll let them go for 2 dollars each, 3 for five. If you act now, within the next 6 hours, I will throw in the fourth free.

I thought that once you left puberty behind, zits would be a non-issue. Obviously I was wrong. I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror to see these growths that sprouted overnight. The biggest is right on my cheek, close to the bottom rim of my glasses. It is so big that I can’t wear my glasses because they touch. Another one is on the left side of my face underneath my ear, and don’t forget the twins on the jaw on my left side. The thing about these zits are that they are painful; I mistakenly scratched my cheek forgetting that I had one there, and I felt like my cheek was engulfed in flames.

I guess if I get bored today at work, instead of falling asleep, I can play connect the dots.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Press Fast Forward

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m moving in slow motion. I don’t know if it is because of the change in weather, or my old age catching up with me, but I am having a really hard time getting out of bed in the morning. The past 2 days have seen me fall asleep at work. Should I be concerned that I have become narcoleptic?

Although, thanks to the change in the weather, my favorite article of clothing for men has resurfaced! I am talking about the pullover sweater-vest. If you had doubts about my nerdiness before, I am sure that I just cemented my position by announcing my love of that article of clothing. I think that it is the only clothing item that looks good on every single guy, and wearing one is the best way to avoid a chest cold, while not getting overheated. Mmmm…glasses and a sweater vest. No better combination in the world. Add left-handedness and I think I’m in love.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Staff Development Day aka I Should Have Stayed in Bed

Am I the only one in NYC at work today? The trains were empty this morning, as I traveled to a meeting held at Cooper Union. We should have had the day off, since our funding source was closed, but the agency decided to hold a Staff Development Day. Most social service agencies have development days to introduce a new program or training. My agency uses development days to tell you about everything that has been going wrong, and how they are going to fix it.

The meeting was over at 11:30 am, and I thought that I would get the opportunity to go home afterwards, and celebrate the rest of Columbus Day by sleeping on my couch; but found out that my boss had scheduled another meeting for 3pm! WTF!?! So, I had to head to my office after the obligatory “networking” lunch with staff from another facility. We were supposed to use the time between meetings to meet with our staff to go over some of their difficult cases. I used the time to take a nice nap.

My boss is a really bad meeting scheduler. We have a standing supervisors meeting every Friday at 4pm; which is the absolute worst time to hold any kind of meeting. She apparently never gotten the memo that MY workweek ends at 3pm on Friday. She’ll learn.

Saturday, October 07, 2006


My sister, OCT-LIBRA is 27 today. Join me in wishing her a happy birthday! Because Oct's got big time showbiz connections, we are going out for dinner to Bar Americain.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

I Call Shenanigans!

I love my job, I do, but I met a client today that almost made me change my mind. She was applying for an exemption from employment. Normally the process is a quick one; a few quick assessments and they get approved based on an existing physical or mental disability. She tried to cheat during the assessments, and wanted to give me money so that I would approve her exemption on the basis that she developed a learning disability because of the hardship in her life.

This woman applied for public assistance (welfare) after being released from a VERY expensive spa (rehab) in Connecticut. As a condition of her release, she needed to get involved in both vocational and educational activities. She enrolled in a “TV college” (a school that is advertised on commercials during Maury and Jerry) for Fashion Merchandising, and she has the nerve to sit in front of me and complain that her program wants her to go to school AND work. At the same time! This woman is in her mid 30’s and has never had a job in her entire life

To add insult to injury, she then went on to mention that she is not even paying for her classes; that the Department of Education Disability Services is paying for her training because she knows someone who works there and who put her paperwork through. As she is going on and on about her poor-me life, my office mate and I looked at each other like “WTF is this bitch complaining for?”

After listening to her whine for about 20 minutes, my office-mate escorted her out of the office before I could tell her to be grateful that she wasn’t sent to jail after she got into a car accident while she was high and that she was lucky she knew people that wanted to help her by faking documents.

I wish I would have known these tricks when I was going to graduate school and working full-time. I could have claimed I developed a learning disability from the hardship in my height. I was so stupid back then; standing in the bursars office on my tip-toes writing personal checks to pay my tuition. ;)

Monday, October 02, 2006

I Feel the Need...The Need for Speed

After a weekend of straight partying, I am officially stating that Birthday 2006 was a success, and that 30 looks pretty good on me. :P I wasn’t expecting much more than what I wrote on my last post, (I wasn’t even expecting that much), but after my flying lesson on Saturday, (I’ll get into that in a minute), my sister threw me a surprise party at a NYC bowling alley. It was so much fun; eating, drinking and bowling. Little tip: Bowling during a laser light show and listening to hits from the 1980's will not help your game at all. In fact, you can use that distraction as an excuse as to why you only bowled a 108 between 2 games with the bumpers in use.

Now on to the big things…

This is the type of airplane I flew.

My first flying lesson was awesome. If anyone has the opportunity to take just one lesson, DO IT. My instructor is a female and we have the same name. She is 24 and has had her pilot’s license since age 18. I flew a single engine Cessna, and my sister got the whole thing on video. (When she converts the format, I’ll upload it onto YouTube, so you can see my skills at work.) The day was really great; a perfect day for flying, but it got a bit bumpy towards the end of the flight because the clouds and wind started moving in, but my takeoff and landing were really smooth. The view from the cockpit was beautiful, but flying over Long Island Sound was a bit scary; we hit a few air pockets and dipped sort of low. I had to pull back and raise the plane again. A bit nerve-wracking, but fun nonetheless. Maybe the G5 airplane that I posted as a joke gift for my birthday might not be such a joke after all.

If anyone is interested in taking flying lessons, go here for more information.

Friday, September 29, 2006

The Haul

I had a really great birthday night with the family. We went out for a quiet dinner, just the parents and my sister. My brother and his wife didn’t come out with us. You know, it is very difficult to go out during the week when you are a teacher and have to get up early in the morning. CoughBullshitCough. Anyway, I'm over it.

Now… down to business. My gifts. I NEVER get gifts this extravagant, so imagine my surprise when I opened them.

My parents bought me the Gucci bag that I mentioned in this post. My cousin from Italy brought it with him when he came in for my brother’s wedding. It has been hiding in my parent’s house for a month and I didn’t sniff it out. My game is slippin’, yo.

My sister bought me a portable DVD player, which is awesome; PLUS, she got me FLYING LESSONS!! On Saturday, I will be hitting the skies, so if you live in the NY area, look up at about 1pm to see me.

Birthday weekend continues, going out drinking with my friends tonight to John Street, provided that it doesn’t rain, and my hair works with me, instead of against me.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Today's the Day!

Yup, my birthday. In celebration of my day, I did no work today. (Not really different than any other day, but today I had a good excuse). So before I leave work for the day, I wanted to post my horoscope and celebrities who share my birthday.


Today’s Horoscope:

Follow a hunch to find that illusive satisfaction you’ve been seeking. Don’t worry about the money, it’ll be easy to get. Focus on the art, and don’t be rigid about the outcome. You have a couple of good ideas, but don’t go bounding off. There’s more planning to be done, if you don’t want to race right off a cliff. And even more if you do.

Mercury, planet of communication and the mind, is extra strong on your birthday this year, so if you know what it is that you want most out of life and if you let friends and colleagues know about it too there is every chance that it will come into your possession over the next 12 months. Put a name to your dream.

With so much cosmic activity in and around your birth sign you are no doubt eager to show what you can do, but there is no need to do everything at once. A strong aspect from Mercury, planet of the mind, to Pluto, planet of transformation, suggests this is a time more for thinking than acting. A good day to make plans.


Interesting, right? I guess I should find out what I am seeking and start planning to make plans?


Who shares my birthday:

Actor William Windom is 83. (Born 1923)

Comedian and actor Arnold Stang is 81. (Born 1925)

Actress Brigitte Bardot is 72. (Born 1934)

Singer Koko Taylor is 71. (Born 1935)

Singer Ben E. King is 68. (Born 1938)

Football Hall of Famer Charley Taylor is 65. (Born 1941)

Actor Jeffrey Jones is 60. (Born 1946)-The principal, Mr. Rooney from Ferris Bueller's Day Off!

Director and screenwriter John Sayles is 56. (Born 1950)

Football Hall of Famer Steve Largent is 52. (Born 1954)

Former football wide receiver Irving Fryar is 44. (Born 1962)

Hockey Hall of Famer Grant Fuhr is 44. (Born 1962)

Actress and comedienne Janeane Garofalo is 42. (Born 1964)

Musician Ginger Fish is 40. (Born 1966)

Actress Mira Sorvino is 39. (Born 1967)

Actress Moon Zappa is 39. (Born 1967)

Actress Naomi Watts is 38. (Born 1968)

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is 34. (Born 1972)

Model and dancer Dita Von Teese is 34. (Born 1972)

Actress and singer Hilary Duff is 19. (Born 1987)


Impressive list, especially Hilary Duff. I'm honored. ;)


P.S.: It's funny when you are detached from things, as I usually am in the morning; you have a delayed reaction when things happen around you. This morning, after letting one train pass because it was too crowded, I got on a later train and realized that everyone in the car was freaking out about the time. Late is late. 5 minutes, 15 minutes or 35 minutes doesn't make a difference... why rush? You're only going to work. I still stopped and got breakfast (no bialy, I gave up trying to get it my way; yogurt and orange juice), and strolled into my office at exactly 9am.


P.P.S.: Thanks for the email and e-card Vic, I love getting stuff like that!

Monday, September 25, 2006

I Finally Committed!

I’ve gotten a few emails about my inability to name my favorite movies of all time because I change my mind very often. So without further ado, here are my Top 10 favorite movies. *

Coincidentally, all of these movies have really great soundtracks, so if the premise of the movie isn't your cup of tea, perhaps the music will persuade you.

10. Forest Gump- This is my go-to movie whenever there is nothing on TV. It makes me cry every time.

9. 16 Candles- This movie was on television a lot when I was younger, on Saturday afternoons before cable. It was after I saw this movie where my habit of quoting movie lines at random times developed.

8. A Life Less Ordinary- This movie is part love story, part action movie, and part comedy. It also has a duet by Cameron Diaz and Ewan McGregor (who needs a haircut/style badly) of one of my all time favorite songs Beyond the Sea by Bobby Darin.

7. Sliding Doors- Every girl’s dream and nightmare rolled into one movie. Decisions would be so much easier to make if you were able to see the consequences beforehand. It doesn’t hurt that I also think that John Hannah is hot.

6. Billy Elliot- Angsty coming-of-age tale. The music in this movie completely fits every scene. This is also the only other movie that I have cried at.

5. Office Space- Life as a corporate office drone. This movie makes me laugh, and makes me happy that I chose a different path for my work life.

4. Swingers- According to my friend J, this movie gave away too many guy secrets, especially the three-day phone call rule, which became a hotly debated topic in my circle of friends. (This is the second Ron Livingston movie on the countdown. Total coincidence.)

3. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off- Need I say more? When I was young I wanted a white leather jacket with fringe, and a guy like Ferris as my boyfriend. I still haven’t gotten either one.

2. Girlfight- I watch this movie all the time. Another angsty coming- of- age tale about a badass girl who learns to channel her rage through boxing. I live vicariously through Diana as she kicks ass.

1. The Outsiders- The best movie adapted from a book. EVER. This movie also began my lifelong crush on Matt Dillon.

There you have it. I would love to know what you all think of my list and what movies you consider in your top 10.

*Although I have committed to this listing, it is subject to change at anytime.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

On Work and Other Things

I swore I wasn't going to say it. I didn't want to be one of those bosses. I hate those kind of bosses. Unfortunately, at 1:36 pm on 9/20/06, a mere six days into this new job and I lost it.

"I'm gonna need you to go ahead and ..."

I was horrified. If you've seen the movie Office Space, you know what I am talking about; (if you have not seen the movie, rent it, watch it, then come back to me.) I don't want to be the asshole boss that everyone hates who walks around with her coffee mug and is clueless to what actually happens with the staff and around the office. All I need now is for them to start disassembling their cubicles in fits of rage while singing the song Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta by the Geto Boys.


After the above mentioned fiasco, I found out that I will be sharing an office with the other supervisor because of construction on her side of the building. I don't mind sharing, there is more than enough room for the two of us in the office. My one issue is that she is a drama queen. How can I tell? I have only been there for 6 days and I already know all of her major life issues. If I am to be witness to her fits of insanity during the work week, and have no quiet safe haven, the least the agency can do is provide me with ear plugs.


Why is it so difficult for the guy in the bagel store to give me the correct order in the morning? I order the same thing everyday; a plain toasted bialy with an orange juice. That's all. Every morning, when I open that bag, there is butter or cream cheese on my bialy. I don't know what else to do. I've said that the order was wrong, I've told him that I would like the bialy dry, but no. If you must know why, I don't like it when the butter melts and seeps through the bag. It also makes the bialy soggy. Don't even get me started on the warm, melted cream cheese. Gross. I can't go anywhere else because it is convenient in its proximity from the train station to my office.


Apparently, my strategy of picking cute football players for my fantasy team wasn't so smart since I am in last place. I need to rethink and restructure my whole team. If you help me, I'll send you a cool, crisp one dollar bill in the mail.


There are only 8 more shopping days until my 30th birthday. Maybe you guys lost my address or are not sure what to buy the girl who has everythi... er, nothing? Please see the revised gift list below, and feel free to purchase something for me. I will also be accepting items from the original list posted here.

  1. 2006 Bayliner 265:$53,752
  2. Mercedes G-Class: $81,450
  3. GV-Gulfstream 5: 3.6 million

Notice a theme here?


For those of you familiar with NYC, please give me a suggestion on where to go for dinner or drinks that has a fairly decent clientele. (read: cute, single guys) My old standby places are not cutting it anymore.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

This is Why I Love Living in NYC

Picture it: Subway car, Thursday morning. Me half asleep, trying to concentrate on my book. Rain outside. Middle aged lady seated reading Us Magazine. Cute guy wearing a navy blue zip-front hoodie carrying an umbrella.

Lady to cute guy: You're making me wet.

Me and surrounding passengers do a double take.

Lady to cute guy again: I said you're making me wet.

Cute guy laughing: Yes, I tend to have that effect on the ladies.

Lady getting pissed: With your umbrella.

Cute guy still laughing: I'm flattered, but it's not that big.

Then the lady paused for a second like she was thinking about what he said; the look on her face was priceless when she finally figured out what he was talking about. I know it was early and maybe she wasn't ready with her A game comeback, but seriously, talk about being slow on the uptake.

Thank you random cute boy in the navy hoodie, you made my rainy Thursday morning.

ETA: I submitted this quote here. Come on, you know it made you laugh too. Or am I the only one with a dirty mind here?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

So, That's What Working Feels Like

Maybe I've been out of the game for too long, but I don't recall ever commuting with so much conversation going on around me. At 8am, all I want to hear is my IPod singing sweetly to me, not some ass on his cell phone having a screaming match with someone on the other end. Total crap considering I tried everything to get away from him, but there is only so much room in a subway car. He even got off at the same stop as me. Tomorrow I'll have my eye out for him, and bump into him with my bag to get back at him. Hipster jerkoff.

I did nothing today but fill out paperwork, and watch some orientation videos about the history of the agency and the current programs that it offers. Tomorrow, I will be attending a computer training to learn the programs and systems that they use there. Thursday will be my first actual work day. I get to move into my office, which I got a quick glimpse of today, it was being painted. I don't think I saw a window, but I'll manage.

Thanks for all the comments wishing me luck...

PBW: I didn't really check out the shopping situation in detail yet, but I'm sure its nothing that I can't handle. Email me.

Janie and Minnie: Silly assumption ladies. Of course I had to buy new shoes... I couldn't go into work barefoot! What kind of example would I set?

Signgirl: Thanks!

My first day off is on October 2, for Yom Kippur, which makes my birthday weekend 4 whole days long!

P.S.: How am I supposed to lose the junk in my trunk if I work across the street from a fucking CHOCOLATE FACTORY?!?

Monday, September 11, 2006


I really don’t know how to write this post; everything that I have written within the past hour has been deleted and rewritten, so please excuse my jumbled thoughts and bear with me.

Every New Yorker has their own 9/11 story, here is mine.

5 years ago I worked in a hospital, in an outpatient clinic. I was just about to leave for a morning meeting when one of my co-workers started screaming for me, calling me back and into the conference room. She was eating her breakfast in there and was watching television. We both saw the second plane hit the tower, and looked at each other in shock. We just stared at the television thinking it was something out of the movie Independence Day. It was totally surreal. About an half hour later, we were called by the hospital Chief of Staff and told that the hospital was on lockdown and that all management personnel were needed in the Emergency Room to assist with triage. NYC buses were transporting firefighters, police officers and EMS workers from our ER downtown, and bringing back people that had minor injuries. The most vivid memory I have of that day is that all of the people coming into the ER from the site seemed grey and were covered with soot and debris. Towards the end of the day, the National Guard had set up camp on the hospital grounds and were Medevac-ing severely injured (mostly burned) people from the WTC site.

At this point, I was unable to get in touch with my parents or siblings to let them know that I was ok, just unable to leave the hospital. I tried to get in touch with my cousin and my roommate who both worked close to the towers, my cousin at 120 Broadway, my roommate at One Liberty Plaza. I didn’t find out about either of them until 2 days later, both fine, they found each other and walked uptown together.

I was able to leave the hospital at about 11pm, and while traveling home, I couldn’t help but notice how quiet the streets were. Eerily quiet. No cars on the road, hardly any traffic. No hustle and bustle. Just silence.

It was weeks later before I found out definitively of two friends that died, both of whom worked at the WTC. JFQ and PC. You are always missed.

Victims of 9/11

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Quit Fooling Around and Get Back To Work!

OK, I will.

I am pleased to announce that I will be returning to the ranks of the employed on September 12th. I was able to find an agency that gave me the best combination of administrative duties, and direct client care for the salary that I wanted. The best part of the whole situation is that the job is in downtown Manhattan, which makes commuting a breeze.

Now, if that is not a good enough excuse to go on a shopping spree, I don't know what is! (not that I need an excuse, but it sounds good.)


To my fantasy football league: Bring it on, bitches! It's go time!

Thursday, August 31, 2006

My Fall Debut

After a medically induced hiatus from anything resembling fun, I am ready to go out and show my colon who's boss. So tonight, in celebration of my regulated bowel movements, my new haircut and my cousin's 31st birthday, I will begin my training for my own 30th birthday. I have about a month to get back into "fighting" shape.

Off I go to a bar in the Financial District to see if I can find a cute boy to talk to that is still standing after Happy Hour.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

F Blogger For Not Posting My Pictures

My pictures are not posting with Blogger, so I'm posting my Flickr account so you can see them all.

1. & 2. From the podcast: Visual proof from my brother's wedding.

3. Me and my brother in our wifebeaters.

4. Guidos in full effect.

5. Face of a criminal.

Click here for My Flickr Account or copy and paste into your address bar.

By the way, my new cell phone is awesome. I can read all of my stuff from Google Reader much easier on this phone than on my last one.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

We're Back

New podcast with 149 things you'll ever want to know about me and my sister including, but not limited to girl parts, porn, and naughty Catholic schoolgirls, plus a very special announcement.

Go here to listen.

ETA: Names and artists of songs at the end of the cast:

Bittersweet Symphony-The Verve
Chocolate-Snow Patrol
I Miss You-Blink 182
Moment in the Sun-Clem Snide
I'll Remember You-Skid Row
Happy Together-Simple Plan
The Last Song-The All-American Rejects

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Public Service Announcement

I usually don’t participate in ethnic stereotyping, but in this case I will make an exception, since it pains my heart to claim ethnic relation to these morons. I am of course speaking about the guido. You may know of this group by many other names, if you are unclear please see one of the many definitions listed here. If you frequent the beaches of the NY/NJ area in the summer you are also familiar with these specimens. If you are a guido and are reading this post, please save yourself before it becomes too late; and, as an aside, where do you get your eyebrows waxed?

Throughout my teen years, I have been plagued by these guys, living near a hotbed of guido activity. In growing older, and after going away to college, I thought that the idea of crispy gelled hair and fake tans would become a thing of the past. Alas, it was never meant to be. The crispy hair was funny in 1990, because everyone looked like that, (my hair has finally forgiven me for the sins I have committed against it.), but it is 2006. No one, especially a man should have hair that looks like they have stuck their fingers in an electrical socket. For further visual evidence, please go here.

With Labor Day weekend and the end of the summer season fast approaching, these guidos will be determined to drain every bar/club in the vicinity of water of all alcoholic beverages while wearing their best wifebeater t-shirts that show off their steroid enhanced bodies and white on white Nike Air Force One sneakers. They will crowd the parking lots of said establishments with their BMWs and Escalades. They will attempt to hit on every female within shouting distance, before humping them on the dance floor while dripping with sweat and smearing their self-tanning lotion. Please, I implore you to not look them directly in the eyes, lest one of their fake blue contact lenses pops out and takes YOUR eye out. If conversation is necessary, be sure that you brush up on your sarcasm beforehand. The best thing to do in this situation is to make a few jokes, get a few laughs at their expense and move it along.

If you would like to do further research so that you are better prepared this Labor Day weekend, please look at the following websites:

Good for a laugh at work

The Gold Standard of all Guidos

Sad, they start so young

P.S.: My thoughts and prayers go out to the state of New Jersey, especially the Jersey shore in this their time of need.

Just for a little fun, this is a picture of the one and only time in our lives that my brother and I have worn wifebeaters.

**Blogger was pissing me off with posting pictures, so I had to link to them instead. Sorry.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Seriously, who voted for this fool for president?

Sunday, August 20, 2006

I Plead the 5th

After talking to my college roommate Claire today about certain memories from college that have been buried deep in the annals of our brains, I read this post which confirmed to me that I am not the only one not claiming my inappropriate behavior due to my selective memory.

All of the stories below are true, only identifying information have been slightly altered to protect the innocent or incriminate the guilty. None of these incidents occurred while on Spring Break. (I got into enough trouble during the academic year; I didn’t need a ticket to Cancun to give me permission to act out). The only people that know about these stories are those who were involved. I keep my dirt WAY undercover. That’s the best part of looking like a geek, nobody suspects a thing.

The Top Three Forgotten on Purpose Incidents

1. My 4 roommates and I were out to dinner celebrating a 21st birthday. We were seated next to a table with about 10 soldiers in fatigues. We started joking back and forth with them, and they started buying us drinks after they heard what we were celebrating. They left. Through our waitress, they sent us a note inviting us to the hotel where they were staying. Being slightly inebriated, and looking for some more free alcohol we went…and found out that they were part of a larger group of soldiers in the area for the Army/Navy football game. Yeah, putting 5 young girls in a room full of strange soldiers might not have been the safest idea, but we all had a really good time. After, we framed the note and hung it on our refrigerator, and everyone that came into our house and saw the note asked what happened that night. Between the 5 of us, none of us could recall a thing. Strange, huh?

2. During my semester abroad, Claire and I decided to go out dancing. I was wearing a new dress and shoes that I had just bought. No problem right? Wrong! I didn’t realize until the end of the night that my dress was completely see-through. This was after I was pulled up onto the speakers by the security guy and started shaking my ass like it was my job. (I thought it was because he was worried that I was going to get trampled by the crowd because I am so short) I thought that the crowd of guys in front of the speakers were cheering and clapping because of my awesome dance moves, until Claire finally noticed, pulled me aside and told me. In class a few days later, my professor (who was young and apparently at the club on the night my bits were on display) took me aside and mentioned my performance. I did the only thing I could do…I told him that I didn’t have any idea what he was talking about. By the way, yes, I was wearing underwear, and no, it didn’t really cover much. At least it happened when I was skinny.

3. While visiting a friend at her college, I met her boyfriend’s friend. We went out to the bars by her school, and spent some quality time together. After leaving the bar, we couldn’t find a cab, so we left my friend and her bf and “went for a walk” together. We wound up near a park and spent some time there. When we left, we noticed a really bad smell around us. Thinking nothing of it we continued on our way. When we got back to my friends dorm, we still hadn’t gotten rid of the smell. After looking all over to try and figure out what it was, we realized that the park we were in was not a park at all but land that was part of a horse stable. Yes, that’s correct, we were surrounded by horseshit. Ask me why I didn’t notice the smell before we got down to business. Go ahead ask me. I have no answer for that one. Not my finest hour. At least I didn’t get any on me. That was all on him. .

Well, those are the three stories (from college) that I miraculously remembered in order to post them here, with help from Claire. Can you believe that I graduated college with a 3.75 GPA? Yeah, me neither. Sociology wasn’t that hard of a major.


PS: Congratulations to PMS (really her initials) on giving birth to twins: Evan Scott and Eric Stephen.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Deep Thoughts...

After spending way too much bonding time with the family while preparing for my brother’s wedding, I thought I would be able to re-claim my sanity by now. Alas, it is not to be. A few days after the wedding, my mother fell, and fractured her elbow. Seeing as she is currently out of commission; I have no job; and we still have guests staying at my parent’s house, I have been called in to act as hostess, chauffeur, and all around servant.

I have come up with the following conclusions in the past week.

  1. I have severe road rage. I love driving, I really do. Usually I am pretty good about avoiding drivers that are in my way, but the past few days have found me driving behind Granny in her 1972 Buick Skylark who obviously cannot tell the difference between the gas and brake pedals, which literally drives me crazy.
  2. If you want to meet and have random in-depth conversations with complete strangers, go to any doctor’s office in Great Neck before 10am. These offices are filled with old couples who will talk to anyone about anything. In the orthopedic surgeons office where my mother was getting her cast and sling, I met a couple who must have been in their late 70s, Edie and Stan, and had an entire conversation about soy milk, and was given some good recipes with it. I don't even drink soy milk.
  3. If I didn’t have the presence of mind to think before I speak and count to ten, I would really get myself in trouble with some of the things that come into my mind.
  4. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY need to get back to work. REALLY!

I know that this was a crappy post, but my brain is fried right now. I wish I had a better reason for why it is, but there you have it. Hopefully, I will be able to get my thoughts back together and post something that makes a bit more sense.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Slave to the Bowl

In mixed company, why is it ok for a guy to talk about random bodily functions, or a mother to talk about her, or her child’s physical and medical issues but when a single female does it, she is being nasty and inappropriate? That irritates me. So for all the single females who feel ashamed of talking about their bowel movements or gas issues look no further!

Disclaimer: If you have a weak constitution, avoid the rest of this post.

As there is no delicate way to say this, I will come right out and say that the reason that I have been out of work for the past several months is that I had chronic and persistent diarrhea. Apparently my colon became a hot-spot for some bacterial parasites I picked up while on a Caribbean vacation. Trust me, after 6+ months of peeing out of your ass, all the ladylike embarrassment made over a bowel movement is gone; not to mention the fact that I was basically confined to my house for a long time, never being able to venture too far from the toilet. The worst part of the whole thing was that I had to tell everyone; from my primary doctor, gynecologist, pharmacist, family, friends, co-workers and bosses what was going on. (An aside: Before a colonoscopy, you need to flush out all of the waste that is in your colon. When someone has chronic diarrhea, they still make you drink that nasty stuff. Why? Good question. Even the doctors at Cornell/NYPH couldn’t answer me. If you know why, please email me and let me know.)

Before my sojourn into gastrointestinal hell, I was never ashamed of talking about my bowel movements or gas issues. Talking was no problem, actually doing was an issue. I wouldn’t use a public bathroom to leave a deposit in, and when I went away on vacations and conferences, it took me a few days before I was comfortable enough to use the facilities. It took me almost 3 months to be able to use my dorm bathroom, and I lived in a suite with 3 other girls and had a PRIVATE bathroom. The issues that I had with not using a bathroom until I get comfortable or that I don’t want anyone to know what I am doing hardly affect me anymore; crapping your pants when you are 29 years old because you have not gotten to the bathroom fast enough is a just a teensy bit more embarrassing.

Bizarrely, with all of my shitting issues, I have never had an issue with passing gas. In college, my roommate or I used to “inaugurate” new places, especially if we were drunk. Silent ones only… I mean I do have some sense of decorum. I also believe in claiming your work, not to say that a big announcement with a parade is needed, but a small “that was me” gets the job done. My ex-boyfriend hated when I needed to pass gas, he used to say it was gross, although he used to fart around me all the time. He never claimed them though, but come on, how stupid could I be, especially if it was just the two of us.

Fortunately, my war against intestinal parasites has come to an end. Please accept this post in the vein that it was written; tounge in cheek, and with a lot of truth. When your friends buy you a package of Depends as a joke, you tend not to take shit seriously. (Pun Intended)

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

King of My Castle

The following is a short play that I wrote based on a true story. For hours of wholesome fun, get together with friends and family and act it out.

Telemarketer A

Scene: Early evening, around 6pm on a random weekday. Sloane is cooking dinner. The telephone rings.

Sloane: Hello

Telemarketer A (TMA): May I speak to Sloane Peterson please?

Sloane: Speaking.

TMA: We would like to offer... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Sloane: No thanks, I am not interested.

TMA: Is there a Mr. Peterson or Head of Household I can speak with?

Sloane: No there isn't a Mr. Peterson, and you've just spoke with the head of household. Why would you think that speaking to another member of this household would get you a different response; considering that you asked to speak with me first because the telephone is registered under my name?

TMA: We'll try back another time.

Sloane: I don't think my answer would be different no matter when you try me back; please remove my name from your database.

TMA: We'll try back another time. (Hangs up)

End scene


While I rarely give out my home telephone number to anyone anymore, I am always paranoid when that phone rings always thinking it is someone calling with bad news, which makes it ironic that more often than not, it is a telemarketer on the other side. I really don't mind the calls, they give me a chance to vent anger to a stranger with little to no repercussion.

I get about ten telemarketing calls a week. I have joined the Do Not Call Registry, and always ask to be removed from databases so I suppose it could be worse. Besides, my dad and I have a competition on who can make up the most outlandish stories tell the telemarketers or engage them in a conversation having nothing to do with their actual reason for calling. He usually wins; he is very creative. The last call he received from a chimney cleaning company, he told them that his house did not have a chimney because he removed it when his kids were young. The telemarketer asked him why (taking him seriously), and he said it was because when his kids were bad, to punish them he took the chimney away so Santa Claus couldn't leave gifts at Christmas. True story. Now do you see where I get it from?

Friday, August 04, 2006

Does This Look Like The Face of a Criminal?

Apparently, the NYPD thinks so. I was stopped twice yesterday by the police while going about my non-criminal business.

The first time I was stopped was at a checkpoint near Kennedy Airport. I was there to pick up some family when I was stopped and questioned if I was carrying any chemicals into the airport or had knowledge of anyone carrying chemicals. Obviously, since I always carry extra plutonium so when my Delorean hits 88 miles per hour so I can break the space/time continuum and go back in time like Marty McFly, I had to let the officers know.

The second time I was stopped was for speeding and running a red light. The officer that pulled me over asked me if I knew why he stopped me. Of course I knew why, but I played it dumb, and mentioned that I knew an officer from the same precinct , and was let go with a warning. It was too bad that I forgot to be all flirty, the officer was cute. Oh well, at least I got out of a ticket.

Hopefully, I am able to stay under the radar gun for the next three days, I can't show up to my brother's wedding in handcuffs, although they would look fabulous with my bridesmaid's dress!

P.S.: That's me at 5 years old.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Silence is Golden…So SHUT UP Already!

There are some days where I crave silence. No talking, no listening... just me alone with my thoughts. Usually when I have decisions to make, I close myself off from everyone and don't speak. I know, I sound like a freak, but it is one of my secret single behaviors. Yesterday and today have been those types of days; however with the wedding of the year at the end of the week, my days of silence are not to be. It seems that nobody in my circle of trust appreciates silence as much as I do.

Yesterday, I was offered a director's position at a small upstart social service agency in Brooklyn. The salary is a bit lower than what I was expecting, but the agency has less than 50 clients, so their budget reflects that. I would be developing an educational curriculum for incorporation into their treatment plans. While the job sounds interesting, and I would be given a lot of autonomy to do it, there is something about the job that just doesn’t feel right. I have a meeting tomorrow with the President and CEO to talk about what my decision is.

In trying to organize my thoughts to making this decision, I have been inundated with calls from friends and family, asking if I’m ready for the “big day”, taking care of visitors from out-of-state, and listening to everyone’s opinion on my job situation. I haven’t had a moment to formulate my own thoughts on the position and how I would benefit by accepting the job.

The more I try to withdraw and begin thinking about making a decision, the more people find me to talk to me about nonsense. Short of being blatantly rude, which I have been to a degree, and telling people to shut the fuck up; I have tried to convey the importance of silence for me at this time. Nobody gets it. They are in party mode after all…and how do you party in silence?

ADDENDUM: This is my horoscope for today. I think it says it all.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Sometimes you can choose to take the easy way out of a difficult situation, but this isn't the case now. Your current drive to do what's right makes your life more complicated than you prefer, but you won't have much of a choice. You must do what matches your deepest convictions if you're to hold favor with those people who are most important to you.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Daughter of the Year

Can anyone tell me how I got roped into being the official chauffeur, secretary, and personal shopper the week before my brother's wedding? Apparently, I am just too nice for my own good, and with Oct otherwise indisposed, it all fell on me.

My future sister-in law does not drive, so in the past two weeks I must have driven over 100 miles all over NYC running errands for the wedding. Doing these tedious "behind the scenes" jobs are stressful and for someone who is not a wedding fan, pure torture. I've spent more time looking for the perfect beaded handbag for my mother than I spent on deciding which college to go to.

All of the little details have been adding up, no thanks to my brother and his fiancee; who left the seating arrangements up to my mother, who then delegated that assignment to me. Between the stupid asses that RSVP'ed no, then decide at the last minute that they would be coming, to the special seating requests that people sent in with their response cards, I was able to organize the tables. I know some people are still not going to be happy, but in that case, they can kiss my ass.

This past week I have spent so much "bonding time" with my family that I should be the one leaving for Aruba next week. Considering that I gave up my summer vacation for this fiasco, I should be a lock to win the Daughter/Sister of the Year Award.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Love At First Sight

It's true when "they" say love hits you when you least expect it. Who would have thought that shopping with my mother would turn out this way? In the tradition of love stories, we saw each other across a crowded room and I felt an unseen force guiding my path to them. Yes, there were two, and yes I was smitten from the start. Threesomes aren't a bad thing. Anyway, don't you think they are handsome?

For more pictures, click here.

The shoes were originally $99.00, marked down to $49.99. I thought it was a good deal, so I looked for a size 7. When I see shoes that I like, I try not to get too attached, they usually don't have my size. They did, and I decided to buy them expecting to pay about $55.00 with tax and everything. Imagine my surprise when I went to the cashier, and they rang up as $20.08. Twenty dollars for a pair of BCBG shoes!! Someone from up above was looking down and smiling on me today. I tried to then go and get them in another color, but couldn't find my size and I also didn't want to push my luck.

I feel so tall in these shoes... I think I hit about 5'3". Ha Ha!

Friday, July 21, 2006

The Best Kind of Guy To Have

Need I say anymore?

Monday, July 17, 2006

Attack of the Teenybopper

In my lifetime, I've worked with murderers and other such violent criminals, but nothing scares me more than a seemingly innocent group of 14 year old girls. I know that I am a female, and thus, have once been a 14 year old girl, but in the olden days, I don't recall acting like they do. Perhaps that was because I was a geek who wore glasses and had braces. You all saw that movie Mean Girls, right? They're real, and this weekend I was waylaid by so many groups of these girls, it made me see the need for this post. I'll give you some examples of the torture that I went through.

1. Bed, Bath, and Beyond:
Sloane Plan: Go to bedding section. Pick up sheets and mattress cover. Go to cashier. Pay and leave.

Girls in Sloane's Way Plan: Pick out Spongebob or other dumb cartoon item. Look at all the gadgets by the cashier and don't pay attention to the line formation. Talk loudly to your 8 other friends while you are waiting to pay. Ignore dirty looks given by bitchy woman with mattress cover and sheets behind you. Before leaving the store, congregate in front of the door looking at an infomercial for the Magic Bullet. Get in the way of all other customers trying to leave the store.

2. Victoria's Secret:
Sloane Plan: Pick out new bras and underwear. Go to cashier. Pay and leave.

Girls in Sloane's Way Plan: Pick up every single piece of lingerie on display in the store and joke to your friends that Johnny Youngballs would love to see you in this. Ask your friends random questions about how women wear certain items. Spray every perfume sample into the air while applying every lotion sample to your hands. Hold up the entire line to allow your friends to cut in and pay altogether.

3. CVS:
Sloane Plan: Pick up contact lens solution, shampoo and conditioner, and other related items. Go to cashier. Pay and leave.

Girls in Sloane's Way Plan: Enter store loudly and stand by magazine rack blocking entire aisle. Move onto makeup section and try all free samples available. Block entire aisle in front of picture development desk because there is a cute boy behind it. Rifle through the entire candy/gum selection in front of cashier without excusing yourself to the people you are disrupting. Upon leaving the store, stand outside and whine about how hot the photo guy is.

The list goes on and on. Every store that I went into had gangs of girls on the loose. These girls travel in packs, in groups of 5 or more. They all wear the same clothing, have vapid conversations with each other and do not understand the concepts of common courtesy and manners. It must be the sociologist in me that wants to study these girls and their behaviors in their natural habitats; and try to instill some sense into them. I guarantee that the next time you see a group of girls like that, you'll look a little closer and know exactly what I am talking about.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Feedback and Follow-Up

Since I have been busy this whole week with random errands and knee-deep in wedding preparation hell, I decided that today I was going to have some "ME" time and stay in tonight. This is the perfect time to respond to some emails and comments that have been posted here.

Minnie: There are so many of us that if you tagged along, I don't think anyone would notice that you don't "belong" to us. :)

PG: The lithograph was given to me as a gift, I found out all of the information about the Mourlot Lithograph history after the fact.

Yara, Signgirl, Janie and Minnie: 3 more weeks and then I can banish the dress and shoes to the bridesmaid graveyard in the back of my closet. For the record: You CANNOT wear those dresses ever again, except on Halloween, and then only if you are going as a pageant girl... Or so I hear. :)

Sean wanted to know what kind of music I like to listen to when I am "getting some" since my musical taste varies so much. It's been so long that the last time I "got some" I had to get up to change the 8-track* ;). To answer your question; it really doesn't matter. I'll listen to anything with a good beat.

Jordan: I don't think I'll be posting a picture of me here. It's too public, I'm enjoying my anonymity. Check your email, it's not my picture, but I think you'll like it. By the way, the dubious behavior referred to in a previous post may get an explanation at a later date.

I think I got everything that needed a response. If you have a question for me, email me or ask it in the comments and I will try to answer it. Have a great weekend everyone!

*That was a joke, I'm not that old, but it has been that long.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Grow Up

As someone who has done a few dubious things in her lifetime, I'm not judgmental towards things that could be written off as youthful indiscretions. The only thing that I expect is for someone to take responsibility for their actions and the consequences from them.

Some of you may recall Oct and I speaking of an out-of-state cousin that stayed with us for a few days around Mother's Day. He came here looking at colleges and was basically handed a brand new life on a silver platter; with the full support of some 50 adults that were able to facilitate his success. He was given free reign of a rent-free apartment on the Upper East Side, one cousin got him a part time job at his firm, and another cousin and I used our connections in the education world to get him enrolled into college classes without going through a tedious admissions process. I could continue with all of the options and opportunities that were available to this kid, but I think you get the idea.

To make a extremely long story short, within 2 months of moving to NYC, he managed to get fired from his job (which he never went to) and he never showed up for one summer class or any other school related appointment. He went back home for 4th of July weekend without telling anyone and hasn't been back to NY since. Yesterday, my cousin and I went to the apartment and found it totally trashed with a hole in the wall, the toilet was cracked (I don't even want to know how that happened), and the window was broken, with garbage everywhere.

My family is usually pretty understanding when it comes to reckless behavior and wrongdoing; as long as you take responsibility for your part, and recognize your error, it will be forgiven and forgotten. Leaving under the cover of darkness and not telling anyone is a bitch move, that shows how immature and ungrateful he was towards everything that was done for him.

Monday, July 10, 2006

A Few Random Thoughts

Since my last rant about my job search, I have been on numerous interviews, and made many more connections in my field. Three of the agencies that I met with have made tentative offers after my first contact with them. I think that these agencies will offer me the best combination of administrative responsibilities and direct client care. Along with competitive salaries and benefits, these three agencies all fit into my vision of how I see my career progressing in the future; there is room for growth within each of the organizations, and opportunities for self advancement within the scope of the field.

Within the next few weeks, after more research and thought, I hope to enter into negotiations with one of the agencies; I think that if a job is offered, I would be employed by the end of September (conveniently coinciding with my birthday). It seems like a long way off, but social service agencies are notoriously known to take forever when hiring a new employee. For example, at my last job, I was offered the position in March, and didn’t actually start working until May. Wish me luck.


At the post office this morning, there were 3 kids playing around with the stamp machine. As the mother was leaving she called their names: Destiny, Kobe and Beyonce. Is this how we are naming kids now? I am of the opinion that if the name would be inappropriate on a legal document or resume, you shouldn’t name your child that unless you want them to go through life unemployed. A child named Destiny has few employment options; would you trust your health to Destiny Parker, MD?


I made a new friend. Go here to meet him. His name is Guy, and he is a really great writer. The name of his blog is This Place is Dead Anyway, and I've added him to my links.


Find out what Oct and I think about bridesmaid mishaps, farmer tans, and who is # 1 on the drop kick list this week on our new podcast here .


Currently, I am obsessed with the song Ridin' Dirty by Chamillionaire. I have it on repeat on my MP3 player. Don't ask. He fits right in with the Smiths, the Cure, the Foo Fighters and Jay-Z.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Calgon, Take Me Away!

Is there anything worse than being tied to a chair and being forced to watch 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray on a constant loop? Yes my friends, there is. Try sitting in a bridal salon in midtown Manhattan with my mother, future sister in law and her mother going through the most horrific experience called dress fittings with only a Treo for moral support. According to my mother, I was invited to partake in this torture because my future SIL likes my style, and wanted my opinion. Before you think I am some kind of fashion plate, I prefer comfort over trends anyday; however, compared to someone who still wears bicycle shorts and Keds, I am the reincarnation of Coco Chanel.

Their appointments were at 10am, 12pm, and 2pm. I was there for the ENTIRE day, just sitting there trying to email anyone that would respond so I could share my despair with them. 6 hours spend listening to the three of them discuss different hem lengths, undergarment options and other related bullshit while I sat there trying not to pull my hair out strand by strand. This compounded by the fact that I had to listen to the seamstress go on and on about how I need to find a man because I am "too old and beautiful to still be single", and "what if you want kids?" Uh, yeah, thanks lady, I will run right out and do that...just because YOU said so.

The only bright spot to my day was that I was meeting friends for at Scopa for drinks after the trauma I faced today. Nothing soothes my soul like good food (grilled pizza with braised duck and shrimp ceviche), alcohol and scandalous gossip about acquaintances. Now I am home, about to go take a nice long bath and go to sleep. I also turned the ringer on the phone off for tomorrow. I've learned my lesson the hard way.

*By the way, the previous entry was posted while hiding in an empty dressing room after escaping to go to the bathroom.

help me retain my sanity in the midst of chaos!!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

How Do I Love My Family...Let Me Count the Ways

Ever wonder if you were switched at birth? I do, every time my family gets together to "celebrate" a holiday. Why, you ask? Well, grab a lawn chair and a Heineken; this could take a while.

Those of you that heard the podcast from Mother's Day know that I come from a large Italian family. (Those that didn't hear the podcast, you missed out, it was funny.) This leads to very large family gatherings at certain points of the year. The 4th of July is usually the largest. This year, however, our numbers have increased exponentially due to engagements, marriages and births. I would say that there were about 60 people at my aunt's house today. The following incidents occurred, leaving me to wonder if I should finally look into those hospital records once and for all. (I know the bulleted lists are getting old, but they are the only way I can think of to organize my thoughts after a long day spent with family. Forgive me.)

  1. My aunts and uncles work on two volumes: loud and louder. Loud when speaking amongst themselves, louder when they speak to their children. You can then imagine that the decibel levels in that backyard reach astronomical heights. I am surprised the only hearing loss is of the selective version utilized by myself and my cousins towards our parents.
  2. My uncle didn't have time to install a toilet paper holder or a towel rack in the bathroom that was remodeled almost 5 years ago, but he found the time to splice cable wires to set up a big screen TV in his garage so that the guys could watch the World Cup game.
  3. Telling one person about the condition of my resignation from work turned into a game of telephone gone horribly wrong; I was interrogated about my future plans, my financial situation and given countless names and telephone numbers of strangers that I could call for a job, none having to do with my actual career or what I went to school for.
  4. The main topic for the day was my brother's upcoming wedding. My future sister-in-law is not friendly. My mother thinks she is shy, my sister and I call it bitchiness. She spent the entire day going over all of her plans down to the last sequin on her shoes with anyone who would listen. That was my cue to go smoke cigars and drink with the guys in the garage.
  5. If all the kids can play their PSP's and listen to their I-Pods to keep them quiet, why can't I read my book in peace? Getting interrupted every 13.8 seconds to see if I want something to eat or drink is very irritating. I can get whatever I want for my self. I'm a big girl, I'm allowed to pour my own juice now. (TM my cousin's 5 year old daughter)

I could go on for days on this topic, maybe Oct and I will do a podcast about it when she's done working on her movie.

Today is also my Grandmother's 95 birthday. She is coming from Italy in a few weeks for my brother's wedding. Before I get all sappy, I'll just say that she is the one person in this world that I trust and respect without question.

P.S. Should you move out of your neighborhood when you can't tell the difference between fireworks and gunshots? Happy 4th of July!

Monday, July 03, 2006

The Greatest Show on Earth

I have been told on more than one occasion that I have the mentality of a 12 year old boy, which, now that I have typed that seems a bit inappropriate, so it should come as no surprise when I reveal my most favorite show on television: Most Extreme Challenge on SpikeTV.

Before all the pointing and laughing starts, please read the 3 reasons why this show is hilarious.

  1. There is nothing funnier than watching people wipe out while trying to avoid some dudes in a weird costumes over a pit of dirty, disease infested water. (see attached video on link)
  2. I lied, there is something funnier, and that is the commentary that is dubbed into English, by these two Japanese guys wearing aforementioned costumes. These two guys are all about the double entendre, which pleases my 12 year old brain immensely.
  3. Japanese imports are cool. (If you need proof of this, email me at sloanesdayoff at gmail dot com. Some of their *ahem* better products are not for the faint of heart. ;) )

Alas, no one I know shares the same enjoyment I get out of watching this show; so I am stuck watching it alone on my couch nursing a bottle of some sort of cheap alcohol while laughing my ass off and lamenting on what my life has become.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Morning People are Evil

Let me preface this post by saying that I am NOT a morning person. My family and friends all know not to speak to me in the morning, whatever it is can wait until at least 10am. I need at least 2 hours after I wake up to be able to formulate a complete and coherent sentence; just because I am out of bed and walking around does not mean that I am awake. Therefore, you can imagine my surprise when the following incident occurred.

7 AM. All is quite in my house. I was all comfortable and relaxed sleeping in my bed, dreaming of airplanes and luggage, when the telephone rang, waking me up. Now, normally I wouldn't get out of bed to answer it; I would let it go to voicemail, but for some reason I got up, and answered the phone. It was my mother, asking if I wanted to go with her to visit some family today. I asked her if she realized the time, that it was 7AM, and why was she calling so early. She said that she's been awake for hours and wanted to get an early start. I told her I would call her back in a few hours and then we could discuss plans for the day. This is the main reason why I don't have a phone in my bedroom; crazy incoherent conversations with my mother. I went back to sleep.

Less than an hour later I feel a tap on my shoulder. I open my eyes to look at the clock (7:38 AM) and see my mother standing at the side of my bed all dressed and raring to go. I ask her what she is doing here (damn emergency keys!), and that I remember telling her I would call her later to decide if I wanted to go with her. She tells me that she was in the neighborhood and thought she would come pick me up. Translation for all you that do not speak MamaSloane: You ARE coming with me, get your ass out of bed and get ready!

Usually I pride myself on being a mellow, laid back adult, but today, still half asleep, I threw a temper tantrum that would make my best friend's 2 year old proud. I won't get into the gory details, but it wasn't pretty. To add insult to injury, my mother said quite calmly after my tirade "If you didn't want to go, all you had to do was tell me. I could have been there by now." Then she left in a huff; like I told her to come pick me up, and then told her I didn't want to go.

The thing is, if she would have called me at a decent hour and waited until I was awake and able to kickstart my brain into functioning, I would have gone with her. So now I have to wait until she gets home, call her and apologize for being a nasty hag this morning. I mean, I gotta to keep my name in the will :p .